Buddy
– (2026) – When the mascot of a children’s show starts killing its co-stars, the survivors flee to a protected realm. Meanwhile, in the real world, a woman who believes she forgot about having one of her children is sucked into the show. In other words: huh? The first act is by far the highlight as the morbidity is both disturbing and humorous, but this runs out of gas shortly thereafter. Though some sadism remains, repetition creeps in and drags down the initial enjoyment.
V/H/S/Mixtape
– (2026) – Anthology of four stories that focus on singing puppets, a couple trapped in a cube, a mysterious musician, and a killer recording her murders. If the sole intention of each story was to create a massive headache, then congrats filmmakers, you succeeded admirably since each segment is magnanimously earsplitting. Some of the practical F/X are fine, but they don’t come close to saving the weak stories, the irritating acting, and the utterly meaningless interludes.
Mark of the Witch
– (1970) – A woman who was hung as a witch returns 300 years later in the body of a college student. That’s pretty much all this is about, aside from two guys who try (and fail) to set things straight with the spiritual happenings. It’s goofy enough to skirt by on camp, but nothing that occurs ever raises a pulse.
Onslaught
– (2026) – Three lab enhanced super soldiers make their way to a trailer park where a former sniper keenly protects her daughter. This might be in the same universe as The Guest, but isn’t close to the same league. The mother/daughter drama feels forced while the action/horror dynamic feels underdeveloped. Some of the violence is okay, but there’s simply not enough of it to counteract the dull drama. Essentially, this is about an eternally pissed off woman who takes on cartoon warriors.
4 Halloween
– (2023) – Anthology of four stories that focus on a masked mutilator, a haggard witch, murderous pizza, the undead, and (making this the fifth premise despite the title) clowns from outer space. There isn’t much to say about this that’s remotely positive, so I’ll start with the good news: it ends. Every moment is repulsive, from the acting to the cheap aesthetic to the total lack of competent storytelling. Trust me, you’ll have more fun stomping out a flaming bag of dog shit.
Boorman and the Devil
– (2025) – Documentary that explores the creation of Exorcist II: The Heretic, one of the worst movies ever concocted by humans with actual talent. A mostly-fascinating recount of how a thought-promising script became a filming nightmare thanks to so many unforeseen circumstances. We often snicker at films that bomb financially, yet the final third illustrates the sadness of those involved as no one intends to create art worth laughing at. Informative and ultimately emotional.
– (1995) – A man has visions of the woman he killed on the night she summoned the death of a lawyer. Mainly consists of softcore smut, since the plot always takes a backseat to lusting characters. Kind of gets into horror near the end, but two victims getting bludgeoned with a sauna rock isn’t exactly enthralling. Short, but often feel endless.
– (1988) – “Punkers” attack a wealthy family in their home, then fall victim to an ugly inhabitant. Starts off as a bad monster movie before turning into an even worse vigilante story. The final twist is pathetic, but the length is mercifully short.
– (2023) – A group of friends rent a cabin near a lake where an alligator goes on a rampage after eating a laptop. It’s nearly impossible to judge a movie that’s aware of how terrible it is, though there are some amusing moments and performances. Runs less than an hour yet somehow feels much longer.
The Laksman
– (2026) – A group of friends attend a Halloween attraction where a masked killer lurks. While that’s the basic premise, there’s little follow through to an actual story since most scenes consist of a female hick who simply won’t shut up. Her perpetual screeching would ruin any particular scene, yet she appears in the bulk. That annoyance aside, this is still an abysmal output since the killer has no central meaning and his murders are few.
Shark Zone
– (2003) – A man with knowledge of underwater diamonds is heavily persuaded by the Russian mob to give up their whereabouts. Begins as a terrible-but-enjoyable bloodbath, but gradually becomes a lame crime caper. Endlessly boneheaded.
Night of the Comet
– (1984) – Two sisters who survive a comet that turns most humans to dust face off against zombies and scientists. Rarely gets a chance to have fun with the survivor premise, as too many stock villains get in the way. Never entirely awful, but never above fair.
Gothic Harvest
– (2019) – A girl is abducted by an affluent family that has ties to a voodoo curse. Pretty pitiful out of the gate, and worsens the more the story is explained. There’s simply too much corn in every character and plot point, and far too many close-ups of irritating actors.
The Devil’s Rejects
– (2005) – A depraved family wreaks havoc on innocent civilains while a disturbed cop tracks them down. Follows a different path than its predecessor, House of 1000 Corpses, and as such is much more focused and absorbing. The violence is brutal, yet the despicable “bad guys” are hard to root against. A dynamic study of humanity’s darkest roots.
Actium Maximus: War of the Alien Dinosaurs
– (2005) – Interplanetary turmoil leads to many assassination attempts and alien gladiator fights. Whatever plot exists is told through mumbling humans and subtitled robots whom are of equally nil importance. The FX are astoundingly terrible, and can’t warrant respect even when considering the budget. Garbage.