Don’t Move (2026)
– (2026) – Something is picking off patrons of a wooded religious retreat, prompting strangers to band together in the name of survival. A mostly lame experience that begins with perhaps the cheesiest family ever committed to film, yet the characterizations only worsen thereafter. There isn’t a single person who’s realistically relatable, so when the horror finally kicks in we accept reprieve in their deaths. Far more irritating that intimidating.
Hallowarrior
– (2026) – The supposed last girl on Earth spends Halloween alone (naturally) until she’s visited upon by three other survivors and multiple human monsters. A post-apocalyptic dud that only identifies a few characters, yet can’t do anything significant with any of them. The entirety takes place in one location, so there’s no chance new sets will distract anyone from the monotony. Worse still, the lead is referred to as “Pumpkin” so many times that one might actually want to smash her against pavement.
Buddy
– (2026) – When the mascot of a children’s show starts killing its co-stars, the survivors flee to a protected realm. Meanwhile, in the real world, a woman who believes she forgot about having one of her children is sucked into the show. In other words: huh? The first act is by far the highlight as the morbidity is both disturbing and humorous, but this runs out of gas shortly thereafter. Though some sadism remains, repetition creeps in and drags down the initial enjoyment.
V/H/S/Mixtape
– (2026) – Anthology of four stories that focus on singing puppets, a couple trapped in a cube, a mysterious musician, and a killer recording her murders. If the sole intention of each story was to create a massive headache, then congrats filmmakers, you succeeded admirably since each segment is magnanimously earsplitting. Some of the practical F/X are fine, but they don’t come close to saving the weak stories, the irritating acting, and the utterly meaningless interludes.
Mark of the Witch
– (1970) – A woman who was hung as a witch returns 300 years later in the body of a college student. That’s pretty much all this is about, aside from two guys who try (and fail) to set things straight with the spiritual happenings. It’s goofy enough to skirt by on camp, but nothing that occurs ever raises a pulse.
Onslaught
– (2026) – Three lab enhanced super soldiers make their way to a trailer park where a former sniper keenly protects her daughter. This might be in the same universe as The Guest, but isn’t close to the same league. The mother/daughter drama feels forced while the action/horror dynamic feels underdeveloped. Some of the violence is okay, but there’s simply not enough of it to counteract the dull drama. Essentially, this is about an eternally pissed off woman who takes on cartoon warriors.
– (1986) – Space slugs turn humans into zombies on a college campus. A little all over the place at first, but settles into an exciting adventure that’s laced with a perfect medley of action, sci-fi, horror and comedy. Great fun all around, but Tom Atkins steals the show as a suicidal detective.
– (1974) – A doctor with reluctant ties to his heritage brings to life a deceased man with an abnormal brain. Does a good job providing the look of classic horror films, but only a few jokes actually work amongst the many attempts. Moves too slow and repeats too many obnoxious moments that simply aren’t funny.
– (1975) – Bikers make trouble for a bunch of chicks on a bus trip with their teacher. Not very good from the start, but steadily worsens as few moments of interest occur. Resembles Last House, but without the dread.
You Can’t Kill Stephen King
– (2012) – A group of friends drive to Maine to see Stephen King’s house, and are picked off by someone who requires silence. Moves fast and has a lot going on, but nothing unique ever occurs despite the clever title. Somewhat fun, but has too many moments worth groaning over, especially the ones dealing with racial stereotypes.
Deep Blue Sea 3
– (2020) – Global warming researchers come under attack from a mutated breed of shark at their floating facility. Has more fighting among the human characters than their watery counterparts, as shark attacks are sporadic and too choppily edited. An incredibly dull venture that lacks excitement and chemistry among any two characters.
Revenge of the Living Zombies
– (1988) – Friends on a Halloween hay ride encounter zombies. Okay as its own junky zombie flick, but becomes completely worthless when ripping off Night of the Living Dead. Drab cheese with few highlights.
Zombie Nightmare
– (1986) – A guy who’s struck down by a car is resurrected to exact revenge on his assailants. Fails to generate much interest, mainly because the lead villain is killed only two-thirds in. The slow pace doesn’t help, but some of the stupidity is amusing.
Camp Blood: Clown Shark
– (2024) – The severed head of a killer clown conjoins with a fish in a lake and becomes a murderous shark. There’s sort of a story involving the girl who killed that clown and the town that’s grateful for his demise, but that’s the only progression provided. Almost has a great homage to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre III trailer, but the overall cheapness sours that aspect as well.
Terror Firmer
– (1999) – A homicidal hermaphrodite further complicates an already screwed up movie set. Every scene arrangement feels jumbled, though most of the chaotic events are zany and far from politically correct. Gets better after a lousy beginning, but full blown enjoyment comes in small doses.