Once Upon a Time in Amityville
– (2024) – Bounty hunters seek a refuge in a haunted town. It’s hard to fathom how a film that only runs 71-minutes can cause such monumental grief. The main reason this equates torture is largely due to languidness. The diminutive cast does little but meander from one scene to the next while occasionally coming across a cheap effect. There’s simply no life to the proceedings, as though the digital imprint itself is dead.
Funeral
– (2025) – A small group of people gather for a closed casket funeral during a snow storm, then find they can’t escape the parlor. While this does touch on themes of youth, old age, death and commitment to country, there’s never a sense of exactly what’s happening or why. When the end results are rendered? Good luck not groaning with disapproval. Probes the meaning of life, but does so through a haphazard screenplay.
Amityverse: Infinity
– (2026) – Anthology of 10 stories that focus on a suicide, a radio, singing ghosts, a devious shrink, shark-crabs, a shitting spirit, a cult leader, a dentist, a killer director, and hand puppets. While each story is so short we’re quickly put out of our misery, they’re still a trial to sit through. Every segment is cheaper than dirt, and range from mostly bad to impossibly irritating. Might have been fun for those who created this hell, but the rest of us are made to suffer.
Deathwoods
– (2026) – A group of friends vacate to the woods where they’re picked off by a killer when not hounded by local hillbillies. Yet another run-of-the-mill slasher that pits a so-called legendary killer against people with ordinary issues. There’s some blood n’ boobs here n’ there, but not enough to salvage a dull experience that isn’t as provoking as it wants to be.
Amityverse
– (2025) – Anthology of 10 stories that focus on Halloween night, a murderous clown, an evil spoon, a skeletal cop, a mime, a lawn ornament, a toilet, an invisible person, a killer dirtbag, and a hammer. While nothing presented can be considered prime entertainment, each segment moves too fast to leave behind the lingering stench of failure. Every tale breezes through shoddy action and dollar store F/X, and as such forms a harmless yet forgettable dungheap.
Spider Island
– (2026) – Influencers attending a new island resort encounter a murderous breed of arachnid, which the owner finds a minor inconvenience. Takes some digs at the annoyances of online attention whores, but there’s not much actual horror taking place. The spider activity is incredibly sparse, cheap, and ineffective, while the drama can’t handle the bulk of the remaining length.
– (1999) – Soldiers and scientists aim to bring down a possessed man on a motorcycle before he locates an alien artifact. Follows a dull pattern of characters arguing between sporadic action, and never does much to raise concern. Nothing that occurs within speech or combat builds into anything resembling a good time.
– (2011) – A dysfunctional family moves into an infamous house and quickly discovers that it’s still haunted. The irritating and unrealistic characters wear on nerves fast, and none of the action is remotely original. Brings new lows to a bad franchise and the tired “found footage” genre, but at least provides some unintentional laughs.
– (1976) – A man tormented by his abusive mother kills hookers. Hardly historic, as the plot is based on assumptions, but some of the dramatic progressions are involving. Looks good, but has no impact.
The Stitcher
– (2007) – Friends staying at a lake house are picked off by a ragged killer. Tries patience from the word go thanks to lousy acting, an overemphasis on hillbillies, and a lack of memorable moments. Irritating.
Alligator II: The Mutation
– (1991) – A large alligator feeds on a community where a wealthy realtor is trying to sell expensive homes. The characters and all of their actions are bona fide cliches, but there is some amusement in how new this tries to feel. Unapologetically rips off every tired antic of cop dramas and monster movies.
Survive This!
– (2005) – A guy puts together a reality show on an island that’s inhabited by zombie pirates. The editing stinks, the soundtrack is distracting, and the production is dirt cheap. However, the length is short, the pace is fast, and fun is almost had.
Shock ‘Em Dead
– (1991) – A waste of life sells his soul to become the world’s biggest rock star, but has to become a band member to get started? Doesn’t make sense, but moves at a steady pace, has Traci Lords, and offers some okay ideas. Equally bad and amusing.
Hell Fest
– (2018) – A group of friends attend a festival of fabricated frights, only to find someone authentically stalking them. The premise has the makings of a decent slasher, but the output is too irritating and dopey to hold in higher regard. Gets dimmer as it goes and becomes too predictable to offer any true frights.
Rabid Grannies
– (1988) – A family that’s reuniting for a birthday party spend the night running and hiding from their elders who turn into demons. The humor only works every so often, and the horror highlights are minimal. Works best when paying homage to Evil Dead and Demons, but can’t match the impact of either.