The Crow (2024)
– (2024) – An ex-con who’s killed due to his girlfriend’s entanglements returns from death to exact revenge on their behalf. Lacks the grim, gothic vibe of the original film, as well as the striking visuals. Aesthetics aside, this is just a run-of-the-mill vigilante movie with spouts of vicious killings. Okay at times, but staggeringly dull overall.
Hellboy: The Crooked Man
– (2024) – A demon and his few companions become stranded in a wooded terrain of evil legends. The atmosphere is stark, as the scenery provides a strong horror backdrop, but that’s where the film peaks. The story leaves little reason to find out what happens next, since the Crooked Man and some witch are the only ones given a backstory. Looks great, but might put you to sleep.
Amityville VR
– (2024) – A man who’s abducted by government officials is forced to experience the simulation of walking down roads and through a cornfield. At this point we have to assume these Amityville titles are coming out for the sole purpose of receiving negative reviews, so here’s one more: this movie sucks. There’s absolutely no show of talent on either side of the camera, from the shoddy script to the portly actors who do nothing to advance their go-nowhere careers. Only 61-minutes, but I’d rather have spent that time chewing glass.
Amityville AI
– (2024) – A guy who equips his house with modern tech finds himself, and others around him, hunted by electronics. The only saving grace is that this doesn’t last long, so we’re only forced to deal with so much abysmal acting and dialog that feels made up on the fly. Lacks a single ounce of creativity, suspense, or purpose.
Meg 2: The Trench
– (2023) – Aquatic researchers uncover colossal sharks beneath an oil refinery and eventually face off against them. Takes 90-minutes to get to the so-called shark mayhem, and in the long downtime we’re treated to thin characters, insipid dialog, and banal humor. When the action does finally roll around, everything feels like a video game cut scene with zero emotional depth. Wants to be cheesy fun, but cheese is never this dull.
Popeye’s Revenge
– (2025) – An abandoned mutant grows up to become a vengeful, beefy-armed killer. All this does is take a well-known character name, alter his background to avoid lawsuits, and turn him into any other mass murderer. The plot at least attempts to flesh out the victims, but as soon as we learn anything about them they die. Thank God for the hot tub scene, as everything else is unsightly and mundane.
– (1992) – The father and son of a dead actress relocate near a cemetery that causes the dead to rise. A hypnotically dull pace is bogged down even further by some impossibly lifeless acting. The lone highlight — which still stinks — is Clancy Brown as a zombie who’s too reminiscent of the lead in C.H.U.D. II.
– (2006) – Actors and actresses die fake deaths but puke for real in a sad excuse for a narrative film. Has nothing resembling a plot, but links together scenes of vile nothingness with repetitive sound F/X. An all-too-obvious strive for controversy that triggers feelings of concern for the desperate creators.
– (2019) – Sorority girls women contend with all manner of wicked guys. A little too heavy handed on the feminist agenda, especially the super-lame dance scene, and as such feels like topical propaganda. The pace is quick though, which helps one get through a plot that is hardly original or instructive.
Wrong Turn (2021)
– (2021) – A group of friends go off trail while hiking and discover an underground cult. Gets off to a perfectly awful start where insufferable characters constantly scream and curse at will. A twist eventually surfaces within the villains, but this still serves no greater purpose than killing people for rather dumb reasons. Improves as it goes, but drags its feet for so long the ultimate turns become easy to predict.
Tarantulas: The Deadly Cargo
– (1977) – A plane exporting coffee beans crash lands in U.S. farmland and exposes locals to deadly spiders. Takes forever to get going, and never provides anything original or of interest. Dull and absurd nonsense with a staggeringly lifeless finale.
Stitches
– (2012) – A clown who dies during a birthday party returns from the grave to kill the ones responsible. Begins in the worst possible way by spending an hour with less-than-desirable teens going about their trivial lives. When this finally remembers it’s a horror movie, the gory goods are gleefully delivered. Piss-poor drama meets top-notch bloodshed (the balloon head gag alone is worth the price of admission).
From Beyond the Grave
– (1973) – Anthology of four stories that focus on a haunted mirror, a voodoo woman, a shoulder phantom and a mysterious door. Provides some amusement and creepy atmosphere, but loses too many bouts with sluggishness and silliness.
Killjoy 2
– (2002) – Troubled youths and their counselors are stalked in woods by a legendary clown. Mixes some okay horror ideas with too many dramatic cliches. Does little to not humiliate itself, but manages to amuse from time to time.
Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead
– (2006) – A fast food chicken restaurant that’s built over an ancient Indian burial ground serves meals that turn patrons into chicken zombies. A horror/musical with some truly funny moments, a boat load of gore, and tons of social commentary. The musical aspect all but disappears toward the third act, but this is still sick fun overall.