Amityville VR
– (2024) – A man who’s abducted by government officials is forced to experience the simulation of walking down roads and through a cornfield. At this point we have to assume these Amityville titles are coming out for the sole purpose of receiving negative reviews, so here’s one more: this movie sucks. There’s absolutely no show of talent on either side of the camera, from the shoddy script to the portly actors who do nothing to advance their go-nowhere careers. Only 61-minutes, but I’d rather have spent that time chewing glass.
Amityville AI
– (2024) – A guy who equips his house with modern tech finds himself, and others around him, hunted by electronics. The only saving grace is that this doesn’t last long, so we’re only forced to deal with so much abysmal acting and dialog that feels made up on the fly. Lacks a single ounce of creativity, suspense, or purpose.
Meg 2: The Trench
– (2023) – Aquatic researchers uncover colossal sharks beneath an oil refinery and eventually face off against them. Takes 90-minutes to get to the so-called shark mayhem, and in the long downtime we’re treated to thin characters, insipid dialog, and banal humor. When the action does finally roll around, everything feels like a video game cut scene with zero emotional depth. Wants to be cheesy fun, but cheese is never this dull.
Popeye’s Revenge
– (2025) – An abandoned mutant grows up to become a vengeful, beefy-armed killer. All this does is take a well-known character name, alter his background to avoid lawsuits, and turn him into any other mass murderer. The plot at least attempts to flesh out the victims, but as soon as we learn anything about them they die. Thank God for the hot tub scene, as everything else is unsightly and mundane.
Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy
– (1955) – Two Americans in Cairo volunteer to escort a mummy back to the states, but when the corpse goes missing they oversee a cursed medallion instead. I would wager this is enjoyable if you’re in the mood for mugging, juvenile humor, but others might not find a single moment to laugh with. Childish jokes are one thing, but there’s not much of a story to digest either, and the mummy only shows up an hour in. An exercise in lame-joke repetition.
Don’t Move
– (2024) – A young woman is injected with a serum that paralyzes her by an abductor who’s teaching her a lesson about life. I suppose this is okay if you want to watch a victim squirm for 90-minutes (until she improbably stops squirming) but others will probably want a little more movement in their supposed thrillers. A quiet bore with very few characters and even fewer reasons to see this through to the implausible end.
your a-z guide to obscure & classic horror movies
– (2006) – A girl attempts to end a suicide epidemic that’s linked to her dead boyfriend’s computer. A badly scripted mess with a badly acted cast and a badly guided director. Takes a bland idea way too seriously and mistakes noise for tension.
– (2001) – Anthology of stories linked by a cop who’s pursuing an evil hypnotist. Occasionally displays some good ideas amid the wretched gore, but the individual segments run too long and lack interest. Without all the blood, this would be an impossible watch.
– (1982) – Friends vacationing at a farm near Crystal Lake are picked off by a hockey masked killer. Too many characters are introduced solely to die, and the dialog can cause a headache, but most incidents are gruesome and alarming. A total (guilty) pleasure with likable leads who die honorable deaths. A blast in 3-D.
Close Encounters of the Inbred Redneck Kind
– (2012) – A mullet from a redneck planet turns regular people into white trash. There isn’t much horror involved, which isn’t as bad as the notion that there isn’t much comedy either. A dull and unintriguing low-low-low-budget venture.
Pet Sematary (2019)
– (2019) – A family relocates to a town near ancient grounds that can return life to the deceased. Seems to have been created for the sole purpose of playing against the original film, but in doing so creates unpredictability in characters and their grim plights. Sometimes uneven, but more often that not will shred nerves and provoke emotions.
Night of the Living Dead (1968)
– (1968) – The rising dead trap a group of strangers in a seemingly abandoned house. Earns every ounce of respect for turning the horror genre around, but has some faults that are often overlooked. The characters — and their overdramatic bantering — become more obnoxious than intense. Has as many dull spots as creepy ones, too, but is ultimately saved by a profound finale.
Zombie 4: After Death
– (1988) – Zombies are on the rise thanks to voodoo and a reading from the Book of the Dead. Doesn’t make any sense, and the same gory actions repeat themselves straight to the climax where zombies standing outside a house wait to get shot. A bore.
Children of Camp Blood
– (2020) – People tormented by visions of a killer clown visit his domain to overcome their fears. Not unlike any other Camp Blood cheapie that’s only forgiven by a short length that limits the amount of paltry acting and pathetic gore. Does attempt a plot, thin as it may be, and moves relatively quickly.
Blood Oath
– (2007) – A group of friends on a wooded retreat encounter a legendary killer. Crawls to its scant conclusion, but along the way serves up enough blood and boobs to consider a worthy effort. Same old backyard nonsense.