V/H/S/Mixtape
– (2026) – Anthology of four stories that focus on singing puppets, a couple trapped in a cube, a mysterious musician, and a killer recording her murders. If the sole intention of each story was to create a massive headache, then congrats filmmakers, you succeeded admirably since each segment is magnanimously earsplitting. Some of the practical F/X are fine, but they don’t come close to saving the weak stories, the irritating acting, and the utterly meaningless interludes.
Mark of the Witch
– (1970) – A woman who was hung as a witch returns 300 years later in the body of a college student. That’s pretty much all this is about, aside from two guys who try (and fail) to set things straight with the spiritual happenings. It’s goofy enough to skirt by on camp, but nothing that occurs ever raises a pulse.
Onslaught
– (2026) – Three lab enhanced super soldiers make their way to a trailer park where a former sniper keenly protects her daughter. This might be in the same universe as The Guest, but isn’t close to the same league. The mother/daughter drama feels forced while the action/horror dynamic feels underdeveloped. Some of the violence is okay, but there’s simply not enough of it to counteract the dull drama. Essentially, this is about an eternally pissed off woman who takes on cartoon warriors.
4 Halloween
– (2023) – Anthology of four stories that focus on a masked mutilator, a haggard witch, murderous pizza, the undead, and (making this the fifth premise despite the title) clowns from outer space. There isn’t much to say about this that’s remotely positive, so I’ll start with the good news: it ends. Every moment is repulsive, from the acting to the cheap aesthetic to the total lack of competent storytelling. Trust me, you’ll have more fun stomping out a flaming bag of dog shit.
Boorman and the Devil
– (2025) – Documentary that explores the creation of Exorcist II: The Heretic, one of the worst movies ever concocted by humans with actual talent. A mostly-fascinating recount of how a thought-promising script became a filming nightmare thanks to so many unforeseen circumstances. We often snicker at films that bomb financially, yet the final third illustrates the sadness of those involved as no one intends to create art worth laughing at. Informative and ultimately emotional.
Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma
– (2026) – A queer director is hired to reboot a horror series about a killer who was raised as a boy and a girl. Takes a meta approach to storytelling that tries to keep this from becoming an ordinary slasher, but neither the movie itself, nor the movie-within-the-movie works very well. The results aren’t as thought-provoking nor as emotionally complex as intended since the wussy music is a distraction against conventional angst, the killer’s air vent design is laughably distracting, while the whole point is swallowed up by an uneven narrative tone. Simply put: a mess.
– (1994) – A doctor is called to a house of cultists where his former love is dying. Lacks a point, but does offer some mild involvement and meets a high breast quota. Light on horror, heavy on inane dialog.
– (2004) – Collection of shorts that focus on a carnival, an eclair, dreams, a fortuneteller, a crippled kid and a troubled clock maker. The stories range from barely okay to stunningly annoying, but hold some interest despite their slow paces.
– (1980) – Two degenerates crash a snob party and torment the guests. Gets off to a hideous start, and the resolution is absurd, but some moments in between manage to unnerve. Joyless perversion.
Loony in the Woods
– (2013) – A group of obnoxious degenerates vacate to the woods where they’re harassed by an obnoxious degenerate. Strives for weirdness, but never realizes that trying too hard to look odd quickly implodes. Seventy-nine wasted minutes of non-existent horror and miserable comedy.
Birdemic 2: The Resurrection
– (2013) – Pissed off birds rise from the La Brea Tar Pits and attack the environmentally unsound. As unintentionally unfunny as the original, but this time around has a moment or two of genuine humor. Terrible in countless ways, yet hard to condemn since it’s so unabashedly stupid.
Shivers (aka They Came from Within)
– (1975) – Sex zombies possessed by a parasite aim to make the world a huge orgy because man lost track of himself. A metaphor for the sexual revolution, but told in an overly campy and dull manner. Mostly junk, but not without some sleazy merit.
Shock ‘Em Dead
– (1991) – A waste of life sells his soul to become the world’s biggest rock star, but has to become a band member to get started? Doesn’t make sense, but moves at a steady pace, has Traci Lords, and offers some okay ideas. Equally bad and amusing.
Drive Thru
– (2007) – A guy in a ridiculous clown costume kills teens who have ties to his disfigurement. Okay when straightforward, but pretty bad when dealing with the scattered workings of the killer. Has a distracting soundtrack, and most of the comedy fails, but it’s better than many bad slashers.
The Children (1980)
– (1980) – When a bus passes through a mysterious mist, the kids inside gain the power to burn others. Too much time passes between the more engaging scenes, but what works is often creepy and somewhat surprising. The serious tone helps keep the killer tykes from seeming silly.