Onslaught
– (2026) – Three lab enhanced super soldiers make their way to a trailer park where a former sniper keenly protects her daughter. This might be in the same universe as The Guest, but isn’t close to the same league. The mother/daughter drama feels forced while the action/horror dynamic feels underdeveloped. Some of the violence is okay, but there’s simply not enough of it to counteract the dull drama. Essentially, this is about an eternally pissed off woman who takes on cartoon warriors.
4 Halloween
– (2023) – Anthology of four stories that focus on a masked mutilator, a haggard witch, murderous pizza, the undead, and (making this the fifth premise despite the title) clowns from outer space. There isn’t much to say about this that’s remotely positive, so I’ll start with the good news: it ends. Every moment is repulsive, from the acting to the cheap aesthetic to the total lack of competent storytelling. Trust me, you’ll have more fun stomping out a flaming bag of dog shit.
Boorman and the Devil
– (2025) – Documentary that explores the creation of Exorcist II: The Heretic, one of the worst movies ever concocted by humans with actual talent. A mostly-fascinating recount of how a thought-promising script became a filming nightmare thanks to so many unforeseen circumstances. We often laugh at films that bomb financially, yet the final third illustrates the sadness of those involved as no one intends to create art worth laughing at. Informative and ultimately emotional.
Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma
– (2026) – A queer director is hired to reboot a horror series about a killer who was raised as a boy and a girl. Takes a meta approach to storytelling that tries to keep this from becoming an ordinary slasher, but neither the movie itself, nor the movie-within-the-movie works very well. The results aren’t as thought-provoking nor as emotionally complex as intended since the wussy music is a distraction against conventional angst, the killer’s air vent design is laughably distracting, while the whole point is swallowed up by an uneven narrative tone. Simply put: a mess.
Night Harvest
– (2024) – Two couples on a road trip befall a killer who wears a pumpkin over his head. Oh, and for some reason one the characters can start fires with his mind. An all around waste of bandwidth since the participants say and do nothing of significance, yet act as though every move they make is insightful. Only has a few moments of violence, but there’s plenty of chatter among drab nobodies.
Evil Dead Burn
– (2026) – A young widow visits the family of her deceased husband only to discover their dysfunction has ties to demonic possession. Mainly gets by on violence and some neat camerawork, since there isn’t a single character worth cheering for. This is by far the lesser entry in the series mainly because the participants are just as despicable as humans as they are as deadites. Every moment is so dour and humorless that the weight of the depression gets tiresome fast, which ultimately leads to empty mayhem.
– (2021) – Varying forms of human-like puppets and strange creatures co-exist in a dark underworld of filth and experimentation. Figuring out what’s actually happening is next to impossible since the “plot” is fueled by camera movement over dialog. The look is certainly unique, as the stop-motion visuals are impressive, but finding a point? Good luck.
– (2018) – A troubled young woman who wants men as toys for Christmas gets her wish with dire results. The first two acts are rather intriguing, as the mystery is unique and the lead actress beyond commendable. The final act hits the skids, however, and becomes an amateurish bore with dim advancements. Close to good, but eventually drops the ball.
– (1957) – A man who vowed revenge upon death returns as a tree to do as much. None of the characters nor their predicaments mean anything, and the monster mayhem is standard ’50s nonsense. Skirts by on the ridiculous look of the creature, as everything else is easy to ignore.
Big Driver
– (2014) – An author on a reading tour is raped by a hillbilly and unravels while attempting her next vengeful step. Lacks conviction right out of the gate thanks to phony characters and advancements that try too hard to shock. Wants to entertain through psychological means, but everything’s been seen before.
Crackcoon
– (2024) – A raccoon goes ballistic after eating rancid crack. There’s not much to discuss regarding a narrative story, as the sole purpose is for the critter to kill as many pathetic characters as possible. As a sleazy bloodbath this is pretty decent, but you’ll want to plug your ears whenever someone speaks.
Deathstalker III: The Warriors from Hell
– (1988) – A warrior and a princess set out to claim one of two stones before an evil ruler gathers both. Has a few eye opening moments of the lamest varieties, but most other progressions are mundane. Doesn’t last long and moves relatively fast, although the only highlights are ones the creators shouldn’t be proud of.
Shock ‘Em Dead
– (1991) – A waste of life sells his soul to become the world’s biggest rock star, but has to become a band member to get started? Doesn’t make sense, but moves at a steady pace, has Traci Lords, and offers some okay ideas. Equally bad and amusing.
Killjoy
– (2000) – A sinister clown exacts revenge against the thugs who murdered an outcast. A few moments of characters drama aren’t too bad, but every means to create tension is too typical. Corny enough to easily pass time.
Loony in the Woods
– (2013) – A group of obnoxious degenerates vacate to the woods where they’re harassed by an obnoxious degenerate. Strives for weirdness, but never realizes that trying too hard to look odd quickly implodes. Seventy-nine wasted minutes of non-existent horror and miserable comedy.