Meg 2: The Trench
– (2023) – Aquatic researchers uncover colossal sharks beneath an oil refinery and eventually face off against them. Takes 90-minutes to get to the so-called shark mayhem, and in the long downtime we’re treated to thin characters, insipid dialog, and banal humor. When the action does finally roll around, everything feels like a video game cut scene with zero emotional depth. Wants to be cheesy fun, but cheese is never this dull.
Popeye’s Revenge
– (2025) – An abandoned mutant grows up to become a vengeful, beefy-armed killer. All this does is take a well-known character name, alter his background to avoid lawsuits, and turn him into any other mass murderer. The plot at least attempts to flesh out the victims, but as soon as we learn anything about them they die. Thank God for the hot tub scene, as everything else is unsightly and mundane.
Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy
– (1955) – Two Americans in Cairo volunteer to escort a mummy back to the states, but when the corpse goes missing they oversee a cursed medallion instead. I would wager this is enjoyable if you’re in the mood for mugging, juvenile humor, but others might not find a single moment to laugh with. Childish jokes are one thing, but there’s not much of a story to digest either, and the mummy only shows up an hour in. An exercise in lame-joke repetition.
Don’t Move
– (2024) – A young woman is injected with a serum that paralyzes her by an abductor who’s teaching her a lesson about life. I suppose this is okay if you want to watch a victim squirm for 90-minutes (until she improbably stops squirming) but others will probably want a little more movement in their supposed thrillers. A quiet bore with very few characters and even fewer reasons to see this through to the implausible end.
Don’t Say Its Name
– (2021) – Something moves and kills people really fast in a snowy region of proud locals. The atmosphere is solid and the length is short, but that’s where praise ends. Half of this consists of characters giving rambling speeches about heritage and community, which only adds to the sluggish pace. Also, the killer looks just like Svengoolie, which does nothing to instill fear.
Demon Cop
– (1990) – A probation officer violently seeks a cure for whatever turned him into a beast. Thanks to slapdash editing and actors who stumble over their own words, it’s almost impossible to tell what’s going on. With more monster activity this could have gone down as one of the best/worst movies, but with so much human drama it doesn’t provide enough unintentional humor to fully entertain.
your a-z guide to obscure & classic horror movies
– (2021) – A group of friends go off trail while hiking and discover an underground cult. Gets off to a perfectly awful start where insufferable characters constantly scream and curse at will. A twist eventually surfaces within the villains, but this still serves no greater purpose than killing people for rather dumb reasons. Improves as it goes, but drags its feet for so long the ultimate turns become easy to predict.
– (2018) – Someone’s murdering college students in a frat house during a Christmas party. Has a shoddy story and some terrible acting, but does have a pulse and features a few gruesome murders. Far from perfect, yet manages to entertain by adding personable characters who die often.
– (1965) – Robbers who dump their stash in a random vehicle track down the family of said vehicle. An abominable waste of time with a sad story, pathetic characters, and a nauseously repetitive score. Perhaps intelligent for twenty seconds.
Tales of Halloween
– (2015) – Anthology of ten stories that focus on multiple aspects of Halloween, from killer humans to killer pumpkins. The tales range from barely okay to outright idiotic, despite thriving for holiday themes. The F/X are utterly awful, but somehow the acting is worse.
Supercroc
– (2007) – Soldiers on foot, and higher ups in a command center, deal with a laughably fake crocodile. Feels like separate film school projects sewn together to aggravate the few suckers willing to withstand this crap. Almost off-the-charts bad, but manages some dumb fun.
Dawn of the Dead (1978)
– (1978) – Four survivors of a zombie plague take refuge in a shopping mall they slowly transform into a modern paradise. Begins with a great sense of dread that never lets up, and ends with exciting frustration. Always involving, most often startling, and surprisingly emotional. A haunting epic.
Black Demons
– (1991) – Some guy records a voodoo ritual that awakens six zombie slaves. The horror can’t compensate for the rotten dialog and acting, since there are only two decent kills throughout. A boring failure that ruins what could have been an intriguing venture.
The Clown Murders
– (1976) – A lot goes wrong when a group of guys kidnap a girl. Impossible to tell what’s happening since the dialog accomplishes nothing while the actions are drop-dead boring. Lacks horror, drama, and involvement.
Actium Maximus: War of the Alien Dinosaurs
– (2005) – Interplanetary turmoil leads to many assassination attempts and alien gladiator fights. Whatever plot exists is told through mumbling humans and subtitled robots whom are of equally nil importance. The FX are astoundingly terrible, and can’t warrant respect even when considering the budget. Garbage.