Onslaught
– (2026) – Three lab enhanced super soldiers make their way to a trailer park where a former sniper keenly protects her daughter. This might be in the same universe as The Guest, but isn’t close to the same league. The mother/daughter drama feels forced while the action/horror dynamic feels underdeveloped. Some of the violence is okay, but there’s simply not enough of it to counteract the dull drama. Essentially, this is about an eternally pissed off woman who takes on cartoon warriors.
4 Halloween
– (2023) – Anthology of four stories that focus on a masked mutilator, a haggard witch, murderous pizza, the undead, and (making this the fifth premise despite the title) clowns from outer space. There isn’t much to say about this that’s remotely positive, so I’ll start with the good news: it ends. Every moment is repulsive, from the acting to the cheap aesthetic to the total lack of competent storytelling. Trust me, you’ll have more fun stomping out a flaming bag of dog shit.
Boorman and the Devil
– (2025) – Documentary that explores the creation of Exorcist II: The Heretic, one of the worst movies ever concocted by humans with actual talent. A mostly-fascinating recount of how a thought-promising script became a filming nightmare thanks to so many unforeseen circumstances. We often laugh at films that bomb financially, yet the final third illustrates the sadness of those involved as no one intends to create art worth laughing at. Informative and ultimately emotional.
Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma
– (2026) – A queer director is hired to reboot a horror series about a killer who was raised as a boy and a girl. Takes a meta approach to storytelling that tries to keep this from becoming an ordinary slasher, but neither the movie itself, nor the movie-within-the-movie works very well. The results aren’t as thought-provoking nor as emotionally complex as intended since the wussy music is a distraction against conventional angst, the killer’s air vent design is laughably distracting, while the whole point is swallowed up by an uneven narrative tone. Simply put: a mess.
Night Harvest
– (2024) – Two couples on a road trip befall a killer who wears a pumpkin over his head. Oh, and for some reason one the characters can start fires with his mind. An all around waste of bandwidth since the participants say and do nothing of significance, yet act as though every move they make is insightful. Only has a few moments of violence, but there’s plenty of chatter among drab nobodies.
Evil Dead Burn
– (2026) – A young widow visits the family of her deceased husband only to discover their dysfunction has ties to demonic possession. Mainly gets by on violence and some neat camerawork, since there isn’t a single character worth cheering for. This is by far the lesser entry in the series mainly because the participants are just as despicable as humans as they are as deadites. Every moment is so dour and humorless that the weight of the depression gets tiresome fast, which ultimately leads to empty mayhem.
– (1983) – Movie fans break into the mortuary where a recently deceased icon is resting, and become trapped by his evil forces. Though the concept isn’t too bad, the actuality is painfully trite. Lacks creativity in characters, suspense, and meaning.
– (1999) – A girl who inherits a house invites her friends to join her for male-witch mayhem. Moves too slow, and never does anything thrilling, but at least attempts some busy events. A bore with too many corny routes.
– (1994) – Four kids on Prom Night get lost in the woods and befall a clan of irritating cannibals. Each line and mannerism from the despicable cast elicits a rage that can only be quelled by the end credits. Tries way too hard to not make any sense, and reaches insane levels of obnoxiousness.
The Stitcher
– (2007) – Friends staying at a lake house are picked off by a ragged killer. Tries patience from the word go thanks to lousy acting, an overemphasis on hillbillies, and a lack of memorable moments. Irritating.
Uninvited (1988)
– (1988) – A genetically mutated cat boards a yacht where Spring Breakers anticipate a scenic vacation. A bad idea that pits a silly situation against empty characters. Might have been better if it didn’t take itself so seriously, but it’s cheap enough to withstand.
Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City
– (2021) – A viral outbreak in a small town turns citizens into victims, zombies, and/or monsters. Plays as a live action version of the first two Resident Evil video games, which is commendable considering how the previous series had little to do with the games. However, by watching without a controller in hand the events get dull awfully fast. Goes through familiar motions without offering anything fresh to a beaten zombie genre.
From a Whisper to a Scream
– (1987) – Anthology of four stories that focus on a lonely murderer, a greedy thief, carnival lust, and young Civil War survivors. While none of the tales make much sense, each has its own creepy vibe and some violent moments that are hard to shake. A dark, atmospheric, and bloody good time that ends with a truly humorous line.
Summerween
– (2026) – A killer clown escapes from a mental facility and finds his way to a party attended by a cop’s daughter. This is little more than a standard slasher that could have been slightly unique if it lived up to its criminally wasted title. What exactly is Summerween? Why is it celebrated? Why are the characters so eager to throw a great party over its existence? Nothing of the sort is explained. Instead, we’re treated to just another humdrum clown on a rampage flick.
The Dark Side of Midnight
– (1984) – A killer’s on the loose in a town whose mayor is more concerned with building a university. The victims are the highlight early on, but a steady stream of repetitive banter quickly takes over. Unforgivably long, and has no idea how to build suspense or drama.