Onslaught
– (2026) – Three lab enhanced super soldiers make their way to a trailer park where a former sniper keenly protects her daughter. This might be in the same universe as The Guest, but isn’t close to the same league. The mother/daughter drama feels forced while the action/horror dynamic feels underdeveloped. Some of the violence is okay, but there’s simply not enough of it to counteract the dull drama. Essentially, this is about an eternally pissed off woman who takes on cartoon warriors.
4 Halloween
– (2023) – Anthology of four stories that focus on a masked mutilator, a haggard witch, murderous pizza, the undead, and (making this the fifth premise despite the title) clowns from outer space. There isn’t much to say about this that’s remotely positive, so I’ll start with the good news: it ends. Every moment is repulsive, from the acting to the cheap aesthetic to the total lack of competent storytelling. Trust me, you’ll have more fun stomping out a flaming bag of dog shit.
Boorman and the Devil
– (2025) – Documentary that explores the creation of Exorcist II: The Heretic, one of the worst movies ever concocted by humans with actual talent. A mostly-fascinating recount of how a thought-promising script became a filming nightmare thanks to so many unforeseen circumstances. We often laugh at films that bomb financially, yet the final third illustrates the sadness of those involved as no one intends to create art worth laughing at. Informative and ultimately emotional.
Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma
– (2026) – A queer director is hired to reboot a horror series about a killer who was raised as a boy and a girl. Takes a meta approach to storytelling that tries to keep this from becoming an ordinary slasher, but neither the movie itself, nor the movie-within-the-movie works very well. The results aren’t as thought-provoking nor as emotionally complex as intended since the wussy music is a distraction against conventional angst, the killer’s air vent design is laughably distracting, while the whole point is swallowed up by an uneven narrative tone. Simply put: a mess.
Night Harvest
– (2024) – Two couples on a road trip befall a killer who wears a pumpkin over his head. Oh, and for some reason one the characters can start fires with his mind. An all around waste of bandwidth since the participants say and do nothing of significance, yet act as though every move they make is insightful. Only has a few moments of violence, but there’s plenty of chatter among drab nobodies.
Evil Dead Burn
– (2026) – A young widow visits the family of her deceased husband only to discover their dysfunction has ties to demonic possession. Mainly gets by on violence and some neat camerawork, since there isn’t a single character worth cheering for. This is by far the lesser entry in the series mainly because the participants are just as despicable as humans as they are as deadites. Every moment is so dour and humorless that the weight of the depression gets tiresome fast, which ultimately leads to empty mayhem.
– (1988) – An electrocuted prisoner returns two decades later as a killer ghost. The specific motive is a bit of a letdown as the spirit kills guards and inmates alike, but overall this is steadily enjoyable and packs some heavy punches.
– (1972) – Anthology of four stories that focus on a dismembered body, a mysterious suit, a murderess, and human replica robots. The concept of telling stories through mental patients is commendable, but the tales themselves are rather flat and dopey. Sometimes amusing, but never scary, humorous, or surprising.
– (1972) – Rednecks drain the blood of their victims for some sort of queen, while an old guy works on figuring out why the blood is growing. Yes, it’s that odd. It’s also flat out terrible, but laughably amateurish on all counts.
Wrong Turn (2021)
– (2021) – A group of friends go off trail while hiking and discover an underground cult. Gets off to a perfectly awful start where insufferable characters constantly scream and curse at will. A twist eventually surfaces within the villains, but this still serves no greater purpose than killing people for rather dumb reasons. Improves as it goes, but drags its feet for so long the ultimate turns become easy to predict.
Killer Crocodile
– (1989) – A radioactive crocodile attacks an Amazon-ish area. Starts with a perfectly chintzy shot that raises hope for what follows, but doesn’t take long to drift down a river of nothingness. Enough occurs to keep this afloat, but too many stretches are far too dull.
Baron Blood
– (1972) – A legendary creeper returns from death just as his castle is auctioned off. Has some great horror moments early on, but boredom eventually takes the cake and provides lengthy yawns. More mayhem would have helped.
The Skeleton Key (2005)
– (2005) – A woman is hired to care for an elderly man in a house of hoodoo secrets. Some parts of the mystery are intriguing, and the conclusion is bizarre, but the overall pace makes every second feel like an hour. Best when dealing with atmosphere, since the character stories leave much to be desired.
13 Slays Till X-Mas
– (2020) – Anthology of 13 stories that focus on a damaging wreath, a dead wife, serial killers, a suicidal father, a mutant tree, a murderous clown, a summoned butcher, a bug-eyed assassin, a cop pursuing a suspect, an angry radio DJ, demons, woodland creatures and yuletide vengeance. A perfectly atrocious concoction of tales that never last long enough to matter in the most rudimentary sense. It’s too brightly lit, too badly acted, and too badly written to do anything but irritate. Nothing new.
Dumpster Baby
– (2000) – A discarded newborn is passed around from one group of lowlifes to another. Aside from a phantom following the baby’s whereabouts, there isn’t enough going on to classify this as an actual story. Seems like an art school project from a confused mind.