Hallowarrior
– (2026) – The supposed last girl on Earth spends Halloween alone (naturally) until she’s visited upon by three other survivors and multiple human monsters. A post-apocalyptic dud that only identifies a few characters, yet can’t do anything significant with any of them. The entirety takes place in one location, so there’s no chance new sets will distract anyone from the monotony. Worse still, the lead is referred to as “Pumpkin” so many times that one might actually want to smash her against pavement.
Buddy
– (2026) – When the mascot of a children’s show starts killing its co-stars, the survivors flee to a protected realm. Meanwhile, in the real world, a woman who believes she forgot about having one of her children is sucked into the show. In other words: huh? The first act is by far the highlight as the morbidity is both disturbing and humorous, but this runs out of gas shortly thereafter. Though some sadism remains, repetition creeps in and drags down the initial enjoyment.
V/H/S/Mixtape
– (2026) – Anthology of four stories that focus on singing puppets, a couple trapped in a cube, a mysterious musician, and a killer recording her murders. If the sole intention of each story was to create a massive headache, then congrats filmmakers, you succeeded admirably since each segment is magnanimously earsplitting. Some of the practical F/X are fine, but they don’t come close to saving the weak stories, the irritating acting, and the utterly meaningless interludes.
Mark of the Witch
– (1970) – A woman who was hung as a witch returns 300 years later in the body of a college student. That’s pretty much all this is about, aside from two guys who try (and fail) to set things straight with the spiritual happenings. It’s goofy enough to skirt by on camp, but nothing that occurs ever raises a pulse.
Onslaught
– (2026) – Three lab enhanced super soldiers make their way to a trailer park where a former sniper keenly protects her daughter. This might be in the same universe as The Guest, but isn’t close to the same league. The mother/daughter drama feels forced while the action/horror dynamic feels underdeveloped. Some of the violence is okay, but there’s simply not enough of it to counteract the dull drama. Essentially, this is about an eternally pissed off woman who takes on cartoon warriors.
4 Halloween
– (2023) – Anthology of four stories that focus on a masked mutilator, a haggard witch, murderous pizza, the undead, and (making this the fifth premise despite the title) clowns from outer space. There isn’t much to say about this that’s remotely positive, so I’ll start with the good news: it ends. Every moment is repulsive, from the acting to the cheap aesthetic to the total lack of competent storytelling. Trust me, you’ll have more fun stomping out a flaming bag of dog shit.
– (2023) – Cast and crew members are picked off by an unknown aggressor while filming a remake of The Mutilator. Matches the dramatic campiness of the first film, but doesn’t hold a candle to the former’s relentless gore. There’s certainly violence, especially toward the end, but nothing as excruciatingly vicious as what’s come before. When all is said and done, there’s really no need for this film’s existence, but there are worse ways to rehash old memories.
– (1985) – Shipwreck survivors happen upon an island where they’re attacked by doll-like creatures. Follows a droll pattern of watching characters wander before they’re assaulted, but a few dumb events and dumber lines of dialog help maintain attention. Repetitive, to say the least, but does amuse in spots of foolishness.
– (1977) – A man with a mutant child and an absent girlfriend has visions of the strangest order. More the nightmarish dream of a disturbed director than a narrative film, but the images are often saddening, surreal, and hard to let go.
Trapped (1982)
– (1982) – Murder witnesses become prey to backwoods degenerates. Not a lot happens in the first two acts, and the characters aren’t exactly deep, but the production is strong, the pace is quick, and there’s always a reason to keep watching. Piles on some gruesome surprises during the finale.
Play Dead
– (1983) – A woman with a vendetta against her family magically persuades a dog to kill them. Anything dealing with the drama is the pits, but the dog inclusions are so manically awful they’re hard not to appreciate. Bad, but entertaining for all the wrong reasons.
Revenge of the Dead
– (1983) – An author who’s researching his third book discovers a place where the dead rise. Don’t let the exciting artwork fool you, this is a horror-free stinker that focuses on a languid man who bumbles about for eighty horrible minutes. Consider it NyQuil: The Movie.
The Four Skulls of Jonathan Drake
– (1959) – A voodoo doctor collects the heads of the Drake clan on each of their sixtieth birthdays. An involving and almost creepy premise that falls victim to too much drama and a pace that refuses to move.
Killjoy 2
– (2002) – Troubled youths and their counselors are stalked in woods by a legendary clown. Mixes some okay horror ideas with too many dramatic cliches. Does little to not humiliate itself, but manages to amuse from time to time.
The Toxic Avenger (1984)
– (1984) – A nerd is tricked into a vat of toxic waste and mutates into a monster superhero. Will never win awards for production or acting, but has more shock value than movies that run twice its length. A utopia of violent, low budget cheese.