Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma
– (2026) – A queer director is hired to reboot a horror series about a killer who was raised as a boy and a girl. Takes a meta approach to storytelling that tries to keep this from becoming an ordinary slasher, but neither the movie itself, nor the movie-within-the-movie works very well. The results aren’t as thought-provoking nor as emotionally complex as intended since the wussy music is a distraction against conventional angst, the killer’s air vent design is laughably distracting, while the whole point is swallowed up by an uneven narrative tone. Simply put: a mess.
Night Harvest
– (2024) – Two couples on a road trip befall a killer who wears a pumpkin over his head. Oh, and for some reason one the characters can start fires with his mind. An all around waste of bandwidth since the participants say and do nothing of significance, yet act as though every move they make is insightful. Only has a few moments of violence, but there’s plenty of chatter among drab nobodies.
Evil Dead Burn
– (2026) – A young widow visits the family of her deceased husband only to discover their dysfunction has ties to demonic possession. Mainly gets by on violence and some neat camerawork, since there isn’t a single character worth cheering for. This is by far the lesser entry in the series mainly because the participants are just as despicable as humans as they are as deadites. Every moment is so dour and humorless that the weight of the depression gets tiresome fast, which ultimately leads to empty mayhem.
Ice Cream Man (2026)
– (2026) – Kids who eat ice cream from the same vendor become possessed killers who slaughter every adult that nears them. A giddy show of violence that spills blood, intestines and puke all over the screen. It’s fun as such, and the teen/pre-teen actors aren’t bad, but the backstory, and only point of drama, is pretty lackluster. In all this is a goofy good time that’s short and moves fast.
The Last Amityville Movie
– (2023) – A man who receives a doorknob from a haunted house starts experiencing minor haunts. Acknowledges the vast amount of Amityville movies before becoming one, but the premise isn’t as clever as intended since it never provides finality as to why these movies exist nor why they absolutely should end. It’s just another cruddy Amityville movie with a misleading title.
Once Upon a Time in Amityville
– (2024) – Bounty hunters seek a refuge in a haunted town. It’s hard to fathom how a film that only runs 71-minutes can cause such monumental grief. The main reason this equates torture is largely due to languidness. The diminutive cast does little but meander from one scene to the next while occasionally coming across a cheap effect. There’s simply no life to the proceedings, as though the digital imprint itself is dead.
– (2024) – A few homeless people aim to stop a corporation from killing off bums with an experimental drink. While the practical F/X are nice and disgusting, they all involve characters who never amount to much, whether on the side of good or evil. There’s an awful lot of screaming throughout, leading to an obnoxious experience that all the goo in the world can’t save.
– (1981) – Siblings condemned to age quickly feast on the young to hang onto their youths. Unwisely shoots through the story without elaborating on anyone or anything. What’s left is a rushed mess with no emotion or point.
– (1970) – A dull pud investigates the town of his great grandfather’s hanging amid dreams of cult activity. The plot is bland, the actors sleepwalk, and there are virtually no redeeming factors in the horror or drama. As boring as a movie can get.
Close Encounters of the Inbred Redneck Kind
– (2012) – A mullet from a redneck planet turns regular people into white trash. There isn’t much horror involved, which isn’t as bad as the notion that there isn’t much comedy either. A dull and unintriguing low-low-low-budget venture.
Lake Placid 2
– (2007) – Crocodiles in Maine attack just about anything that breathes. The polar opposite of the original in regards to croc quantity and body count. Provides much more horror, but at the expense of terrible filmmaking.
Zombie High
– (1987) – A girl attends a mostly-male private school where the students are turned into brainwashed zombies. Has involving mystery moments, but few characters have enough personality to create interest. Dry and dopey, but never a chore.
Cryptz
– (2002) – Three friends are forced into a strip club housed by vampires. Does the best it can with a dirt cheap budget, though the standard plot only leads to an okay-at-best time. Gets by on likable characters and a few horror moments worth noting.
Secrets of the Clown
– (2007) – A group of friends fall victim to unexplained powers ensuing someone’s death. Has something to do with a soul trapped in a clown doll, but there’s so much slop going on in between it’s hard to tell what the overall purpose is. A badly conceived and horribly acted mess.
Blades
– (1989) – A lawnmower attacks golf course personnel during a tournament. Most amusing when spoofing Jaws, but does nothing original on its own. One the dullest lead actors in horror helps this go nowhere.