Onslaught
– (2026) – Three lab enhanced super soldiers make their way to a trailer park where a former sniper keenly protects her daughter. This might be in the same universe as The Guest, but isn’t close to the same league. The mother/daughter drama feels forced while the action/horror dynamic feels underdeveloped. Some of the violence is okay, but there’s simply not enough of it to counteract the dull drama. Essentially, this is about an eternally pissed off woman who takes on cartoon warriors.
4 Halloween
– (2023) – Anthology of four stories that focus on a masked mutilator, a haggard witch, murderous pizza, the undead, and (making this the fifth premise despite the title) clowns from outer space. There isn’t much to say about this that’s remotely positive, so I’ll start with the good news: it ends. Every moment is repulsive, from the acting to the cheap aesthetic to the total lack of competent storytelling. Trust me, you’ll have more fun stomping out a flaming bag of dog shit.
Boorman and the Devil
– (2025) – Documentary that explores the creation of Exorcist II: The Heretic, one of the worst movies ever concocted by humans with actual talent. A mostly-fascinating recount of how a thought-promising script became a filming nightmare thanks to so many unforeseen circumstances. We often laugh at films that bomb financially, yet the final third illustrates the sadness of those involved as no one intends to create art worth laughing at. Informative and ultimately emotional.
Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma
– (2026) – A queer director is hired to reboot a horror series about a killer who was raised as a boy and a girl. Takes a meta approach to storytelling that tries to keep this from becoming an ordinary slasher, but neither the movie itself, nor the movie-within-the-movie works very well. The results aren’t as thought-provoking nor as emotionally complex as intended since the wussy music is a distraction against conventional angst, the killer’s air vent design is laughably distracting, while the whole point is swallowed up by an uneven narrative tone. Simply put: a mess.
Night Harvest
– (2024) – Two couples on a road trip befall a killer who wears a pumpkin over his head. Oh, and for some reason one the characters can start fires with his mind. An all around waste of bandwidth since the participants say and do nothing of significance, yet act as though every move they make is insightful. Only has a few moments of violence, but there’s plenty of chatter among drab nobodies.
Evil Dead Burn
– (2026) – A young widow visits the family of her deceased husband only to discover their dysfunction has ties to demonic possession. Mainly gets by on violence and some neat camerawork, since there isn’t a single character worth cheering for. This is by far the lesser entry in the series mainly because the participants are just as despicable as humans as they are as deadites. Every moment is so dour and humorless that the weight of the depression gets tiresome fast, which ultimately leads to empty mayhem.
– (1985) – Hookers released from prison relocate to a marina where locals make trouble for them. A time waster with entertainment values that range from bad to worse. Somewhat fun as pure garbage, but too easy to forget.
– (2008) – Infection in a small town causes people to die and instantly return as ragged zombies. Similar to the original only in terms of character names and minor situations, but fails to work as an homage or as an attempt to improve upon the original. Short yet boring slop with awful comic relief.
– (2015) – A girl summons an “imaginary” Krampus to kill anyone she deems bad. Though this is a valiant attempt at a twisting mystery, some events are downright confusing while the pace is glacial. There isn’t much horror, but some of the smut might keep one from shutting this off.
Terror at Blood Fart Lake
– (2009) – A group of friends vacate to a wooded cabin where a masked killer lurks. Amusing early on, but the highly energetic characters and their jokes can’t help but beat themselves to death after a short while. Funny and creative one moment, kind of annoying the next. Still fun, though.
Cruel Jaws
– (1995) – A tiger shark terrorizes a small community while a real estate investor refuses to shut down tourist attractions. Borrows heavily from Jaws, but is more enjoyable than any of its sequels thanks largely to a quick pace and rampant silliness. Goofy fun with plenty of shark mayhem.
Humans vs. Zombies
– (2011) – A group of college students come to terms with each other as well as a zombie outbreak. Has a few mildly fun get-to-know-you character moments, and an above average attempt to freshen a beaten genre. Commonness gets in the way of any festivities, but the lightheartedness does work.
Vault of Horror
– (1973) – Anthology of five stories that focus on vampires, a neat freak, a magical rope, a buried man and a voodoo artist. Each tale is pretty bland, but they often finish unpredictably. Moves fast, but never raises the creep factor above moderate.
The Hole
– (2009) – Two brothers discover an opening in their basement that unleashes various forms of evil. The plot is so standard that the main thing you’ll find yourself invested in is how much this steals from other films. (Poltergeist, Flatliners, The Gate, Stir of Echoes, The Sixth Sense, etc.) The acting ranges from okay to overmuch, while the intelligence level idles low. On the plus side, it moves fast and doesn’t last long.
Father’s Day
– (2011) – A vigilante who once killed the wrong person hunts for the culprit who’s murdering fathers. Tries hard to offend through religion, rape, and self-mutilation, but is too dull to warrant any concern. The gimmick of having been shot in the ’80s simply doesn’t work, as this is clearly drivel of the ’10s.