Hallowarrior
– (2026) – The supposed last girl on Earth spends Halloween alone (naturally) until she’s visited upon by three other survivors and multiple human monsters. A post-apocalyptic dud that only identifies a few characters, yet can’t do anything significant with any of them. The entirety takes place in one location, so there’s no chance new sets will distract anyone from the monotony. Worse still, the lead is referred to as “Pumpkin” so many times that one might actually want to smash her against pavement.
Buddy
– (2026) – When the mascot of a children’s show starts killing its co-stars, the survivors flee to a protected realm. Meanwhile, in the real world, a woman who believes she forgot about having one of her children is sucked into the show. In other words: huh? The first act is by far the highlight as the morbidity is both disturbing and humorous, but this runs out of gas shortly thereafter. Though some sadism remains, repetition creeps in and drags down the initial enjoyment.
V/H/S/Mixtape
– (2026) – Anthology of four stories that focus on singing puppets, a couple trapped in a cube, a mysterious musician, and a killer recording her murders. If the sole intention of each story was to create a massive headache, then congrats filmmakers, you succeeded admirably since each segment is magnanimously earsplitting. Some of the practical F/X are fine, but they don’t come close to saving the weak stories, the irritating acting, and the utterly meaningless interludes.
Mark of the Witch
– (1970) – A woman who was hung as a witch returns 300 years later in the body of a college student. That’s pretty much all this is about, aside from two guys who try (and fail) to set things straight with the spiritual happenings. It’s goofy enough to skirt by on camp, but nothing that occurs ever raises a pulse.
Onslaught
– (2026) – Three lab enhanced super soldiers make their way to a trailer park where a former sniper keenly protects her daughter. This might be in the same universe as The Guest, but isn’t close to the same league. The mother/daughter drama feels forced while the action/horror dynamic feels underdeveloped. Some of the violence is okay, but there’s simply not enough of it to counteract the dull drama. Essentially, this is about an eternally pissed off woman who takes on cartoon warriors.
4 Halloween
– (2023) – Anthology of four stories that focus on a masked mutilator, a haggard witch, murderous pizza, the undead, and (making this the fifth premise despite the title) clowns from outer space. There isn’t much to say about this that’s remotely positive, so I’ll start with the good news: it ends. Every moment is repulsive, from the acting to the cheap aesthetic to the total lack of competent storytelling. Trust me, you’ll have more fun stomping out a flaming bag of dog shit.
– (2011) – Someone is killing sorority girls, and their associates, with the idea that he’s putting them to sleep. Tries to come off as a throwback to ’80s slashers, but mostly duplicates the faults that ruin films of any decade. Poorly acted, completely illogical, and with the worst line dancing since The Howling: New Moon Rising.
– (2010) – “Teenagers” share a common boogeyman in their dreams, but can’t die soon enough. Never captures any emotion or fear since the leads lack personality and the villain mumbles his way through killing them. Often annoys with excruciatingly loud shrieks that mask its inability to create tension. Flat out boring.
– (2016) – A pregnant woman is stalked by a mysterious female who kills anyone in the way of her obtaining a baby. The first two thirds follow the basic pattern of the (vastly superior) original, while the new conclusion in nothing short of a travesty. Badly acted throughout, but the biggest crime is losing every single trace of the first film’s point by relying on a safe outcome. A waste.
Slashed Dreams
– (1975) – A camping couple struggle to recover from or subdue their yokel assailants. Gets off to a busy start, then spends far too much time with two characters who don’t do much. The point is tired and the music is terrible.
Food of the Gods Part 2
– (1989) – A scientist who invents a solution to shrink a giant child mistakenly makes rats huge. The overgrown kid steals the show in two horrendous yet hysterical scenes. Everything else becomes a run of the mill Jaws rip-off.
Day of the Dead: Bloodline
– (2018) – Soldiers and scientists contend with the undead above and below ground. Just another zombie movie, only with a ridiculous subplot of jealousy over a foul mouthed girl and a wide mouthed corpse. Pretty unnecessary on all counts, but does help one realize how much better the original is.
Shock ‘Em Dead
– (1991) – A waste of life sells his soul to become the world’s biggest rock star, but has to become a band member to get started? Doesn’t make sense, but moves at a steady pace, has Traci Lords, and offers some okay ideas. Equally bad and amusing.
Terrifier 3
– (2024) – Art the Clown is out and about killing people at Christmastime. That’s pretty much it. There’s something of a story involving the previous film’s survivor living with an overly cutesy family, but they only serve to bore us until the kills arrive. Granted, the gore F/X are nifty, but by now have become repetitive, even though they account for maybe 20% of the elongated length. Brutal at times, but tries patience.
Nightmare Weekend
– (1986) – A millionaire’s experiment with silver balls that can control and kill people leads to deceit. A complete mess that lacks any redeeming qualities. Never makes sense and ends without a resolution.