Pinocchio Unstrung
– (2026) – An orphaned kid is introduced to a boy made of wood who hopes to become human by ingesting human flesh. A remarkably dull jaunt that asks us to either care about children we barely know over a goddamn puppet. As horror this is okay since there is a lot of bloody violence, but as a narrative drama this lacks everything that could possibly create a single emotional experience. Kudos to the practical FX, but the script is garbage.
Dream Scenario
– (2023) – Many people in a small community are dreaming about the same mild-mannered professor, which is a quirk for all until their dreams become violent. Begins as a curious comedy that darkens as it goes while consistently building sympathy for the hapless protagonist. Has some issues with pacing and tone, and the conclusion isn’t fully embraceable, but this is often humorous, sad, and surprising in all the right ways.
Popeye IV: Resurrection
– (2026) – The survivor of a mutant killer becomes entangled with a cult that revives said killer. Most of this is a contrived drama about helping others as a means of persevering, but try not to lose track of how many times you yawn through the dull progressions. Gets slightly better when violence finally arrives, but only because there are less derivative characters to put up with. The worst entry in a series of absolute wretch.
Popeye III: Requiem
– (2026) – A drug enhanced super sailor escapes from a science facility and lays waste to anyone in his way. Barely has a plot, as this only serves to exploit a well-known IP by attempting to add comical violence to what was once considered family friendly harm. Well, I’m not laughing. I’m not cringing, either, as all of the carnage is repetitive, poorly staged, and created with feeble FX. An unoriginal waste of time and resources.
Popeye Returns
– (2026) – A sailor with mutant strength takes out his militaristic problems on the small world around him. Looking for a plot? Grab a telescope and twist the lens for miles. You won’t find one. Luckily this is short, because the scarce violence and bland characters do nothing to hold concentration. A weary void that manages to end with one credible threat: “to be continued.”
Party Night
– (2017) – Three couples decide to party at an abandoned house after the prom, but find themselves stalked by a killer. While there’s absolutely nothing new to this, the female acting isn’t bad and the script delivers some realistic lines. Sadly, the gore scenes are all but ruined by blood that has too much of an orange tint, as though vodka sauce runs through everyone’s veins. Generic, but more enjoyable than many other no-budget slashers.
– (1985) – Documentary that continues to explore the ways in which humans and animals can die. The only authentic footage is of chicken slaughter, while the rest is unrelentingly fake. Completely full of crap.
– (1966) – A space crew bound for Mars picks up a green woman who has an appetite for plasma. A dorky experience that explains too much through assumed dialog and not nearly enough through direct action. The female-alien-breeding-eggs motif is a prelude to Alien films, but this dud certainly didn’t influence their excitement.
– (1989) – Mary Lou is back to rekindle a romance with a boy she thinks is her ex. Fast moving, funny, and featuring the beyond charming Cyndy Preston; this is one of the best direct-to-video movies of the era. Has flaws, such as cheesy acting and a sloppy finale, but the violence and humor make for an especially fun time.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation
– (1994) – Four kids on Prom Night get lost in the woods and befall a clan of irritating cannibals. Each line and mannerism from the despicable cast elicits a rage that can only be quelled by the end credits. Tries way too hard to not make any sense, and reaches insane levels of obnoxiousness.
Grizzly II: The Concert
– (1983) – A killer bear is stalking grounds near a highly attended rock concert. Though the monster never made this unfinished cut, everything else points to a terrible/cheesy time with or without a fake grizzly. However, way too much time is spent on the awful musical acts.
Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead
– (1994) – Reggie’s still hunting the Tall Man, this time to save Mike. Replaces mystery with humor, and loses hold of the fresh and frequent ideas that made the previous entries so involving. Reggie’s new partners, Tim and Rocky, are annoying at best, but there is a welcoming sense of weird adventure.
Gothic Harvest
– (2019) – A girl is abducted by an affluent family that has ties to a voodoo curse. Pretty pitiful out of the gate, and worsens the more the story is explained. There’s simply too much corn in every character and plot point, and far too many close-ups of irritating actors.
13 Slays Till X-Mas
– (2020) – Anthology of 13 stories that focus on a damaging wreath, a dead wife, serial killers, a suicidal father, a mutant tree, a murderous clown, a summoned butcher, a bug-eyed assassin, a cop pursuing a suspect, an angry radio DJ, demons, woodland creatures and yuletide vengeance. A perfectly atrocious concoction of tales that never last long enough to matter in the most rudimentary sense. It’s too brightly lit, too badly acted, and too badly written to do anything but irritate. Nothing new.
Tales from the Crapper
– (2004) – Two stories filmed by Troma, and later riffed on by Troma. A failed experiment that led to spoofing during the editing process, but self-depreciating humor can’t salvage this disaster. Even the nudity is unflattering.