Onslaught
– (2026) – Three lab enhanced super soldiers make their way to a trailer park where a former sniper keenly protects her daughter. This might be in the same universe as The Guest, but isn’t close to the same league. The mother/daughter drama feels forced while the action/horror dynamic feels underdeveloped. Some of the violence is okay, but there’s simply not enough of it to counteract the dull drama. Essentially, this is about an eternally pissed off woman who takes on cartoon warriors.
4 Halloween
– (2023) – Anthology of four stories that focus on a masked mutilator, a haggard witch, murderous pizza, the undead, and (making this the fifth premise despite the title) clowns from outer space. There isn’t much to say about this that’s remotely positive, so I’ll start with the good news: it ends. Every moment is repulsive, from the acting to the cheap aesthetic to the total lack of competent storytelling. Trust me, you’ll have more fun stomping out a flaming bag of dog shit.
Boorman and the Devil
– (2025) – Documentary that explores the creation of Exorcist II: The Heretic, one of the worst movies ever concocted by humans with actual talent. A mostly-fascinating recount of how a thought-promising script became a filming nightmare thanks to so many unforeseen circumstances. We often laugh at films that bomb financially, yet the final third illustrates the sadness of those involved as no one intends to create art worth laughing at. Informative and ultimately emotional.
Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma
– (2026) – A queer director is hired to reboot a horror series about a killer who was raised as a boy and a girl. Takes a meta approach to storytelling that tries to keep this from becoming an ordinary slasher, but neither the movie itself, nor the movie-within-the-movie works very well. The results aren’t as thought-provoking nor as emotionally complex as intended since the wussy music is a distraction against conventional angst, the killer’s air vent design is laughably distracting, while the whole point is swallowed up by an uneven narrative tone. Simply put: a mess.
Night Harvest
– (2024) – Two couples on a road trip befall a killer who wears a pumpkin over his head. Oh, and for some reason one the characters can start fires with his mind. An all around waste of bandwidth since the participants say and do nothing of significance, yet act as though every move they make is insightful. Only has a few moments of violence, but there’s plenty of chatter among drab nobodies.
Evil Dead Burn
– (2026) – A young widow visits the family of her deceased husband only to discover their dysfunction has ties to demonic possession. Mainly gets by on violence and some neat camerawork, since there isn’t a single character worth cheering for. This is by far the lesser entry in the series mainly because the participants are just as despicable as humans as they are as deadites. Every moment is so dour and humorless that the weight of the depression gets tiresome fast, which ultimately leads to empty mayhem.
– (2009) – A woman who’s obsessed with the safety of her newborn begins seeing and hearing strange things. Spends too much time investigating a mystery that’s too bland to hold interest. Moves at a crawl and ends with a too-abrupt climax that does nothing to add weight to the dim plot.
– (1991) – A group of friends who meddle with a crystal ball are infected and attacked by evil forces. A zero budget atrocity that only works as a time capsule to an era of big hair. The plot is a mess, most of the acting is stiff, and horror is hard to come by.
– (1963) – An American in Rome witnesses a murder that may have occurred in the past. The strong premise is slowly drained by chatter, though the few actions are commendable. Ends on a preachy note that nearly destroys whatever progressions had been made.
Porkchop II: Rise of the Rind
– (2011) – A kid who’s new to a rural town deals with typical teen problems and a legendary killer in a pig’s mask. Spends more time on singing dorks than anything related to horror. The murders are infrequent, and pretty cheap when served. Fails in every attempt at humor, but at least tries to entertain.
The Breed
– (2006) – A group of friends retreat to an island that’s inhabited by scientifically engineered dogs. Paltry from the opening scene, and pedestrian throughout. A waste of time that’s far more silly than tense.
Drive-In Horrorshow
– (2009) – Anthology of five stories that focus on rape revenge, a closet monster, an ill doctor, a local killer, and stalked campers. Does nothing to reinvent the anthology wheel, but each tale is handled with enough care to build an overall sense of mild enjoyment. Never frightening, but tries.
Shock ‘Em Dead
– (1991) – A waste of life sells his soul to become the world’s biggest rock star, but has to become a band member to get started? Doesn’t make sense, but moves at a steady pace, has Traci Lords, and offers some okay ideas. Equally bad and amusing.
Killer Klowns from Outer Space
– (1988) – After a big top spaceship lands in a small town, alien clowns start to consume humans. Has a unique look, and some outlandish scenes of horror, but it’s too slow overall and the comedy is too immature. Not as much fun as the title and cult following suggest.
Def by Temptation
– (1990) – A barfly/vampire kills men with her teeth, claws, or special powers. Solid characters and commendable acting carry what’s essentially an unoriginal priest vs. faith plot. Features nothing new or exciting, but lacks anything outright detestable.