Last Shift
– (2014) – A rookie police officer on her first night in a closing precinct experiences a wide variety of haunts. This is a constant battle between two elements: bad drama and bad horror. Each area lacks fleshing out, leaving us with a dull lead battling trivial ghostly shenanigans. There’s simply not enough known about anyone or anything involved, which cripples any chance this had at becoming suspenseful. You can’t fear what you don’t care about.
Don’t Move (2026)
– (2026) – Something is picking off patrons of a wooded religious retreat, prompting strangers to band together in the name of survival. A mostly lame experience that begins with perhaps the cheesiest family ever committed to film, yet the characterizations only worsen thereafter. There isn’t a single person who’s realistically relatable, so when the horror finally kicks in we accept reprieve in their deaths. Far more irritating that intimidating.
Hallowarrior
– (2026) – The supposed last girl on Earth spends Halloween alone (naturally) until she’s visited upon by three other survivors and multiple human monsters. A post-apocalyptic dud that only identifies a few characters, yet can’t do anything significant with any of them. The entirety takes place in one location, so there’s no chance new sets will distract anyone from the monotony. Worse still, the lead is referred to as “Pumpkin” so many times that one might actually want to smash her against pavement.
Buddy
– (2026) – When the mascot of a children’s show starts killing its co-stars, the survivors flee to a protected realm. Meanwhile, in the real world, a woman who believes she forgot about having one of her children is sucked into the show. In other words: huh? The first act is by far the highlight as the morbidity is both disturbing and humorous, but this runs out of gas shortly thereafter. Though some sadism remains, repetition creeps in and drags down the initial enjoyment.
V/H/S/Mixtape
– (2026) – Anthology of four stories that focus on singing puppets, a couple trapped in a cube, a mysterious musician, and a killer recording her murders. If the sole intention of each story was to create a massive headache, then congrats filmmakers, you succeeded admirably since each segment is magnanimously earsplitting. Some of the practical F/X are fine, but they don’t come close to saving the weak stories, the irritating acting, and the utterly meaningless interludes.
Mark of the Witch
– (1970) – A woman who was hung as a witch returns 300 years later in the body of a college student. That’s pretty much all this is about, aside from two guys who try (and fail) to set things straight with the spiritual happenings. It’s goofy enough to skirt by on camp, but nothing that occurs ever raises a pulse.
– (1990) – A post-apocalyptic nomad brings his girlfriend pieces of a killer robot that regenerates itself. Has a fair share of inventive moments, but also lags and would look terrible if not filtered in Armageddon orange. A cheap yet decent outing with a strong-enough message.
– (1994) – A couple driven insane by their respective families goes on multiple killing sprees. The plot isn’t exactly deep, and most characters are over-the-top, but this is a uniquely edited showcase of modern media exploits. Heavy-handed, but hilariously grim and satirically morbid.
– (1995) – A man has visions of the woman he killed on the night she summoned the death of a lawyer. Mainly consists of softcore smut, since the plot always takes a backseat to lusting characters. Kind of gets into horror near the end, but two victims getting bludgeoned with a sauna rock isn’t exactly enthralling. Short, but often feel endless.
The Giant Spider Invasion
– (1975) – A meteor crash lands in a rural town and brings with it diamonds and spiders. A gloriously ridiculous mess with humor that ranges from intentional to completely accidental. Characters are fun and colorful, as is their goofy bantering, while the spider design is simply awful even by low budget standards.
Mighty Joe Young (1998)
– (1998) – A gigantic gorilla is removed from his natural habitat to the joy of poachers who’ve been holding a grudge against him. Too simplistic for anyone over the age of five, yet no other age group could possibly be impressed by the dim plot. A wholesome exercise in unrealistic drama and non-threatening action.
Dorm of the Dead (2012)
– (2012) – A bunch of college geeks deal with zombies by referring to popular movies. There’s hardly any story pertaining to the dead versus the living, aside from a few wide shots of zombie groups. A dirt cheap version of something that could have been made for even cheaper and still accomplish the same nothingness.
Gothic Harvest
– (2019) – A girl is abducted by an affluent family that has ties to a voodoo curse. Pretty pitiful out of the gate, and worsens the more the story is explained. There’s simply too much corn in every character and plot point, and far too many close-ups of irritating actors.
House of Fears
– (2007) – A group of semi-friends enter an attraction where imagined fears become real. Takes itself too seriously, as none of the fears are established through anything but lame transitions. Has professional moments, but the overall story and its progressions are sheer garbage.
Class of Nuke ‘Em High 3: The Good, the Bad and the Subhumanoid
– (1994) – Subhumanoid twins on opposite sides of good and evil battle for the fate of Tromaville. Piles on enough lame humor and meaningless action to congest a global fallout shelter. Never the good kind of bad.