Don’t Move (2026)
– (2026) – Something is picking off patrons of a wooded religious retreat, prompting strangers to band together in the name of survival. A mostly lame experience that begins with perhaps the cheesiest family ever committed to film, yet the characterizations only worsen thereafter. There isn’t a single person who’s realistically relatable, so when the horror finally kicks in we accept reprieve in their deaths. Far more irritating that intimidating.
Hallowarrior
– (2026) – The supposed last girl on Earth spends Halloween alone (naturally) until she’s visited upon by three other survivors and multiple human monsters. A post-apocalyptic dud that only identifies a few characters, yet can’t do anything significant with any of them. The entirety takes place in one location, so there’s no chance new sets will distract anyone from the monotony. Worse still, the lead is referred to as “Pumpkin” so many times that one might actually want to smash her against pavement.
Buddy
– (2026) – When the mascot of a children’s show starts killing its co-stars, the survivors flee to a protected realm. Meanwhile, in the real world, a woman who believes she forgot about having one of her children is sucked into the show. In other words: huh? The first act is by far the highlight as the morbidity is both disturbing and humorous, but this runs out of gas shortly thereafter. Though some sadism remains, repetition creeps in and drags down the initial enjoyment.
V/H/S/Mixtape
– (2026) – Anthology of four stories that focus on singing puppets, a couple trapped in a cube, a mysterious musician, and a killer recording her murders. If the sole intention of each story was to create a massive headache, then congrats filmmakers, you succeeded admirably since each segment is magnanimously earsplitting. Some of the practical F/X are fine, but they don’t come close to saving the weak stories, the irritating acting, and the utterly meaningless interludes.
Mark of the Witch
– (1970) – A woman who was hung as a witch returns 300 years later in the body of a college student. That’s pretty much all this is about, aside from two guys who try (and fail) to set things straight with the spiritual happenings. It’s goofy enough to skirt by on camp, but nothing that occurs ever raises a pulse.
Onslaught
– (2026) – Three lab enhanced super soldiers make their way to a trailer park where a former sniper keenly protects her daughter. This might be in the same universe as The Guest, but isn’t close to the same league. The mother/daughter drama feels forced while the action/horror dynamic feels underdeveloped. Some of the violence is okay, but there’s simply not enough of it to counteract the dull drama. Essentially, this is about an eternally pissed off woman who takes on cartoon warriors.
– (1972) – A girl wins a trip to an island inn that’s run by kooky murderers. Spends most of its short length dragging out meaningless scenes without ever building tension or credibility. A failed oddity.
– (2025) – Two friends who have always wanted to make a movie travel to the Amazon to remake 1997’s Anaconda, but things don’t go according to plan. While there’s plenty of chaos afoot, and quite a few twists in the second half, there’s one resounding problem throughout: it’s not funny. There’s a humorous cameo toward the end, but the rest of the film isn’t nearly as clever as intended. A total misfire.
– (2012) – A clairvoyant explains how he became entangled in a surreal world of creatures and mind tricks. Constantly moves between past and present, but confusion never sets in as the plot is unique enough to keep up with. The main problem is that the overall results aren’t nearly as engaging as the ambitious set-up.
The Giant Spider Invasion
– (1975) – A meteor crash lands in a rural town and brings with it diamonds and spiders. A gloriously ridiculous mess with humor that ranges from intentional to completely accidental. Characters are fun and colorful, as is their goofy bantering, while the spider design is simply awful even by low budget standards.
Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey
– (2023) – Five years after they’re abandoned by Christopher Robin, Winnie-the-Pooh and Piglet embark on a killing spree. Doesn’t have a single trace of plot progression or character development, since its only agenda is focused on sadistic violence. Works well as a bloodbath, and does manage some creepy vibes, but everything in between is more than a little hollow.
Night of the Living Dead 3-D: Re-Animation
– (2012) – The dead are rising near a mortuary where brothers seek personal gains in the matter. Not too bad early on when dealing with character scenarios, but once the zombie mayhem kick in the lousy F/X replace all plot momentum. A subtle and meaningless venture that wastes a few good actors.
Child’s Play (1988)
– (1988) – A dying serial killer possesses a doll who must transfer his soul into a 6-year-old boy. Could easily have failed if not handled properly, but the premise is carefully constructed through believable acting and some tense moments. Rightfully memorable for hitting a few horrific and dramatic notes.
Scary Movie (2026)
– (2026) – Someone’s stalking the children of the main characters of the original Scary Movie. That’s basically the entire plot, since any other story intentions are lost to an assault of jokes. While there are no huge laughs, and some humor lands with a thud, there’s plenty to chuckle over throughout thanks largely to the antics of returning cast members from prior entries (this is Part 6). Feels as though it was edited with a hand mixer, as scenes come and go without cohesion, but by the end just-enough fun is had.
Def by Temptation
– (1990) – A barfly/vampire kills men with her teeth, claws, or special powers. Solid characters and commendable acting carry what’s essentially an unoriginal priest vs. faith plot. Features nothing new or exciting, but lacks anything outright detestable.