Pinocchio Unstrung
– (2026) – An orphaned kid is introduced to a boy made of wood who hopes to become human by ingesting human flesh. A remarkably dull jaunt that asks us to either care about children we barely know over a goddamn puppet. As horror this is okay since there is a lot of bloody violence, but as a narrative drama this lacks everything that could possibly create a single emotional experience. Kudos to the practical FX, but the script is garbage.
Dream Scenario
– (2023) – Many people in a small community are dreaming about the same mild-mannered professor, which is a quirk for all until their dreams become violent. Begins as a curious comedy that darkens as it goes while consistently building sympathy for the hapless protagonist. Has some issues with pacing and tone, and the conclusion isn’t fully embraceable, but this is often humorous, sad, and surprising in all the right ways.
Popeye IV: Resurrection
– (2026) – The survivor of a mutant killer becomes entangled with a cult that revives said killer. Most of this is a contrived drama about helping others as a means of persevering, but try not to lose track of how many times you yawn through the dull progressions. Gets slightly better when violence finally arrives, but only because there are less derivative characters to put up with. The worst entry in a series of absolute wretch.
Popeye III: Requiem
– (2026) – A drug enhanced super sailor escapes from a science facility and lays waste to anyone in his way. Barely has a plot, as this only serves to exploit a well-known IP by attempting to add comical violence to what was once considered family friendly harm. Well, I’m not laughing. I’m not cringing, either, as all of the carnage is repetitive, poorly staged, and created with feeble FX. An unoriginal waste of time and resources.
Popeye Returns
– (2026) – A sailor with mutant strength takes out his militaristic problems on the small world around him. Looking for a plot? Grab a telescope and twist the lens for miles. You won’t find one. Luckily this is short, because the scarce violence and bland characters do nothing to hold concentration. A weary void that manages to end with one credible threat: “to be continued.”
Party Night
– (2017) – Three couples decide to party at an abandoned house after the prom, but find themselves stalked by a killer. While there’s absolutely nothing new to this, the female acting isn’t bad and the script delivers some realistic lines. Sadly, the gore scenes are all but ruined by blood that has too much of an orange tint, as though vodka sauce runs through everyone’s veins. Generic, but more enjoyable than many other no-budget slashers.
– (1998) – An irritating roommate is accidentally killed, and returns to continue ruining human lives. Moderately funny when dealing with the namesake’s annoyances, but that’s pretty much all this offers. The comedy wears thin, the horror is lousy, and anything resembling a point is non-existent.
– (2005) – Three friends travel to the site of an old meteor crash where they’re abducted by an Aussie. Does nothing new to set up story and characters, and moves at a painfully slow rate. Manages some uneasiness in the horror scenes, but everything in between is worthless.
– (1973) – A woman searches for her father in a realm of incredibly slow zombies. A few atmospheric shots work, but most of this leans toward the drab and pointless side. Seems to know how empty the story is as narration fills in one too many explanations.
You Can’t Kill Stephen King
– (2012) – A group of friends drive to Maine to see Stephen King’s house, and are picked off by someone who requires silence. Moves fast and has a lot going on, but nothing unique ever occurs despite the clever title. Somewhat fun, but has too many moments worth groaning over, especially the ones dealing with racial stereotypes.
Attack of the Sabretooth
– (2005) – Tourists and business investors fall victim to genetically engineered meat eaters. Some character interactions aren’t terrible, but that’s the most this crap offers. Everyone involved drifts from place to place, while others remain stagnant, as scenes of action/horror lie in wait. The F/X are appalling, and rarely in a humorous way.
World War Z
– (2013) – A United Nations employee embarks on a journey to discover why scores of humans are running after and biting other humans. A low-grade horror story with an A-list actor and a massive budget. Does nothing new, from movie or video game perspectives, and does it all on an overblown scale.
White Zombie
– (1932) – A couple travels to Haiti to become married, but an owner of undead slaves wants the woman for himself. Aside from expectedly lame dialog and unfortunate racism, this is a pretty creepy story that’s far ahead of its time. Dark, moody, and mostly effective.
The Night Watchmen
– (2017) – Security guards and office personnel take on a slew of hyper-aggressive vampires and clowns. Moves fast and has a lot of energy, but the characters are flat and the humor not all that funny. Becomes repetitive in a hurry and, despite a short length, drags toward the end.
Loony in the Woods
– (2013) – A group of obnoxious degenerates vacate to the woods where they’re harassed by an obnoxious degenerate. Strives for weirdness, but never realizes that trying too hard to look odd quickly implodes. Seventy-nine wasted minutes of non-existent horror and miserable comedy.