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Meg 2: The Trench

★½☆☆ – (2023) – Aquatic researchers uncover colossal sharks beneath an oil refinery and eventually face off against them. Takes 90-minutes to get to the so-called shark mayhem, and in the long downtime we’re treated to thin characters, insipid dialog, and banal humor. When the action does finally roll around, everything feels like a video game cut scene with zero emotional depth. Wants to be cheesy fun, but cheese is never this dull.

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Popeye’s Revenge

★½☆☆ – (2025) – An abandoned mutant grows up to become a vengeful, beefy-armed killer. All this does is take a well-known character name, alter his background to avoid lawsuits, and turn him into any other mass murderer. The plot at least attempts to flesh out the victims, but as soon as we learn anything about them they die. Thank God for the hot tub scene, as everything else is unsightly and mundane.

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Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy

★½☆☆ – (1955) – Two Americans in Cairo volunteer to escort a mummy back to the states, but when the corpse goes missing they oversee a cursed medallion instead. I would wager this is enjoyable if you’re in the mood for mugging, juvenile humor, but others might not find a single moment to laugh with. Childish jokes are one thing, but there’s not much of a story to digest either, and the mummy only shows up an hour in. An exercise in lame-joke repetition.

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Don’t Move

★☆☆☆ – (2024) – A young woman is injected with a serum that paralyzes her by an abductor who’s teaching her a lesson about life. I suppose this is okay if you want to watch a victim squirm for 90-minutes (until she improbably stops squirming) but others will probably want a little more movement in their supposed thrillers. A quiet bore with very few characters and even fewer reasons to see this through to the implausible end.

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Don’t Say Its Name

★½☆☆ – (2021) – Something moves and kills people really fast in a snowy region of proud locals. The atmosphere is solid and the length is short, but that’s where praise ends. Half of this consists of characters giving rambling speeches about heritage and community, which only adds to the sluggish pace. Also, the killer looks just like Svengoolie, which does nothing to instill fear.

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Demon Cop

★★☆☆ – (1990) – A probation officer violently seeks a cure for whatever turned him into a beast. Thanks to slapdash editing and actors who stumble over their own words, it’s almost impossible to tell what’s going on. With more monster activity this could have gone down as one of the best/worst movies, but with so much human drama it doesn’t provide enough unintentional humor to fully entertain.

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