Don’t Move (2026)
– (2026) – Something is picking off patrons of a wooded religious retreat, prompting strangers to band together in the name of survival. A mostly lame experience that begins with perhaps the cheesiest family ever committed to film, yet the characterizations only worsen thereafter. There isn’t a single person who’s realistically relatable, so when the horror finally kicks in we accept reprieve in their deaths. Far more irritating that intimidating.
Hallowarrior
– (2026) – The supposed last girl on Earth spends Halloween alone (naturally) until she’s visited upon by three other survivors and multiple human monsters. A post-apocalyptic dud that only identifies a few characters, yet can’t do anything significant with any of them. The entirety takes place in one location, so there’s no chance new sets will distract anyone from the monotony. Worse still, the lead is referred to as “Pumpkin” so many times that one might actually want to smash her against pavement.
Buddy
– (2026) – When the mascot of a children’s show starts killing its co-stars, the survivors flee to a protected realm. Meanwhile, in the real world, a woman who believes she forgot about having one of her children is sucked into the show. In other words: huh? The first act is by far the highlight as the morbidity is both disturbing and humorous, but this runs out of gas shortly thereafter. Though some sadism remains, repetition creeps in and drags down the initial enjoyment.
V/H/S/Mixtape
– (2026) – Anthology of four stories that focus on singing puppets, a couple trapped in a cube, a mysterious musician, and a killer recording her murders. If the sole intention of each story was to create a massive headache, then congrats filmmakers, you succeeded admirably since each segment is magnanimously earsplitting. Some of the practical F/X are fine, but they don’t come close to saving the weak stories, the irritating acting, and the utterly meaningless interludes.
Mark of the Witch
– (1970) – A woman who was hung as a witch returns 300 years later in the body of a college student. That’s pretty much all this is about, aside from two guys who try (and fail) to set things straight with the spiritual happenings. It’s goofy enough to skirt by on camp, but nothing that occurs ever raises a pulse.
Onslaught
– (2026) – Three lab enhanced super soldiers make their way to a trailer park where a former sniper keenly protects her daughter. This might be in the same universe as The Guest, but isn’t close to the same league. The mother/daughter drama feels forced while the action/horror dynamic feels underdeveloped. Some of the violence is okay, but there’s simply not enough of it to counteract the dull drama. Essentially, this is about an eternally pissed off woman who takes on cartoon warriors.
– (2016) – A young woman travels to a specific vacation spot to surf and recollect, and becomes stranded on a reef by sharks. Yet another water feature that might pretend it’s on par with Jaws, but has no such credibility as it’s more akin to the atrocious Open Water. A drab showcase of a prolonged victim who suddenly rises against an improbable occasion.
– (1990) – A probation officer violently seeks a cure for whatever turned him into a beast. Thanks to slapdash editing and actors who stumble over their own words, it’s almost impossible to tell what’s going on. With more monster activity this could have gone down as one of the best/worst movies, but with so much human drama it doesn’t provide enough unintentional humor to fully entertain.
– (1998) – A high school senior forces a former Nazi to tell him details about the holocaust. A bit too long, but moves steadily and most often involves. Not typical move fare, as the cast is so small, but does skirt by on a minimal plot. The book is ten times more evil.
SexSquatch
– (2013) – A group of friends decide to party in the realm of a raping, murdering yeti. Purposefully cheap and cheesy, and never pretends it’ll end up in the annals of credible filmmaking. Provides plenty of fun with some truly funny lines and sight gags. Not for everyone, but only runs 58-minutes.
Coons!
– (2005) – Raccoons attack various forms of morons at a campground. Unbelievably stupid, but purposefully so and often a riot at that. Dirt cheap, but always amuses with high and low levels of comedy.
Beyond Re-Animator
– (2003) – Herbert West, locked up for the past 13 years, reintroduces his death serum to a prison run by an evil warden. Gets off to a great, bloody start, and continues growing until about the mid-point when new ideas start to taper off. Sometimes effective, but often slow and skittish.
Massage Parlor of Death
– (2015) – A masseuse kills her patrons in the name of voodoo and resurrection. A 61-minute mess that barely has a story and is highlighted by some of the worst gore (spaghetti sauce) ever filmed. There are some amusements throughout, and every actor seems in on the joke, but it’s hard to consider this an actual movie.
The Fun Park
– (2007) – Teens in an abandoned amusement park are captured and tortured by a notorious clown. Rips off a few sub genres, but does nothing noteworthy of either. A quiet bore with an unrelenting amount of quick zooms.
Blood Sisters of Lesbian Sin
– (1997) – A small group of evil women battle men in their attempts to take over the world. The title suggests gore and sleaze, but there’s not much of either. This is mainly a bad action movie with lame highlights.