Three Blind Mice
– (2023) – A young woman with substance abuse issues is brought to the woods by friends and family to come clean, but runs into another monstrous situation. The setup sounds exactly like Evil Dead, though the output can’t hold a candle to that film’s intensity. Instead, we’re treated to failed experiments that kill people at a crawling rate. A decent time waster, but instantly forgettable.
Longlegs
– (2024) – A psychic FBI agent investigates a serial killer who leaves no traces of himself at his crime scenes. A wholly absorbing and original story with unpredictable turns and quite a few unsettling moments. Moves deliberately slow, as it’s in no rush to shock, but when surprises do arise they’re well worth the wait. Much like the villain, this burrows deep under your skin and stays awhile.
Amityville Bigfoot
– (2024) – A tall ape picks off anyone in his terrain, from birdwatchers to a film crew. One of the better entries in the Amityville slop pile, mainly because it packs in a ton of activity at a brisk pace, and provides a substantial amount of crude and violent moments. Not exactly fine cinema, but a cheap means to provide minimal fun.
Amityville Backpack
– (2024) – A complete schmuck buys a backpack that drills to death anyone who wears it. Only features a few actors who repeat the same mannerisms throughout, and has abominable gore straight out of a Walmart Halloween aisle. Repeats the same plot points over and over again, yet never puts forth a reason to exist. Silly at times, but not silly enough.
MaXXXine
– (2024) – An aspiring actress lands her first non-porno role while those closest to her are picked off by a serial killer. A slow and steady mystery that consistently involves despite featuring a beyond-selfish protagonist who does nothing but protect herself, which is seemingly the Hollywood way. Loses some steam once the killer is revealed, yet does have an ultra-violent climax. The lesser entry in the series, though it still manages to grip. (Kevin Bacon steals the show.)
your a-z guide to obscure & classic horror movies
– (1988) – A warrior and a princess set out to claim one of two stones before an evil ruler gathers both. Has a few eye opening moments of the lamest varieties, but most other progressions are mundane. Doesn’t last long and moves relatively fast, although the only highlights are ones the creators shouldn’t be proud of.
– (1977) – Partisans battle Germans while horrible experiments occur at a Nazi camp. The modified beast is a travesty to behold, while nothing else holds an ounce of intrigue. A pitiful action movie with only a few moments of sadistic horror.
– (1976) – An electrical storm causes worms to attack locals en masse. Starts with an unnecessary prologue, but becomes enjoyable through satisfying character interactions. The horror is slow to develop, but by the end offers creepiness and a few disgusting surprises.
Two Thousand Maniacs!
– (1964) – Southern hicks celebrating their town’s centennial kill Northerners in unique ways. The overall premise and variety of kills are inventive, but everything else is dull and irritating. Could possibly feature the worst songs ever recorded by man.
The Roost
– (2005) – Stranded friends spend Halloween night trying to survive zombies and bats. Has a sort-of clever intro that only sets the stage for a cheap backyard outing. Characters are nil, the FX stink, and the plot is absent.
Train to Busan
– (2016) – A father accompanies his daughter to see her mother while a viral outbreak turns humans into bloodthirsty killers. Yet another not-quite-a-zombie yarn that might as well be called 28 Days Later on a Train. Does have some credible character moments and scenarios, but the been-there-done-that vibe turns attempted emotions into schmaltz.
The Serpent and the Rainbow
– (1988) – A medical researcher travels to a third world country to acquire the secrets of voodoo. Too polished for a movie that’s shot in filth, and too light for a story that deals with death. Not bad, but nothing is entirely believable.
Camp Blood 8: Revelations
– (2020) – A group of girls are stranded in woods where a masked killer and his mother kill or abduct them. Never very good, but it’s light years better than others in this cruddy series by at least attempting stupidity at every turn. Cheap even by dirt standards, but does entertain from time to time.
Killer Condom
– (1996) – A homosexual cop searches for love while tracking a maiming contraceptive. Has a great beginning that’s full of colorful characters amid a gritty city backdrop. Tires toward the end, but remains pretty funny overall.