Funeral
– (2025) – A small group of people gather for a closed casket funeral during a snow storm, then find they can’t escape the parlor. While this does touch on themes of youth, old age, death and commitment to country, there’s never a sense of exactly what’s happening or why. When the end results are rendered? Good luck not groaning with disapproval. Probes the meaning of life, but does so through a haphazard screenplay.
Amityverse: Infinity
– (2026) – Anthology of 10 stories that focus on a suicide, a radio, singing ghosts, a devious shrink, shark-crabs, a shitting spirit, a cult leader, a dentist, a killer director, and hand puppets. While each story is so short we’re quickly put out of our misery, they’re still a trial to sit through. Every segment is cheaper than dirt, and range from mostly bad to impossibly irritating. Might have been fun for those who created this hell, but the rest of us are made to suffer.
Deathwoods
– (2026) – A group of friends vacate to the woods where they’re picked off by a killer when not hounded by local hillbillies. Yet another run-of-the-mill slasher that pits a so-called legendary killer against people with ordinary issues. There’s some blood n’ boobs here n’ there, but not enough to salvage a dull experience that isn’t as provoking as it wants to be.
Amityverse
– (2025) – Anthology of 10 stories that focus on Halloween night, a murderous clown, an evil spoon, a skeletal cop, a mime, a lawn ornament, a toilet, an invisible person, a killer dirtbag, and a hammer. While nothing presented can be considered prime entertainment, each segment moves too fast to leave behind the lingering stench of failure. Every tale breezes through shoddy action and dollar store F/X, and as such forms a harmless yet forgettable dungheap.
Spider Island
– (2026) – Influencers attending a new island resort encounter a murderous breed of arachnid, which the owner finds a minor inconvenience. Takes some digs at the annoyances of online attention whores, but there’s not much actual horror taking place. The spider activity is incredibly sparse, cheap, and ineffective, while the drama can’t handle the bulk of the remaining length.
Leviticus
– (2026) – Two young men are terrorized by an apparition that appears as each other. Begins by offering insights into homosexuality and religion, but not long after becomes just another tale of who’s who among drab characters in any form. It’s well made and has spouts of violence, but the whole time I kept longing to watch It Follows instead.
– (1975) – The devil wants his sacred book back, but a family attempts to keep it from him to save their souls. Doesn’t make a lot of sense, and the point is lost somewhere in the sluggish pace. The disgustingly unique finale, however, is worth remembering.
– (2018) – A young man obliterates his dysfunctional family after a slow dissolve involving abuse, drugs, and infrequent haunts. A variation of Amityville II that doesn’t resort to as much corn, but rather tries to depict history in a more straightforward manner. Not always on point, and the Long Island accents are a bit much, but by the end this is wholly effective.
– (2016) – Low level street thugs are abducted by masked strangers on Halloween night. Gets off to a rough start by focusing on despicable characters and their irritating choice in music. Doesn’t fare much better when the stakes of the plot are raised, as too much of what’s supposed to be serious becomes corny.
Deathbone, Third Blood Part VII: The Blood of Deathbone
– (2011) – An elf seeks a barbarian to assist her in bringing down a goblin. The production aspects won’t win over those who prefer their movies polished, and the plot is rather typical to the fantasy genre, but what makes this so much fun are the lines among the frenzied cast. The deliveries of Chris Seaver’s unique dialog are as humorous as the words themselves. Maybe not great “cinema,” but great entertainment.
Alligator
– (1980) – A flushed gator that’s been feeding on experimental dogs in a city sewer grows large and attacks humans. Has more drama than horror, but there are enough cheap thrills and worthwhile areas to hold attention throughout. Oddly, the quirky character moments outmatch the quirky monster moments.
Day of the Dead (2008)
– (2008) – Infection in a small town causes people to die and instantly return as ragged zombies. Similar to the original only in terms of character names and minor situations, but fails to work as an homage or as an attempt to improve upon the original. Short yet boring slop with awful comic relief.
Child’s Play (1988)
– (1988) – A dying serial killer possesses a doll who must transfer his soul into a 6-year-old boy. Could easily have failed if not handled properly, but the premise is carefully constructed through believable acting and some tense moments. Rightfully memorable for hitting a few horrific and dramatic notes.
Terrifier 3
– (2024) – Art the Clown is out and about killing people at Christmastime. That’s pretty much it. There’s something of a story involving the previous film’s survivor living with an overly cutesy family, but they only serve to bore us until the kills arrive. Granted, the gore F/X are nifty, but by now have become repetitive, even though they account for maybe 20% of the elongated length. Brutal at times, but tries patience.
Dr. Hackenstein
– (1988) – A doctor who’s working on resurrection is happened upon by three women who could potentially fulfill his experiment’s needs. Since the bulk of this relies on slow drama, the bulk of this sucks. Dumb, but certainly not fun.