Meg 2: The Trench
– (2023) – Aquatic researchers uncover colossal sharks beneath an oil refinery and eventually face off against them. Takes 90-minutes to get to the so-called shark mayhem, and in the long downtime we’re treated to thin characters, insipid dialog, and banal humor. When the action does finally roll around, everything feels like a video game cut scene with zero emotional depth. Wants to be cheesy fun, but cheese is never this dull.
Popeye’s Revenge
– (2025) – An abandoned mutant grows up to become a vengeful, beefy-armed killer. All this does is take a well-known character name, alter his background to avoid lawsuits, and turn him into any other mass murderer. The plot at least attempts to flesh out the victims, but as soon as we learn anything about them they die. Thank God for the hot tub scene, as everything else is unsightly and mundane.
Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy
– (1955) – Two Americans in Cairo volunteer to escort a mummy back to the states, but when the corpse goes missing they oversee a cursed medallion instead. I would wager this is enjoyable if you’re in the mood for mugging, juvenile humor, but others might not find a single moment to laugh with. Childish jokes are one thing, but there’s not much of a story to digest either, and the mummy only shows up an hour in. An exercise in lame-joke repetition.
Don’t Move
– (2024) – A young woman is injected with a serum that paralyzes her by an abductor who’s teaching her a lesson about life. I suppose this is okay if you want to watch a victim squirm for 90-minutes (until she improbably stops squirming) but others will probably want a little more movement in their supposed thrillers. A quiet bore with very few characters and even fewer reasons to see this through to the implausible end.
Don’t Say Its Name
– (2021) – Something moves and kills people really fast in a snowy region of proud locals. The atmosphere is solid and the length is short, but that’s where praise ends. Half of this consists of characters giving rambling speeches about heritage and community, which only adds to the sluggish pace. Also, the killer looks just like Svengoolie, which does nothing to instill fear.
Demon Cop
– (1990) – A probation officer violently seeks a cure for whatever turned him into a beast. Thanks to slapdash editing and actors who stumble over their own words, it’s almost impossible to tell what’s going on. With more monster activity this could have gone down as one of the best/worst movies, but with so much human drama it doesn’t provide enough unintentional humor to fully entertain.
your a-z guide to obscure & classic horror movies
– (1995) – A young woman who’s strapped for cash allows herself to be injected with an experimental serum at a blood bank that has her developing a taste for human vitality. Aims for a lesbian/vampire love story at its core, but better succeeds in the secondary character nonsense that falls in between. A grungy outing with far more ambition than wit, and more cheese than actual sense.
– (2001) – Orphaned siblings are moved to a wealthy house where creepiness transpires. Despite some rain atmosphere, there’s nothing on the horror end that warrants watching to the end, especially since the overall points are so obvious. Far fetched drivel that beats to death used ideas.
– (2002) – A group of psychics explore a legendary house with the hope of awakening its ghostly secrets. Takes a common idea, with common characters, and slowly drags out every trivial moment. The horror is decent when infrequently served, but the irritating moments take precedence over all.
The Howling: New Moon Rising
– (1995) – A werewolf mistaken for a mountain lion occasionally kills someone in the hillbilly capital of America. Hard to say which is worse, that such a simple plot is over explained, that the highlights are clips from previous entries, or that an actual werewolf doesn’t appear until the final 30-seconds. Shockingly bad in all avenues (even without the line dancing).
Primeval
– (2007) – Americans research a giant crocodile in genocide laden Africa. The drama and terror most often work well, but occasionally fall victim to silliness. Gets better as it goes and has a pretty effective conclusion.
Phantasm II
– (1988) – New Mike and familiar Reggie take a road trip to search for the still-destructive Tall Man. Character chemistry is just as fresh this time around, which is atypical considering the shift in a main actor. The goofiness and purposeful confusion of Part One have been turned into a steadily paced, straight ahead outing that expands on the franchise’s originality. A blast.
The Plague of the Zombies
– (1966) – A doctor investigates voodoo related incidents that cause the dead to rise. Steadily builds an involving mystery through minimal horror and witty dialog. Hard to judge since the genre took the zombie notion to more exciting heights, but even for the atmosphere alone this is commendable.
House of Fears
– (2007) – A group of semi-friends enter an attraction where imagined fears become real. Takes itself too seriously, as none of the fears are established through anything but lame transitions. Has professional moments, but the overall story and its progressions are sheer garbage.
Screamplay
– (1985) – A screenwriter’s art imitates grim life as he follows his Hollywood dreams. Shot in the style of a 1930’s film, but references to the modern era which lead to time frame confusion. The concept isn’t as on point as need be, and the pace crawls, but creativity is evident through actors who perform as though they’re in the past.