Hallowarrior
– (2026) – The supposed last girl on Earth spends Halloween alone (naturally) until she’s visited upon by three other survivors and multiple human monsters. A post-apocalyptic dud that only identifies a few characters, yet can’t do anything significant with any of them. The entirety takes place in one location, so there’s no chance new sets will distract anyone from the monotony. Worse still, the lead is referred to as “Pumpkin” so many times that one might actually want to smash her against pavement.
Buddy
– (2026) – When the mascot of a children’s show starts killing its co-stars, the survivors flee to a protected realm. Meanwhile, in the real world, a woman who believes she forgot about having one of her children is sucked into the show. In other words: huh? The first act is by far the highlight as the morbidity is both disturbing and humorous, but this runs out of gas shortly thereafter. Though some sadism remains, repetition creeps in and drags down the initial enjoyment.
V/H/S/Mixtape
– (2026) – Anthology of four stories that focus on singing puppets, a couple trapped in a cube, a mysterious musician, and a killer recording her murders. If the sole intention of each story was to create a massive headache, then congrats filmmakers, you succeeded admirably since each segment is magnanimously earsplitting. Some of the practical F/X are fine, but they don’t come close to saving the weak stories, the irritating acting, and the utterly meaningless interludes.
Mark of the Witch
– (1970) – A woman who was hung as a witch returns 300 years later in the body of a college student. That’s pretty much all this is about, aside from two guys who try (and fail) to set things straight with the spiritual happenings. It’s goofy enough to skirt by on camp, but nothing that occurs ever raises a pulse.
Onslaught
– (2026) – Three lab enhanced super soldiers make their way to a trailer park where a former sniper keenly protects her daughter. This might be in the same universe as The Guest, but isn’t close to the same league. The mother/daughter drama feels forced while the action/horror dynamic feels underdeveloped. Some of the violence is okay, but there’s simply not enough of it to counteract the dull drama. Essentially, this is about an eternally pissed off woman who takes on cartoon warriors.
4 Halloween
– (2023) – Anthology of four stories that focus on a masked mutilator, a haggard witch, murderous pizza, the undead, and (making this the fifth premise despite the title) clowns from outer space. There isn’t much to say about this that’s remotely positive, so I’ll start with the good news: it ends. Every moment is repulsive, from the acting to the cheap aesthetic to the total lack of competent storytelling. Trust me, you’ll have more fun stomping out a flaming bag of dog shit.
– (2007) – A teen searching for his biological mother encounters murderous hillbillies. Tends to spill blood on occasion, but finding a way to care for anyone who’s bleeding isn’t easy. The budget, talent, and purposes all add up to zilch.
– (1990) – A cop tracks the spirit of a killer that jumps from body to body. Full of cliches and often ridiculous, but the story does manage to involve throughout. Almost good, but feels cheap despite attempts to become bigger and better.
– (1987) – A video store owner seeks out the customer who’s been dropping off snuff films. A slow but involving mystery that destroys most shot-on-video films of the era. Heavy with ’80s atmosphere and mostly fulfilling.
The Howling: New Moon Rising
– (1995) – A werewolf mistaken for a mountain lion occasionally kills someone in the hillbilly capital of America. Hard to say which is worse, that such a simple plot is over explained, that the highlights are clips from previous entries, or that an actual werewolf doesn’t appear until the final 30-seconds. Shockingly bad in all avenues (even without the line dancing).
3-Headed Shark Attack
– (2015) – A group of people go head to head to head against a tri-noggin shark. Has all the makings of a bad-on-purpose movie, but is too drop dead dull to elicit any fun. Has amusing spots, but pretty much stinks overall.
Zombie Cop
– (1991) – A dead cop takes on the voodoo priest who cursed him back to life. Too many scenes drag, and the dirt-cheap production gets in the way of ambition, but there are some good ideas on display and a mostly-fun tone. By far one of the better shot-on-video films of the era, but still suffers from too many imperfections.
Angel Heart
– (1987) – A private detective leaves behind a trail of dead bodies on his way from a Poughkeepsie asylum to the voodoo depths of Louisiana. Engrossing from the start and steadily paced throughout, with great highlights in atmosphere and acting. The climax, however, borders on silly.
Slasher House
– (2012) – A woman awakens in a guard-free prison where serial killers compete to kill her. The concept isn’t bad, but everything that brings it to life is staggeringly self-absorbed. Riddled with pretentiousness from the dialog straight through to the overmuch mannerisms of the actors. Putrid.
Flesh Eaters from Outer Space
– (1989) – A woman has visions of an alien rampage while the government aims to control the situation. An unattractive and flimsy production that covers too-familiar ground, but is rich in 80’s atmosphere. Dumb as a stick, but often bloody and somewhat fun.