Once Upon a Time in Amityville
– (2024) – Bounty hunters seek a refuge in a haunted town. It’s hard to fathom how a film that only runs 71-minutes can cause such monumental grief. The main reason this equates torture is largely due to languidness. The diminutive cast does little but meander from one scene to the next while occasionally coming across a cheap effect. There’s simply no life to the proceedings, as though the digital imprint itself is dead.
Funeral
– (2025) – A small group of people gather for a closed casket funeral during a snow storm, then find they can’t escape the parlor. While this does touch on themes of youth, old age, death and commitment to country, there’s never a sense of exactly what’s happening or why. When the end results are rendered? Good luck not groaning with disapproval. Probes the meaning of life, but does so through a haphazard screenplay.
Amityverse: Infinity
– (2026) – Anthology of 10 stories that focus on a suicide, a radio, singing ghosts, a devious shrink, shark-crabs, a shitting spirit, a cult leader, a dentist, a killer director, and hand puppets. While each story is so short we’re quickly put out of our misery, they’re still a trial to sit through. Every segment is cheaper than dirt, and range from mostly bad to impossibly irritating. Might have been fun for those who created this hell, but the rest of us are made to suffer.
Deathwoods
– (2026) – A group of friends vacate to the woods where they’re picked off by a killer when not hounded by local hillbillies. Yet another run-of-the-mill slasher that pits a so-called legendary killer against people with ordinary issues. There’s some blood n’ boobs here n’ there, but not enough to salvage a dull experience that isn’t as provoking as it wants to be.
Amityverse
– (2025) – Anthology of 10 stories that focus on Halloween night, a murderous clown, an evil spoon, a skeletal cop, a mime, a lawn ornament, a toilet, an invisible person, a killer dirtbag, and a hammer. While nothing presented can be considered prime entertainment, each segment moves too fast to leave behind the lingering stench of failure. Every tale breezes through shoddy action and dollar store F/X, and as such forms a harmless yet forgettable dungheap.
Spider Island
– (2026) – Influencers attending a new island resort encounter a murderous breed of arachnid, which the owner finds a minor inconvenience. Takes some digs at the annoyances of online attention whores, but there’s not much actual horror taking place. The spider activity is incredibly sparse, cheap, and ineffective, while the drama can’t handle the bulk of the remaining length.
– (2026) – A man is baited into a mysterious town by his former lover, but instead finds another version of her among demonic creatures. Although the pace is slow enough that every point should be crystal clear, the plot (if you can call it that) is a jumbled mess. The human aspects don’t take long to mean nothing, though the horror aspects are fairly decent as the atmosphere and bouts of gore are noteworthy. On par with the less-than-stellar prior entries.
– (1980) – A man already messed up by his mother is screwed up even further by her death. A Deranged/Psycho knock off that offers some fiery surprises of its own, especially at the end. Freaky and bizarre when not uneven.
– (2014) – A woman discovers clues that may prove her husband’s an active serial killer. The story has moments of progressive force, but the pacing is uneven, the acting sub par, and the outcome frustratingly bland. Misses the mark in most every area of successful movie making.
The Beauties and the Beast
– (1974) – A yeti abducts young women or saves them from thieves. Some sort of hippie concoction that was born of weed and acid. None of the sex, monster or hillbilly themes have anything to do with one another.
Lake Placid 3
– (2010) – Giant crocodiles are terrorizing a dysfunctional family and campers. Has a few moments that should provide fun, but no character is worth the bat of an eyelash and the crocs look distractingly horrible. Has the lone distinction of moving fast.
Lurking Fear
– (1994) – People seeking money from a dead man’s grave, and some who aren’t, hole up in a church while the living dead lurk beneath them. The production, atmosphere and makeup FX are top notch, but the story suffers from typical villains and an overall lack of focus.
I Walked with a Zombie
– (1943) – A nurse is hired to care for a catatonic woman on an island of rampant voodoo. The atmosphere and ritual inclusions hold attention, but the pace makes an hour feel like a day. Lacks suspense and a substantial purpose.
It (1990)
– (1990) – Six friends return to their hometown to confront a being that terrorized them 30 years earlier. Best when dealing with the reunion of old friends, as the child segments feature some truly bad acting. Long, but moves incredibly fast and covers a lot of ground. Lacks the emotional depth and evil nature of the epic novel.
Meat Weed Madness
– (2006) – A group of girls smoke weed laced with human meat, take their clothes off, and are harassed by cheap monsters. Takes zaniness to new levels of nothingness, and can never be classified as a narrative film. The nudity is impressive, but most everything else is rotten.