Onslaught
– (2026) – Three lab enhanced super soldiers make their way to a trailer park where a former sniper keenly protects her daughter. This might be in the same universe as The Guest, but isn’t close to the same league. The mother/daughter drama feels forced while the action/horror dynamic feels underdeveloped. Some of the violence is okay, but there’s simply not enough of it to counteract the dull drama. Essentially, this is about an eternally pissed off woman who takes on cartoon warriors.
4 Halloween
– (2023) – Anthology of four stories that focus on a masked mutilator, a haggard witch, murderous pizza, the undead, and (making this the fifth premise despite the title) clowns from outer space. There isn’t much to say about this that’s remotely positive, so I’ll start with the good news: it ends. Every moment is repulsive, from the acting to the cheap aesthetic to the total lack of competent storytelling. Trust me, you’ll have more fun stomping out a flaming bag of dog shit.
Boorman and the Devil
– (2025) – Documentary that explores the creation of Exorcist II: The Heretic, one of the worst movies ever concocted by humans with actual talent. A mostly-fascinating recount of how a thought-promising script became a filming nightmare thanks to so many unforeseen circumstances. We often laugh at films that bomb financially, yet the final third illustrates the sadness of those involved as no one intends to create art worth laughing at. Informative and ultimately emotional.
Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma
– (2026) – A queer director is hired to reboot a horror series about a killer who was raised as a boy and a girl. Takes a meta approach to storytelling that tries to keep this from becoming an ordinary slasher, but neither the movie itself, nor the movie-within-the-movie works very well. The results aren’t as thought-provoking nor as emotionally complex as intended since the wussy music is a distraction against conventional angst, the killer’s air vent design is laughably distracting, while the whole point is swallowed up by an uneven narrative tone. Simply put: a mess.
Night Harvest
– (2024) – Two couples on a road trip befall a killer who wears a pumpkin over his head. Oh, and for some reason one the characters can start fires with his mind. An all around waste of bandwidth since the participants say and do nothing of significance, yet act as though every move they make is insightful. Only has a few moments of violence, but there’s plenty of chatter among drab nobodies.
Evil Dead Burn
– (2026) – A young widow visits the family of her deceased husband only to discover their dysfunction has ties to demonic possession. Mainly gets by on violence and some neat camerawork, since there isn’t a single character worth cheering for. This is by far the lesser entry in the series mainly because the participants are just as despicable as humans as they are as deadites. Every moment is so dour and humorless that the weight of the depression gets tiresome fast, which ultimately leads to empty mayhem.
– (2001) – A lost woman picks up a hitchhiker who tells her a couple of lousy zombie stories. Means well, but is basically backyard drivel with a few sprinkles of gore. Almost a complete waste, but (somehow) there are worse.
– (1986) – Documentary that explores “true” ghost stories on horror movie sets and around Hollywood. Makes more of a case for skeptics as nothing about ghosts comes relatively close to proven. Feels like a load of B.S.
– (1990) – Wizards and warriors team up with a scholar to battle hoards of monstrous enemies. A bit too manic and unfocused, but has enough moments of horrific insanity that boredom is never an issue. The style and design easily win out over the plot, if one can even be found amid the mayhem.
Hellweek
– (2010) – Hillbillies in a warehouse kill college kids who tread on their grounds. Despicable characters, on both sides of good and bad, sink this turd before the lame story gets a chance to. Overlong garbage that bores and annoys.
Coons!
– (2005) – Raccoons attack various forms of morons at a campground. Unbelievably stupid, but purposefully so and often a riot at that. Dirt cheap, but always amuses with high and low levels of comedy.
Tombs of the Blind Dead
– (1971) – Knights with no eyes rise from the dead when the living enter their territory. Starts promising with strong character interactions and some of the creepiest villains in horror. The story stalls around the half hour mark when things get ridiculous, but a tense finale saves the day.
Massage Parlor of Death
– (2015) – A masseuse kills her patrons in the name of voodoo and resurrection. A 61-minute mess that barely has a story and is highlighted by some of the worst gore (spaghetti sauce) ever filmed. There are some amusements throughout, and every actor seems in on the joke, but it’s hard to consider this an actual movie.
Terrifier 3
– (2024) – Art the Clown is out and about killing people at Christmastime. That’s pretty much it. There’s something of a story involving the previous film’s survivor living with an overly cutesy family, but they only serve to bore us until the kills arrive. Granted, the gore F/X are nifty, but by now have become repetitive, even though they account for maybe 20% of the elongated length. Brutal at times, but tries patience.
Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead
– (2006) – A fast food chicken restaurant that’s built over an ancient Indian burial ground serves meals that turn patrons into chicken zombies. A horror/musical with some truly funny moments, a boat load of gore, and tons of social commentary. The musical aspect all but disappears toward the third act, but this is still sick fun overall.