Hallowarrior
– (2026) – The supposed last girl on Earth spends Halloween alone (naturally) until she’s visited upon by three other survivors and multiple human monsters. A post-apocalyptic dud that only identifies a few characters, yet can’t do anything significant with any of them. The entirety takes place in one location, so there’s no chance new sets will distract anyone from the monotony. Worse still, the lead is referred to as “Pumpkin” so many times that one might actually want to smash her against pavement.
Buddy
– (2026) – When the mascot of a children’s show starts killing its co-stars, the survivors flee to a protected realm. Meanwhile, in the real world, a woman who believes she forgot about having one of her children is sucked into the show. In other words: huh? The first act is by far the highlight as the morbidity is both disturbing and humorous, but this runs out of gas shortly thereafter. Though some sadism remains, repetition creeps in and drags down the initial enjoyment.
V/H/S/Mixtape
– (2026) – Anthology of four stories that focus on singing puppets, a couple trapped in a cube, a mysterious musician, and a killer recording her murders. If the sole intention of each story was to create a massive headache, then congrats filmmakers, you succeeded admirably since each segment is magnanimously earsplitting. Some of the practical F/X are fine, but they don’t come close to saving the weak stories, the irritating acting, and the utterly meaningless interludes.
Mark of the Witch
– (1970) – A woman who was hung as a witch returns 300 years later in the body of a college student. That’s pretty much all this is about, aside from two guys who try (and fail) to set things straight with the spiritual happenings. It’s goofy enough to skirt by on camp, but nothing that occurs ever raises a pulse.
Onslaught
– (2026) – Three lab enhanced super soldiers make their way to a trailer park where a former sniper keenly protects her daughter. This might be in the same universe as The Guest, but isn’t close to the same league. The mother/daughter drama feels forced while the action/horror dynamic feels underdeveloped. Some of the violence is okay, but there’s simply not enough of it to counteract the dull drama. Essentially, this is about an eternally pissed off woman who takes on cartoon warriors.
4 Halloween
– (2023) – Anthology of four stories that focus on a masked mutilator, a haggard witch, murderous pizza, the undead, and (making this the fifth premise despite the title) clowns from outer space. There isn’t much to say about this that’s remotely positive, so I’ll start with the good news: it ends. Every moment is repulsive, from the acting to the cheap aesthetic to the total lack of competent storytelling. Trust me, you’ll have more fun stomping out a flaming bag of dog shit.
– (2018) – A stolen laptop and mishandled money lead to terror for unsuspecting friends. Irritating in the set-up, decent when horror’s included, but ultimately dull and pointless. Not one character involved is worth worrying about, which kills any chance this had in building tension.
– (2016) – A troubled woman learns her role in monster attacks that are befalling Seoul. A unique and refreshing spin on giant creature movies, complete with highly involving characters and a plethora of surprises. Some of the dramatics are on the stiff side, but when all is said and done there’s nothing quite like this, which is a great thing.
– (1994) – Survivors of a super flu band together against an evil assortment in order to salvage what’s left of humankind. A slow and steady adventure that, despite some hokey inclusions, always maintains medium to high levels of interest. 90% faithful to the massive novel, but still can’t overcome a lousy Las Vegas finale. Six hours long, but worth the time.
Slaughterhouse
– (1987) – A fat guy kills locals when his father’s slaughterhouse is foreclosed upon. Has few redeeming qualities since every character serves as an irritation, but at least the gore is mediocre. There are certainly worse movies, but few annoy as much.
Jaws
– (1975) – A shark terrorizes a beach community that thrives on summer business. A solid outing held steady by great characters and an overall sense of danger. The shark moments range from creepy to cheesy, but more often than not create necessary tension.
Resident Evil: Retribution
– (2012) – Men and women with high tech weapons battle the creations of a high tech facility. Stages one action scene after another, without ever worrying about a little thing called plot. Occasionally nifty, but mostly empty.
Child’s Play (1988)
– (1988) – A dying serial killer possesses a doll who must transfer his soul into a 6-year-old boy. Could easily have failed if not handled properly, but the premise is carefully constructed through believable acting and some tense moments. Rightfully memorable for hitting a few horrific and dramatic notes.
Clowntergeist
– (2017) – A girl who’s afraid of clowns is haunted by the ghostly form of one. Hard to condemn since it tries to have commendable characters and horrific moments, yet the payoff is lost to confusion in the skittish plot. Rather stupid and annoying, and the villain isn’t exactly menacing.
Igor and the Lunatics
– (1985) – A Manson-esque clan wreak havoc on locals. Hard to make sense of due to a lack of character and plot motivations. There’s no gore, no cheap laughs and no overall purpose.