Don’t Move (2026)
– (2026) – Something is picking off patrons of a wooded religious retreat, prompting strangers to band together in the name of survival. A mostly lame experience that begins with perhaps the cheesiest family ever committed to film, yet the characterizations only worsen thereafter. There isn’t a single person who’s realistically relatable, so when the horror finally kicks in we accept reprieve in their deaths. Far more irritating that intimidating.
Hallowarrior
– (2026) – The supposed last girl on Earth spends Halloween alone (naturally) until she’s visited upon by three other survivors and multiple human monsters. A post-apocalyptic dud that only identifies a few characters, yet can’t do anything significant with any of them. The entirety takes place in one location, so there’s no chance new sets will distract anyone from the monotony. Worse still, the lead is referred to as “Pumpkin” so many times that one might actually want to smash her against pavement.
Buddy
– (2026) – When the mascot of a children’s show starts killing its co-stars, the survivors flee to a protected realm. Meanwhile, in the real world, a woman who believes she forgot about having one of her children is sucked into the show. In other words: huh? The first act is by far the highlight as the morbidity is both disturbing and humorous, but this runs out of gas shortly thereafter. Though some sadism remains, repetition creeps in and drags down the initial enjoyment.
V/H/S/Mixtape
– (2026) – Anthology of four stories that focus on singing puppets, a couple trapped in a cube, a mysterious musician, and a killer recording her murders. If the sole intention of each story was to create a massive headache, then congrats filmmakers, you succeeded admirably since each segment is magnanimously earsplitting. Some of the practical F/X are fine, but they don’t come close to saving the weak stories, the irritating acting, and the utterly meaningless interludes.
Mark of the Witch
– (1970) – A woman who was hung as a witch returns 300 years later in the body of a college student. That’s pretty much all this is about, aside from two guys who try (and fail) to set things straight with the spiritual happenings. It’s goofy enough to skirt by on camp, but nothing that occurs ever raises a pulse.
Onslaught
– (2026) – Three lab enhanced super soldiers make their way to a trailer park where a former sniper keenly protects her daughter. This might be in the same universe as The Guest, but isn’t close to the same league. The mother/daughter drama feels forced while the action/horror dynamic feels underdeveloped. Some of the violence is okay, but there’s simply not enough of it to counteract the dull drama. Essentially, this is about an eternally pissed off woman who takes on cartoon warriors.
– (1991) – Camping college students fall prey to druids. After a perfectly gratuitous intro, this slowly slumps into a dry and meaningless story of survival. Moves fast, but can’t end soon enough as every passing second reeks.
– (1988) – A doctor who’s working on resurrection is happened upon by three women who could potentially fulfill his experiment’s needs. Since the bulk of this relies on slow drama, the bulk of this sucks. Dumb, but certainly not fun.
– (1996) – An executed serial killer returns as sand to continue his spree. The villain’s gimmick isn’t bad, although his back story is pretty tacky. There’s not a lot of horror, and most of the acting stinks, but the overall developments aren’t too bad.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
– (2006) – Four friends fall victim to a deranged family that refuses to leave a deserting town. Does nothing to explore the psychology of Leatherface, but does give insight into how wacky a family can become to ward off starvation. The violence is ferocious, and easy to embrace since the victims are so stereotypical.
Jaws 2
– (1978) – A killer shark invades an ocean, but only Chief Brody learned anything from the previous encounter. It’s clear from the start that this has nothing new to offer, as the plot is already redundant. Sprinkles in some suspense, but too many inactive water scenes only advance the flatness.
Deadly Friend
– (1986) – A boy combines his dead robot with his dead girlfriend and creates a good looking monster. Stupid beyond belief, but has a relatively big heart when dealing with the characters and their family plights. Moves fast and has a ridiculously awesome basketball kill.
The Devil’s Hand
– (1962) – In order to get laid by a witch, some guys enters a voodoo cult. Has one good idea involving dolls, but the rest is standard hoodoo nonsense. Only 71-minutes, but shoves patience to the brink.
Dead Clowns
– (2004) – Drowned clowns rise during a storm to seek revenge on town locals. The story and atmosphere shoot for a vibe ala The Fog, but completely miss the mark. A couple of creepy moments arise, but they’re all rendered meaningless by shoddy characters and slow pacing. A quiet, gory bore.
Hellblock 13
– (2000) – Anthology of three stories that focus on drowned children, an abused housewife and a biker ritual. Each story is pretty lame, and the last one takes all year, but there’s enough horror and stupidity to make an okay time of them all.