– (2016) – A small group of friends film themselves as they talk about fear near an infamous haunted house. Doesn’t seem to know what it wants to do, as it’s never clear why the characters search for a house they never enter (until the lame finale). One half is a POV confessional of an irritating actress, the other half is a blatant Blair Witch ripoff. Both try patience.
– (2015) – A group of friends steal a bus, run out of gas, and end up in the terrain of a killer. Another faux ’80s slasher that pretends it’s from the past but forgets to include a single moment that feels like the ’80s. This is just another shot on digital mess with CGI gore and typically trite teens.
– (2016) – The survivor of the previous entry watches a movie with her mother and recounts past footage to a shrink. One of the laziest, ugliest, and least resourceful heaps of dung to ever disgrace an internet stream. Built on scenes from other lousy movies, while anything new is preposterously inept.
– (2016) – A group of friends visit the site of past murders and are stalked by a killer in a clown mask. How bad is this? Let’s count the ways. 1. There are too many stagnant shots of random things. 2. The acting stinks. 3. The story and its flashbacks make no sense. 4. Has an open ending as though anyone would want this garbage to continue.
– (2005) – A reality show is filmed on the grounds where the previous entries took place and, sure enough, someone in a clown mask is picking everyone off. Attempts something unique (for the time), but still succumbs to the same low-budget trappings that destroys its independent credibility. A humorless, goreless, careless waste of time.
– (2000) – A film crew intends to make a movie based on real camp murders, and bring along the only survivor, but find someone else picking them off. As far as zero-budget backyard sequels go, this isn’t the worst, but the story and character angles are missing. Has moments of brutality, but it’s too cheap and drab to consider a success.
– (2014) – A tri-cloven hoofed animal is spreading terror among small town citizens. A slow builder that requires patience, but midway through one can clearly realize this isn’t going anywhere special. The characters mumble from one dry scene to the next, and never capture the emotion necessary to make the attempted tension work.
– (2016) – A creature is picking off dimwits who f**k on its killing ground. Essentially has no f**king plot, as this is merely a means to have lousy f**king actors have partially clothed sex. Good for some okay f**king nudity, but anyone looking for solid f**king entertainment need steer f**king clear.
– (2014) – Nazis are separated from one another ensuing a plane mishap and end up in woods where cannibals dwell. Runs 96 minutes, but if you remove all the slo-mo shots this would easily shave a half hour. Though a few rants are humorous, there are more sots of buttcheeks than anything that advances an actual plot.