V/H/S/Mixtape
– (2026) – Anthology of four stories that focus on singing puppets, a couple trapped in a cube, a mysterious musician, and a killer recording her murders. If the sole intention of each story was to create a massive headache, then congrats filmmakers, you succeeded admirably since each segment is magnanimously earsplitting. Some of the practical F/X are fine, but they don’t come close to saving the weak stories, the irritating acting, and the utterly meaningless interludes.
Mark of the Witch
– (1970) – A woman who was hung as a witch returns 300 years later in the body of a college student. That’s pretty much all this is about, aside from two guys who try (and fail) to set things straight with the spiritual happenings. It’s goofy enough to skirt by on camp, but nothing that occurs ever raises a pulse.
Onslaught
– (2026) – Three lab enhanced super soldiers make their way to a trailer park where a former sniper keenly protects her daughter. This might be in the same universe as The Guest, but isn’t close to the same league. The mother/daughter drama feels forced while the action/horror dynamic feels underdeveloped. Some of the violence is okay, but there’s simply not enough of it to counteract the dull drama. Essentially, this is about an eternally pissed off woman who takes on cartoon warriors.
4 Halloween
– (2023) – Anthology of four stories that focus on a masked mutilator, a haggard witch, murderous pizza, the undead, and (making this the fifth premise despite the title) clowns from outer space. There isn’t much to say about this that’s remotely positive, so I’ll start with the good news: it ends. Every moment is repulsive, from the acting to the cheap aesthetic to the total lack of competent storytelling. Trust me, you’ll have more fun stomping out a flaming bag of dog shit.
Boorman and the Devil
– (2025) – Documentary that explores the creation of Exorcist II: The Heretic, one of the worst movies ever concocted by humans with actual talent. A mostly-fascinating recount of how a thought-promising script became a filming nightmare thanks to so many unforeseen circumstances. We often snicker at films that bomb financially, yet the final third illustrates the sadness of those involved as no one intends to create art worth laughing at. Informative and ultimately emotional.
Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma
– (2026) – A queer director is hired to reboot a horror series about a killer who was raised as a boy and a girl. Takes a meta approach to storytelling that tries to keep this from becoming an ordinary slasher, but neither the movie itself, nor the movie-within-the-movie works very well. The results aren’t as thought-provoking nor as emotionally complex as intended since the wussy music is a distraction against conventional angst, the killer’s air vent design is laughably distracting, while the whole point is swallowed up by an uneven narrative tone. Simply put: a mess.
– (2000) – A psychic who’s involved in a murder mystery has uncertain premonitions of the crime itself and her own demise. A steadily building drama that’s fueled by a unique mystery and an abundance of twists. Feels long, but always moves and covers a lot of ground.
– (1985) – Four strippers vacation at a castle where a cult wants one of their souls. A slow mess that makes little sense, and somehow piles on too much nudity. That it maintains any kind of interest is nothing short of an absurd miracle.
– (2005) – A sugar freak-turned-warrior sets out to kill the ape who once left her for dead. Spoofs Kill Bill by mimicking its key moments with horribly staged action and perplexing comedy. Ranges from goofily bad to flat-out horrible, but seems to know how much it can’t compete with the same films this one exploits.
Headless Horseman
– (2007) – College friends on a road trip become stranded in a small town of violent hicks and a decapitated ghost. Has a lot going on amid a variety of ideas, but nothing means squat since each aspect has been seen or heard a million times before. Has more to do with Wrong Turn than the titular legend.
Mighty Joe Young (1949)
– (1949) – A massive gorilla is unwisely put on display for human amusement. The relationship between Joe and his female owner is touching, and the reason for his freak out commendable, but the story leads to the unfortunate realm of schmaltz. Still, it’s amazing how much personality the stop motion ape elicits.
The Dead
– (2010) – Zombies are on the rise in Africa, pitting an American engineer against their masses. Does an okay job establishing a feeling of dread, as living corpses are everywhere, but has major struggles with pace and excitement. More a Fulci movie on barbiturates than a positive modern achievement.
The Four Skulls of Jonathan Drake
– (1959) – A voodoo doctor collects the heads of the Drake clan on each of their sixtieth birthdays. An involving and almost creepy premise that falls victim to too much drama and a pace that refuses to move.
Terrifier
– (2017) – A clown terrorizes a few people on Halloween night. There’s not much of a plot, or any distinct characters, as the sole purpose is to disgust. Though the violence can be over-the-top, there are some cringeworthy moments that serve as the film’s saving grace. Equally bloody and boring.
Combat Shock
– (1986) – A former POW has a hard time providing for his family in complete poverty. A rotten beginning features the saddest attempt to pass off random woods as the jungles of Vietnam, and the musical score could be the most nauseating ever recorded. Gets better and grittier toward a disturbing finale, but by then all emotion is lost.