Once Upon a Time in Amityville
– (2024) – Bounty hunters seek a refuge in a haunted town. It’s hard to fathom how a film that only runs 71-minutes can cause such monumental grief. The main reason this equates torture is largely due to languidness. The diminutive cast does little but meander from one scene to the next while occasionally coming across a cheap effect. There’s simply no life to the proceedings, as though the digital imprint itself is dead.
Funeral
– (2025) – A small group of people gather for a closed casket funeral during a snow storm, then find they can’t escape the parlor. While this does touch on themes of youth, old age, death and commitment to country, there’s never a sense of exactly what’s happening or why. When the end results are rendered? Good luck not groaning with disapproval. Probes the meaning of life, but does so through a haphazard screenplay.
Amityverse: Infinity
– (2026) – Anthology of 10 stories that focus on a suicide, a radio, singing ghosts, a devious shrink, shark-crabs, a shitting spirit, a cult leader, a dentist, a killer director, and hand puppets. While each story is so short we’re quickly put out of our misery, they’re still a trial to sit through. Every segment is cheaper than dirt, and range from mostly bad to impossibly irritating. Might have been fun for those who created this hell, but the rest of us are made to suffer.
Deathwoods
– (2026) – A group of friends vacate to the woods where they’re picked off by a killer when not hounded by local hillbillies. Yet another run-of-the-mill slasher that pits a so-called legendary killer against people with ordinary issues. There’s some blood n’ boobs here n’ there, but not enough to salvage a dull experience that isn’t as provoking as it wants to be.
Amityverse
– (2025) – Anthology of 10 stories that focus on Halloween night, a murderous clown, an evil spoon, a skeletal cop, a mime, a lawn ornament, a toilet, an invisible person, a killer dirtbag, and a hammer. While nothing presented can be considered prime entertainment, each segment moves too fast to leave behind the lingering stench of failure. Every tale breezes through shoddy action and dollar store F/X, and as such forms a harmless yet forgettable dungheap.
Spider Island
– (2026) – Influencers attending a new island resort encounter a murderous breed of arachnid, which the owner finds a minor inconvenience. Takes some digs at the annoyances of online attention whores, but there’s not much actual horror taking place. The spider activity is incredibly sparse, cheap, and ineffective, while the drama can’t handle the bulk of the remaining length.
– (2007) – An abstinent teen who’s craving sex discovers she has aggressive teeth in her privates. Begins with a social message regarding virginity, but slowly develops into a vigilante move in which the lead rights wrongs through mutant sex. Sometimes serious, sometimes silly, but always involving.
– (2013) – Russian soldiers on a mission against Nazis encounter violent cyborgs. Gets off to a creepy start, but the action becomes repetitive fast, and progress comes to a halt during the last act. A unique idea that’s equally provocative and dopey.
– (2022) – While in police custody, an interrogated man tells the tales of a demon-killing ritual, a vampire on Halloween, a witch’s sacrifice, and a weapon that can kill non-humans. Features solid filmmaking and some humorous moments, but never forms a cohesive point. This is merely a mishmash of unrelated stories that are fueled by F/X over character development.
Wrong Turn 2: Dead End
– (2007) – A survival reality show turns grisly when contestants are attacked by mutant hillbillies. A vast improvement over the stale original that packs in plenty of gore, surprises, and likable characters. Imperfect, but gets the gory job done.
Alligator II: The Mutation
– (1991) – A large alligator feeds on a community where a wealthy realtor is trying to sell expensive homes. The characters and all of their actions are bona fide cliches, but there is some amusement in how new this tries to feel. Unapologetically rips off every tired antic of cop dramas and monster movies.
The Video Dead
– (1987) – When the living dead escape from a possessed TV set, a boy and a Texan hunt them down. Has a unique premise with some comedic twists, but can’t overcome the tedium from too many dragging scenes. Dead/Alive owes this a thanks or two.
Massage Parlor of Death
– (2015) – A masseuse kills her patrons in the name of voodoo and resurrection. A 61-minute mess that barely has a story and is highlighted by some of the worst gore (spaghetti sauce) ever filmed. There are some amusements throughout, and every actor seems in on the joke, but it’s hard to consider this an actual movie.
Demonic Toys: Jack Attack
– (2023) – A clown and a jack-in-the-box make trouble for a few orphanage patrons. Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, as the plot isn’t exactly air tight, but there are worse ways to kill an hour. The acting is decent, the pace is quick, and the violence is (mostly) supplied with practical F/X. Good, but far from great.
Class of Nuke ‘Em High 3: The Good, the Bad and the Subhumanoid
– (1994) – Subhumanoid twins on opposite sides of good and evil battle for the fate of Tromaville. Piles on enough lame humor and meaningless action to congest a global fallout shelter. Never the good kind of bad.