Once Upon a Time in Amityville
– (2024) – Bounty hunters seek a refuge in a haunted town. It’s hard to fathom how a film that only runs 71-minutes can cause such monumental grief. The main reason this equates torture is largely due to languidness. The diminutive cast does little but meander from one scene to the next while occasionally coming across a cheap effect. There’s simply no life to the proceedings, as though the digital imprint itself is dead.
Funeral
– (2025) – A small group of people gather for a closed casket funeral during a snow storm, then find they can’t escape the parlor. While this does touch on themes of youth, old age, death and commitment to country, there’s never a sense of exactly what’s happening or why. When the end results are rendered? Good luck not groaning with disapproval. Probes the meaning of life, but does so through a haphazard screenplay.
Amityverse: Infinity
– (2026) – Anthology of 10 stories that focus on a suicide, a radio, singing ghosts, a devious shrink, shark-crabs, a shitting spirit, a cult leader, a dentist, a killer director, and hand puppets. While each story is so short we’re quickly put out of our misery, they’re still a trial to sit through. Every segment is cheaper than dirt, and range from mostly bad to impossibly irritating. Might have been fun for those who created this hell, but the rest of us are made to suffer.
Deathwoods
– (2026) – A group of friends vacate to the woods where they’re picked off by a killer when not hounded by local hillbillies. Yet another run-of-the-mill slasher that pits a so-called legendary killer against people with ordinary issues. There’s some blood n’ boobs here n’ there, but not enough to salvage a dull experience that isn’t as provoking as it wants to be.
Amityverse
– (2025) – Anthology of 10 stories that focus on Halloween night, a murderous clown, an evil spoon, a skeletal cop, a mime, a lawn ornament, a toilet, an invisible person, a killer dirtbag, and a hammer. While nothing presented can be considered prime entertainment, each segment moves too fast to leave behind the lingering stench of failure. Every tale breezes through shoddy action and dollar store F/X, and as such forms a harmless yet forgettable dungheap.
Spider Island
– (2026) – Influencers attending a new island resort encounter a murderous breed of arachnid, which the owner finds a minor inconvenience. Takes some digs at the annoyances of online attention whores, but there’s not much actual horror taking place. The spider activity is incredibly sparse, cheap, and ineffective, while the drama can’t handle the bulk of the remaining length.
– (1987) – Teenagers overtake a camp run by a strict director, only to use the advantage of freedom by going bad. The point of rebellion is lost since there are virtually no good guys to counter what amounts to juvenile Nazism. Doesn’t take long to bore, but does have decent camp atmosphere.
– (1987) – Sorority girls spend hell night in a haunted brothel. The camaraderie among friends and some original horror moments hold interest, but they don’t amount to much by the end. The idea sounds a lot sleazier than the result.
– (1999) – Three students in search of a legendary ghost become hunted by unseen forces. A then-unique design provides a deepening aura of dread as the stranded characters dissolve day after day. Not showing their adversary warrants merit, as the horror is completely up to the viewer. The final five minutes are especially powerful and haunting.
Dark Harvest (1992)
– (1992) – Complicated couples camp out in a desert where they’re assaulted by bumpkins and scarecrows. Pretends to make sense and create tension, but reality tells a different tale. Sheer garbage that only displays a pulse toward the end.
Pet Sematary (2019)
– (2019) – A family relocates to a town near ancient grounds that can return life to the deceased. Seems to have been created for the sole purpose of playing against the original film, but in doing so creates unpredictability in characters and their grim plights. Sometimes uneven, but more often that not will shred nerves and provoke emotions.
Unrated
– (2007) – An evil book brings about a variety of killers that attack a group of catty actresses. Absolutely terrible when the characters speak, but the few moments of gore are absurdly grotesque. Feels much longer than 80-minutes.
Voodoo Dawn
– (1990) – Two guys on a weekend away from Manhattan end up trapped in a locale of black magic. A scene or two of voodoo horror remind of what could have been, since most of the plot is dull and lacks worthy elements. Short, but hollow.
Scary Movie 2
– (2001) – Students and their perverted professor spend a night in a haunted house. A complete rush-job, as there’s virtually no narrative during the 75-minutes of varying gags. Moves fast, however, and provides quite a few scattered laughs throughout.
Igor and the Lunatics
– (1985) – A Manson-esque clan wreak havoc on locals. Hard to make sense of due to a lack of character and plot motivations. There’s no gore, no cheap laughs and no overall purpose.