Mark of the Witch
– (1970) – A woman who was hung as a witch returns 300 years later in the body of a college student. That’s pretty much all this is about, aside from two guys who try (and fail) to set things straight with the spiritual happenings. It’s goofy enough to skirt by on camp, but nothing that occurs ever raises a pulse.
Onslaught
– (2026) – Three lab enhanced super soldiers make their way to a trailer park where a former sniper keenly protects her daughter. This might be in the same universe as The Guest, but isn’t close to the same league. The mother/daughter drama feels forced while the action/horror dynamic feels underdeveloped. Some of the violence is okay, but there’s simply not enough of it to counteract the dull drama. Essentially, this is about an eternally pissed off woman who takes on cartoon warriors.
4 Halloween
– (2023) – Anthology of four stories that focus on a masked mutilator, a haggard witch, murderous pizza, the undead, and (making this the fifth premise despite the title) clowns from outer space. There isn’t much to say about this that’s remotely positive, so I’ll start with the good news: it ends. Every moment is repulsive, from the acting to the cheap aesthetic to the total lack of competent storytelling. Trust me, you’ll have more fun stomping out a flaming bag of dog shit.
Boorman and the Devil
– (2025) – Documentary that explores the creation of Exorcist II: The Heretic, one of the worst movies ever concocted by humans with actual talent. A mostly-fascinating recount of how a thought-promising script became a filming nightmare thanks to so many unforeseen circumstances. We often laugh at films that bomb financially, yet the final third illustrates the sadness of those involved as no one intends to create art worth laughing at. Informative and ultimately emotional.
Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma
– (2026) – A queer director is hired to reboot a horror series about a killer who was raised as a boy and a girl. Takes a meta approach to storytelling that tries to keep this from becoming an ordinary slasher, but neither the movie itself, nor the movie-within-the-movie works very well. The results aren’t as thought-provoking nor as emotionally complex as intended since the wussy music is a distraction against conventional angst, the killer’s air vent design is laughably distracting, while the whole point is swallowed up by an uneven narrative tone. Simply put: a mess.
Night Harvest
– (2024) – Two couples on a road trip befall a killer who wears a pumpkin over his head. Oh, and for some reason one the characters can start fires with his mind. An all around waste of bandwidth since the participants say and do nothing of significance, yet act as though every move they make is insightful. Only has a few moments of violence, but there’s plenty of chatter among drab nobodies.
– (1986) – The Lord of Darkness aims for the destruction of purity to ensure a world of night. The production design and makeup F/X are top notch, but a story is barely existent. Characters and their situations are too thin to bring meaning to the bland bleakness.
– (2006) – A ghost aids in the conflict between will inheritors. A minimal excuse for bad actors to assemble at a mansion to engage in softcore sex. Hard to classify as cinema, as it’s basically badly edited porn… with musical numbers.
– (1972) – Anthology of five stories that focus on a deranged Santa, an accident victim, a vengeful corpse, three dangerous wishes and the devious blind. A stylish and disturbing collection of stories that don’t pack any vicious punches, but they do provide plenty of subtle chills and memorable moments.
Bloodstalkers
– (1975) – Two couples vacationing at a cabin are tormented by yokels who dress like animals. Outside of a crime scene, this is an overlong and blood free bore that’s padded with too much gospel music and unintentional goofiness.
Cruel Jaws
– (1995) – A tiger shark terrorizes a small community while a real estate investor refuses to shut down tourist attractions. Borrows heavily from Jaws, but is more enjoyable than any of its sequels thanks largely to a quick pace and rampant silliness. Goofy fun with plenty of shark mayhem.
The Bride (1985)
– (1985) – Men, both living and undead, vie for a resurrected woman. Hard to consider a narrative film since the so-called story is all over the place and no discernible characters are focused on. Instead of a plot, we’re treated to a silly conglomeration of empty moments.
Tales from the Crypt Presents Ritual
– (2001) – A doctor who travels to Jamaica to care for a zombie discovers voodoo. Doesn’t have much of a plot, and the horror is lacking, but it’s full of fun characters and scenarios. Gets slower as it nears the end, but always provides enjoyment.
Children of Camp Blood
– (2020) – People tormented by visions of a killer clown visit his domain to overcome their fears. Not unlike any other Camp Blood cheapie that’s only forgiven by a short length that limits the amount of paltry acting and pathetic gore. Does attempt a plot, thin as it may be, and moves relatively quickly.
Zombiegeddon
– (2003) – Troubled police and casual civilians contend with Satan’s zombie plague. Presents itself as an awful waste (and it mostly is) but the cameos, zany violence, and sporadic nudity lead to an okay time. Has no idea what “conclusion” means, but getting to the credits isn’t too much of a chore.