Don’t Move (2026)
– (2026) – Something is picking off patrons of a wooded religious retreat, prompting strangers to band together in the name of survival. A mostly lame experience that begins with perhaps the cheesiest family ever committed to film, yet the characterizations only worsen thereafter. There isn’t a single person who’s realistically relatable, so when the horror finally kicks in we accept reprieve in their deaths. Far more irritating that intimidating.
Hallowarrior
– (2026) – The supposed last girl on Earth spends Halloween alone (naturally) until she’s visited upon by three other survivors and multiple human monsters. A post-apocalyptic dud that only identifies a few characters, yet can’t do anything significant with any of them. The entirety takes place in one location, so there’s no chance new sets will distract anyone from the monotony. Worse still, the lead is referred to as “Pumpkin” so many times that one might actually want to smash her against pavement.
Buddy
– (2026) – When the mascot of a children’s show starts killing its co-stars, the survivors flee to a protected realm. Meanwhile, in the real world, a woman who believes she forgot about having one of her children is sucked into the show. In other words: huh? The first act is by far the highlight as the morbidity is both disturbing and humorous, but this runs out of gas shortly thereafter. Though some sadism remains, repetition creeps in and drags down the initial enjoyment.
V/H/S/Mixtape
– (2026) – Anthology of four stories that focus on singing puppets, a couple trapped in a cube, a mysterious musician, and a killer recording her murders. If the sole intention of each story was to create a massive headache, then congrats filmmakers, you succeeded admirably since each segment is magnanimously earsplitting. Some of the practical F/X are fine, but they don’t come close to saving the weak stories, the irritating acting, and the utterly meaningless interludes.
Mark of the Witch
– (1970) – A woman who was hung as a witch returns 300 years later in the body of a college student. That’s pretty much all this is about, aside from two guys who try (and fail) to set things straight with the spiritual happenings. It’s goofy enough to skirt by on camp, but nothing that occurs ever raises a pulse.
Onslaught
– (2026) – Three lab enhanced super soldiers make their way to a trailer park where a former sniper keenly protects her daughter. This might be in the same universe as The Guest, but isn’t close to the same league. The mother/daughter drama feels forced while the action/horror dynamic feels underdeveloped. Some of the violence is okay, but there’s simply not enough of it to counteract the dull drama. Essentially, this is about an eternally pissed off woman who takes on cartoon warriors.
– (2010) – Four friends on a camping trip befall a rig with possessive powers. Never meaningful or important, but at least tries to entertain with a less-than-usual plot. Feels like The Mangler on wheels, which is not a good thing.
– (1982) – Friends camping near a Confederate graveyard fall under attack from lousily dressed zombies. The acting’s bad, the FX are bad, the plotting’s bad, the setting’s bad, the drama’s bad, the horror’s bad… which almost amounts to a good time. Almost.
– (1936) – Marijuana lends a heavy hand in the case of a man accused of murder. The plot is too thin to consider anything but the obvious propaganda piece this is, while the narration far exceeds the moving activities of “actors” who fall in line with the forced message. Dopey.
The Galaxy Invader
– (1985) – An alien lands in a small town where yokels plan to make a name for themselves by capturing it. Awful on most filmmaking levels, but the ridiculousness provides plenty of fun. Wears thin in the final third, but beats most similar efforts.
Lake Placid: The Final Chapter
– (2012) – Dysfunctional friends and game wardens contend with a murderous crocodile and its offspring. Has a few brushes with creativity when dealing with comedy and mayhem, but the overall story is too typical to enjoy. Never terrible, and moves fast, but provides nothing original.
One Cut of the Dead
– (2017) – A small crew filming a zombie movie come under attack from real zombies. Or do they? The first 37-minutes is comprised of one shot that, while impressive, is still just a zombie flick. The real magic rests in the final hour, as the fabricated showing of real-time events amuses more than the opening gimmick. Unique and often hilarious, but tends to drag in spots.
Massage Parlor of Death
– (2015) – A masseuse kills her patrons in the name of voodoo and resurrection. A 61-minute mess that barely has a story and is highlighted by some of the worst gore (spaghetti sauce) ever filmed. There are some amusements throughout, and every actor seems in on the joke, but it’s hard to consider this an actual movie.
Secrets of the Clown
– (2007) – A group of friends fall victim to unexplained powers ensuing someone’s death. Has something to do with a soul trapped in a clown doll, but there’s so much slop going on in between it’s hard to tell what the overall purpose is. A badly conceived and horribly acted mess.
Decampitated
– (1998) – Campers are victimized by a killer who can’t seem to kill anyone. The comedy outweighs the horror by a megaton, as a failed joke is attempted every two seconds. Though someone might have suggested otherwise, these actors are not comedians.