Pinocchio Unstrung
– (2026) – An orphaned kid is introduced to a boy made of wood who hopes to become human by ingesting human flesh. A remarkably dull jaunt that asks us to either care about children we barely know over a goddamn puppet. As horror this is okay since there is a lot of bloody violence, but as a narrative drama this lacks everything that could possibly create a single emotional experience. Kudos to the practical FX, but the script is garbage.
Dream Scenario
– (2023) – Many people in a small community are dreaming about the same mild-mannered professor, which is a quirk for all until their dreams become violent. Begins as a curious comedy that darkens as it goes while consistently building sympathy for the hapless protagonist. Has some issues with pacing and tone, and the conclusion isn’t fully embraceable, but this is often humorous, sad, and surprising in all the right ways.
Popeye IV: Resurrection
– (2026) – The survivor of a mutant killer becomes entangled with a cult that revives said killer. Most of this is a contrived drama about helping others as a means of persevering, but try not to lose track of how many times you yawn through the dull progressions. Gets slightly better when violence finally arrives, but only because there are less derivative characters to put up with. The worst entry in a series of absolute wretch.
Popeye III: Requiem
– (2026) – A drug enhanced super sailor escapes from a science facility and lays waste to anyone in his way. Barely has a plot, as this only serves to exploit a well-known IP by attempting to add comical violence to what was once considered family friendly harm. Well, I’m not laughing. I’m not cringing, either, as all of the carnage is repetitive, poorly staged, and created with feeble FX. An unoriginal waste of time and resources.
Popeye Returns
– (2026) – A sailor with mutant strength takes out his militaristic problems on the small world around him. Looking for a plot? Grab a telescope and twist the lens for miles. You won’t find one. Luckily this is short, because the scarce violence and bland characters do nothing to hold concentration. A weary void that manages to end with one credible threat: “to be continued.”
Party Night
– (2017) – Three couples decide to party at an abandoned house after the prom, but find themselves stalked by a killer. While there’s absolutely nothing new to this, the female acting isn’t bad and the script delivers some realistic lines. Sadly, the gore scenes are all but ruined by blood that has too much of an orange tint, as though vodka sauce runs through everyone’s veins. Generic, but more enjoyable than many other no-budget slashers.
– (1983) – A musician who’s writing the score to a thriller finds himself involved in a murderous plot. Painfully dull and overlong with only one good murder. The giggling killer annoys and there’s virtually no suspense.
– (1990) – Anthology of four stories (including the wraparound) that focus on a cannibal, a mummy, a cat, and a gargoyle. Slow and uninspired, but has some okay horror moments and a good cast. On par with the equally okay TV series, and has a few moments worth remembering.
– (2006) – An invisible man searches for the scientist who can return him to flesh. Rarely does anything that raises interest, as the drama is dull and the action ridiculous. Provides no credible reason for existing.
Just Before Dawn
– (1980) – Five campers fall prey to inbred twins. Starts with a horrific bang, then slowly becomes a so-so tale of survival with obvious plotting and irritating characters. Not without a share of horror, but everything else is unoriginal and bland.
Deep Blue Sea 3
– (2020) – Global warming researchers come under attack from a mutated breed of shark at their floating facility. Has more fighting among the human characters than their watery counterparts, as shark attacks are sporadic and too choppily edited. An incredibly dull venture that lacks excitement and chemistry among any two characters.
Lifeforce
– (1985) – The exploration of Haley’s Comet leads to the discovery of deadly space vampires. Some good themes and a solid beginning are wasted by the silly second act and choppy finale. A fast pace helps, as does an oft naked Mathilda May.
Child’s Play (1988)
– (1988) – A dying serial killer possesses a doll who must transfer his soul into a 6-year-old boy. Could easily have failed if not handled properly, but the premise is carefully constructed through believable acting and some tense moments. Rightfully memorable for hitting a few horrific and dramatic notes.
Slasher House
– (2012) – A woman awakens in a guard-free prison where serial killers compete to kill her. The concept isn’t bad, but everything that brings it to life is staggeringly self-absorbed. Riddled with pretentiousness from the dialog straight through to the overmuch mannerisms of the actors. Putrid.
Buttcrack
– (1998) – An irritating roommate is accidentally killed, and returns to continue ruining human lives. Moderately funny when dealing with the namesake’s annoyances, but that’s pretty much all this offers. The comedy wears thin, the horror is lousy, and anything resembling a point is non-existent.