Hallowarrior
– (2026) – The supposed last girl on Earth spends Halloween alone (naturally) until she’s visited upon by three other survivors and multiple human monsters. A post-apocalyptic dud that only identifies a few characters, yet can’t do anything significant with any of them. The entirety takes place in one location, so there’s no chance new sets will distract anyone from the monotony. Worse still, the lead is referred to as “Pumpkin” so many times that one might actually want to smash her against pavement.
Buddy
– (2026) – When the mascot of a children’s show starts killing its co-stars, the survivors flee to a protected realm. Meanwhile, in the real world, a woman who believes she forgot about having one of her children is sucked into the show. In other words: huh? The first act is by far the highlight as the morbidity is both disturbing and humorous, but this runs out of gas shortly thereafter. Though some sadism remains, repetition creeps in and drags down the initial enjoyment.
V/H/S/Mixtape
– (2026) – Anthology of four stories that focus on singing puppets, a couple trapped in a cube, a mysterious musician, and a killer recording her murders. If the sole intention of each story was to create a massive headache, then congrats filmmakers, you succeeded admirably since each segment is magnanimously earsplitting. Some of the practical F/X are fine, but they don’t come close to saving the weak stories, the irritating acting, and the utterly meaningless interludes.
Mark of the Witch
– (1970) – A woman who was hung as a witch returns 300 years later in the body of a college student. That’s pretty much all this is about, aside from two guys who try (and fail) to set things straight with the spiritual happenings. It’s goofy enough to skirt by on camp, but nothing that occurs ever raises a pulse.
Onslaught
– (2026) – Three lab enhanced super soldiers make their way to a trailer park where a former sniper keenly protects her daughter. This might be in the same universe as The Guest, but isn’t close to the same league. The mother/daughter drama feels forced while the action/horror dynamic feels underdeveloped. Some of the violence is okay, but there’s simply not enough of it to counteract the dull drama. Essentially, this is about an eternally pissed off woman who takes on cartoon warriors.
4 Halloween
– (2023) – Anthology of four stories that focus on a masked mutilator, a haggard witch, murderous pizza, the undead, and (making this the fifth premise despite the title) clowns from outer space. There isn’t much to say about this that’s remotely positive, so I’ll start with the good news: it ends. Every moment is repulsive, from the acting to the cheap aesthetic to the total lack of competent storytelling. Trust me, you’ll have more fun stomping out a flaming bag of dog shit.
– (1996) – A kid and a scientist want to help, protect, or destroy a former dolt who became a computer god. Ten times more confusing than necessary, and makes even less sense when compared to the original. Borderline terrible, but moves fast and sometimes looks cool.
– (2008) – Car washing bimbos are picked off by a thought-dead chef. Most jokes die fast deaths, but the few that are actually funny provide some enjoyment. Bad, but short and quirky.
– (1994) – Subhumanoid twins on opposite sides of good and evil battle for the fate of Tromaville. Piles on enough lame humor and meaningless action to congest a global fallout shelter. Never the good kind of bad.
Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings
– (2011) – Stranded skiers hole up in an asylum where inbred mutants stalk and eat them. Sports some okay violence, but the scenes of torture are worn out and tend to bore. Characters on either side of bad are typical throwaways. An unnecessary set-up to the lackluster original.
Lake Placid vs. Anaconda
– (2015) – Various parties hunt for or are hunted by a killer crocodile and snake. The horror F/X are as rotten as expected, but the low level screenplay is unforgivably miserable. Mostly gets by on girls constantly running around in bikinis.
The Barn Part II
– (2022) – Sorority girls open a haunted barn attraction on Halloween only to find it taken over by zombies. Won’t win anyone over with its story, as the plot is a flimsy means to continue the original’s slim ideas, but this does home in on two necessary Z-grade components: blood and nudity. Amid the copious amounts of gore are goofy shenanigans among genre vets and hopeful newcomers.
The Devil’s Hand
– (1962) – In order to get laid by a witch, some guys enters a voodoo cult. Has one good idea involving dolls, but the rest is standard hoodoo nonsense. Only 71-minutes, but shoves patience to the brink.
Clown
– (2014) – A man dons a clown costume he can’t remove, only to discover he’s wearing demon skin. Has a few innovative moments and spots of dark humor, but drags its feet when it needs to pick up the pace. Ruins its own creativity with too many implausible and predictable moments.
The Toxic Avenger (1984)
– (1984) – A nerd is tricked into a vat of toxic waste and mutates into a monster superhero. Will never win awards for production or acting, but has more shock value than movies that run twice its length. A utopia of violent, low budget cheese.