Don’t Move (2026)
– (2026) – Something is picking off patrons of a wooded religious retreat, prompting strangers to band together in the name of survival. A mostly lame experience that begins with perhaps the cheesiest family ever committed to film, yet the characterizations only worsen thereafter. There isn’t a single person who’s realistically relatable, so when the horror finally kicks in we accept reprieve in their deaths. Far more irritating that intimidating.
Hallowarrior
– (2026) – The supposed last girl on Earth spends Halloween alone (naturally) until she’s visited upon by three other survivors and multiple human monsters. A post-apocalyptic dud that only identifies a few characters, yet can’t do anything significant with any of them. The entirety takes place in one location, so there’s no chance new sets will distract anyone from the monotony. Worse still, the lead is referred to as “Pumpkin” so many times that one might actually want to smash her against pavement.
Buddy
– (2026) – When the mascot of a children’s show starts killing its co-stars, the survivors flee to a protected realm. Meanwhile, in the real world, a woman who believes she forgot about having one of her children is sucked into the show. In other words: huh? The first act is by far the highlight as the morbidity is both disturbing and humorous, but this runs out of gas shortly thereafter. Though some sadism remains, repetition creeps in and drags down the initial enjoyment.
V/H/S/Mixtape
– (2026) – Anthology of four stories that focus on singing puppets, a couple trapped in a cube, a mysterious musician, and a killer recording her murders. If the sole intention of each story was to create a massive headache, then congrats filmmakers, you succeeded admirably since each segment is magnanimously earsplitting. Some of the practical F/X are fine, but they don’t come close to saving the weak stories, the irritating acting, and the utterly meaningless interludes.
Mark of the Witch
– (1970) – A woman who was hung as a witch returns 300 years later in the body of a college student. That’s pretty much all this is about, aside from two guys who try (and fail) to set things straight with the spiritual happenings. It’s goofy enough to skirt by on camp, but nothing that occurs ever raises a pulse.
Onslaught
– (2026) – Three lab enhanced super soldiers make their way to a trailer park where a former sniper keenly protects her daughter. This might be in the same universe as The Guest, but isn’t close to the same league. The mother/daughter drama feels forced while the action/horror dynamic feels underdeveloped. Some of the violence is okay, but there’s simply not enough of it to counteract the dull drama. Essentially, this is about an eternally pissed off woman who takes on cartoon warriors.
– (1987) – Friends investigate an evil force that drove them out of a house. The few additions of gore aren’t bad, but everything else is sheer drivel. The story takes forever to go nowhere while the dialog is mind numbingly trite. Some parts are almost funny, but the actors always screw up the humor.
– (1974) – A girl falls under fleeting spells of possession ensuing her grandfather’s death. Some of her outbursts are unintentionally ridiculous (thus hilarious) and steal attention from the dull remains. Bad, but not quite bad enough.
Lost After Dark
– (2015) – A group of friends steal a bus, run out of gas, and end up in the terrain of a killer. Another faux ’80s slasher that pretends it’s from the past but forgets to include a single moment that feels like the ’80s. This is just another shot on digital mess with CGI gore and typically trite teens.
Dogs of Hell
– (1982) – Trained Rottweilers are accidentally unleashed upon a small town. Nothing between the characters raises interest, and the few dog shots are wasted opportunities to breathe life into the doldrums. Filmed as though it had a serious purpose, but ends up a gigantic bore.
Shivers (aka They Came from Within)
– (1975) – Sex zombies possessed by a parasite aim to make the world a huge orgy because man lost track of himself. A metaphor for the sexual revolution, but told in an overly campy and dull manner. Mostly junk, but not without some sleazy merit.
From Beyond the Grave
– (1973) – Anthology of four stories that focus on a haunted mirror, a voodoo woman, a shoulder phantom and a mysterious door. Provides some amusement and creepy atmosphere, but loses too many bouts with sluggishness and silliness.
Carnival of Souls (1998)
– (1998) – Ensuing a watery car accident, a woman has premonitions of an abusive clown… who’s dead. Tries hard to come off as weird, and certainly is, but nothing straight nor uneven has any meaning or depth. Raises curiosity, but the results are always lame.
Return to Nuke ‘Em High, Volume 1
– (2013) – Radioactive tacos mutate Tromaville students into singing, murdering annoyances. Feels like zaniness for the sake of zaniness, and never forms a significant social point. One or two characters are worth investing time in, but there’s little camaraderie among friends or foes. A rare Lloyd letdown.