Don’t Move (2026)
– (2026) – Something is picking off patrons of a wooded religious retreat, prompting strangers to band together in the name of survival. A mostly lame experience that begins with perhaps the cheesiest family ever committed to film, yet the characterizations only worsen thereafter. There isn’t a single person who’s realistically relatable, so when the horror finally kicks in we accept reprieve in their deaths. Far more irritating that intimidating.
Hallowarrior
– (2026) – The supposed last girl on Earth spends Halloween alone (naturally) until she’s visited upon by three other survivors and multiple human monsters. A post-apocalyptic dud that only identifies a few characters, yet can’t do anything significant with any of them. The entirety takes place in one location, so there’s no chance new sets will distract anyone from the monotony. Worse still, the lead is referred to as “Pumpkin” so many times that one might actually want to smash her against pavement.
Buddy
– (2026) – When the mascot of a children’s show starts killing its co-stars, the survivors flee to a protected realm. Meanwhile, in the real world, a woman who believes she forgot about having one of her children is sucked into the show. In other words: huh? The first act is by far the highlight as the morbidity is both disturbing and humorous, but this runs out of gas shortly thereafter. Though some sadism remains, repetition creeps in and drags down the initial enjoyment.
V/H/S/Mixtape
– (2026) – Anthology of four stories that focus on singing puppets, a couple trapped in a cube, a mysterious musician, and a killer recording her murders. If the sole intention of each story was to create a massive headache, then congrats filmmakers, you succeeded admirably since each segment is magnanimously earsplitting. Some of the practical F/X are fine, but they don’t come close to saving the weak stories, the irritating acting, and the utterly meaningless interludes.
Mark of the Witch
– (1970) – A woman who was hung as a witch returns 300 years later in the body of a college student. That’s pretty much all this is about, aside from two guys who try (and fail) to set things straight with the spiritual happenings. It’s goofy enough to skirt by on camp, but nothing that occurs ever raises a pulse.
Onslaught
– (2026) – Three lab enhanced super soldiers make their way to a trailer park where a former sniper keenly protects her daughter. This might be in the same universe as The Guest, but isn’t close to the same league. The mother/daughter drama feels forced while the action/horror dynamic feels underdeveloped. Some of the violence is okay, but there’s simply not enough of it to counteract the dull drama. Essentially, this is about an eternally pissed off woman who takes on cartoon warriors.
– (1984) – A girl who has bad dreams joins a sorority that makes her break into a mall as a prank. Begins as a bland drama that centers on amnesia before turning into a substandard slasher. Somewhat mysterious, and does get bloodier as it goes.
– (1941) – A bumbling fool and his calm cohort wind up in a supposedly haunted house. The musical bookends are excruciating, and the outcome doesn’t mean much, but the pace is quick and some fun is provided. Though the humor induces chuckles, most of the gags are the same.
– (2018) – Disguised maniacs pick off a dysfunctional family in a trailer park community. A bland, predictable, and cliche riddled slog that could only terrify those with a mask phobia. Just as preposterous as the first film, though some of the violence is rather unsettling.
Slashed Dreams
– (1975) – A camping couple struggle to recover from or subdue their yokel assailants. Gets off to a busy start, then spends far too much time with two characters who don’t do much. The point is tired and the music is terrible.
Zombie 5: Killing Birds
– (1987) – Students research birds near the place where a Vietnam vet was blinded by one. It’s as awful as it sounds, mainly because of unrelenting boredom. Most scenes feature characters who simply sit around and take forever to die.
Breakdown Lane
– (2017) – A woman with car issues becomes stranded in a vacant area where the living dead outnumber the living. While this does attempt a variety of action and horror scenes, they’re so badly constructed it’s often hard to tell what the overall point is. Whitney Moore is easy on the eyes, but the rest of this is rather repugnant.
Zombie Cop
– (1991) – A dead cop takes on the voodoo priest who cursed him back to life. Too many scenes drag, and the dirt-cheap production gets in the way of ambition, but there are some good ideas on display and a mostly-fun tone. By far one of the better shot-on-video films of the era, but still suffers from too many imperfections.
Mr. Jingles
– (2006) – Stoners make trouble for a girl who was previously victimized by a killer clown. Has an okay concept that’s ruined by a terrible script and shallow, lowlife characters. An irritating excuse for (sometimes nifty) gore.
Parts of the Family
– (2003) – A killer on the lam holes up in the worst possible house of choice. A little confusing in structure, but once sense is made of the occurrences become somewhat fulfilling. Begins as a common crime story before turning into a nutty zombie yarn.