Once Upon a Time in Amityville
– (2024) – Bounty hunters seek a refuge in a haunted town. It’s hard to fathom how a film that only runs 71-minutes can cause such monumental grief. The main reason this equates torture is largely due to languidness. The diminutive cast does little but meander from one scene to the next while occasionally coming across a cheap effect. There’s simply no life to the proceedings, as though the digital imprint itself is dead.
Funeral
– (2025) – A small group of people gather for a closed casket funeral during a snow storm, then find they can’t escape the parlor. While this does touch on themes of youth, old age, death and commitment to country, there’s never a sense of exactly what’s happening or why. When the end results are rendered? Good luck not groaning with disapproval. Probes the meaning of life, but does so through a haphazard screenplay.
Amityverse: Infinity
– (2026) – Anthology of 10 stories that focus on a suicide, a radio, singing ghosts, a devious shrink, shark-crabs, a shitting spirit, a cult leader, a dentist, a killer director, and hand puppets. While each story is so short we’re quickly put out of our misery, they’re still a trial to sit through. Every segment is cheaper than dirt, and range from mostly bad to impossibly irritating. Might have been fun for those who created this hell, but the rest of us are made to suffer.
Deathwoods
– (2026) – A group of friends vacate to the woods where they’re picked off by a killer when not hounded by local hillbillies. Yet another run-of-the-mill slasher that pits a so-called legendary killer against people with ordinary issues. There’s some blood n’ boobs here n’ there, but not enough to salvage a dull experience that isn’t as provoking as it wants to be.
Amityverse
– (2025) – Anthology of 10 stories that focus on Halloween night, a murderous clown, an evil spoon, a skeletal cop, a mime, a lawn ornament, a toilet, an invisible person, a killer dirtbag, and a hammer. While nothing presented can be considered prime entertainment, each segment moves too fast to leave behind the lingering stench of failure. Every tale breezes through shoddy action and dollar store F/X, and as such forms a harmless yet forgettable dungheap.
Spider Island
– (2026) – Influencers attending a new island resort encounter a murderous breed of arachnid, which the owner finds a minor inconvenience. Takes some digs at the annoyances of online attention whores, but there’s not much actual horror taking place. The spider activity is incredibly sparse, cheap, and ineffective, while the drama can’t handle the bulk of the remaining length.
– (1990) – A vampire with close relations to his own reflection woos a girl he lost decades ago. A horror/comedy with musical inclusions that’s packed with unfunny jokes and stale original songs. Highly ambitious, but too often fails to entertain.
– (1985) – Two reporters are sent to Transylvania to investigate the return of Frankenstein. Attempts a variety of humor, but every gag and line of dialog falls flat without provoking so much as a chuckle. Plot free, pointless, and tragically unfunny. Beware.
– (1964) – A vampire travels to a small town to find a heart for the woman he loves. Has the distinction of using different color tints for certain scenes, but none of that adds anything of value. The film itself has a goofy idea and silly horror inclusions, but it’s awfully slow and dull.
SexSquatch
– (2013) – A group of friends decide to party in the realm of a raping, murdering yeti. Purposefully cheap and cheesy, and never pretends it’ll end up in the annals of credible filmmaking. Provides plenty of fun with some truly funny lines and sight gags. Not for everyone, but only runs 58-minutes.
Cujo
– (1983) – A cheating spouse and her young son become trapped in a car by a rabid St. Bernard. Features decent characters and horror, but lacks a clear blend of each. A lot of drama and evil have been cut from the book, but the overall scenario still packs a brutal punch.
The Dead
– (2010) – Zombies are on the rise in Africa, pitting an American engineer against their masses. Does an okay job establishing a feeling of dread, as living corpses are everywhere, but has major struggles with pace and excitement. More a Fulci movie on barbiturates than a positive modern achievement.
Witchcraft III: The Kiss of Death
– (1991) – A lawyer gets mixed up in dark magic and darker lust. There aren’t many scenes of sex and violence, but the idiotic drama does move relatively fast. Goofily amusing.
Killjoy 3
– (2010) – College friends are terrorized by a soul sucking clown both inside and outside his realm. Never entirely good, but does provide a few moments of gore and humor. The short length is certainly a big help.
Buttcrack
– (1998) – An irritating roommate is accidentally killed, and returns to continue ruining human lives. Moderately funny when dealing with the namesake’s annoyances, but that’s pretty much all this offers. The comedy wears thin, the horror is lousy, and anything resembling a point is non-existent.