Granny Krampus
– (2024) – A dysfunctional family gathers for Christmas while a legendary creature is out and about killing very few people. An absolutely lifeless drama with minor sprinklings of horror that feels like watching ice cubes melt. Every drab, whisper-quiet scene is a test of endurance, as not even the bloody moments raise a pulse. A colossally dull snooze fest.
Werewolf Santa
– (2023) – A bickering family films themselves during a night in which Kris Kringle becomes a lycanthrope. Has a funny moment or two, but never fully takes advantage of what could have been a silly, bombastic romp. Instead, this is ultimately a slow moving bore that features too few characters and too few horror inclusions.
Santa Isn’t Real
– (2023) – A girl who believes Santa Claus himself is responsible for her alleged suicide attempt vacations with her friends in the realm of said killer. Spends most of its short length on insipid character drama while forgetting it’s a horror film until the final act. That the overwhelmingly boneheaded group believes straightaway that Santa is a killer, and not someone dressed as him, is an unforgivable insult to anyone luckless enough to sit through this.
Black Friday
– (2021) – Toy store employees take on infected customers the day after Thanksgiving. Attempts fun through several colorful characters, but their plights are so ordinary that it’s hard to care about any of them. Some of the F/X are neat, but the plot is drab and nothing is as funny as intended.
Smile 2
– (2024) – A musician struggling with addiction also contends with a parasitic psychosis that has her seeing violent images amid people smiling. The story arc at least attempts a point about the pressures of stardom, but the horror elements that enhance those areas cause more eye rolling than gasps. Just as unoriginal as the first film, and equally preposterous.
Beetlejuice Beetlejuice
– (2024) – A mother and daughter who can see ghosts summon an infamous bio-exorcist to help them out of their newfound troubles. Looks great and has a highly imaginative spirit while tackling a plot that doesn’t duplicate the original. Becomes a bit too convoluted toward the end, and nothing is profoundly funny, but it’s always easy to watch and just as easy to digest.
your a-z guide to obscure & classic horror movies
– (1983) – Student archaeologists perform a dig on Indian burial grounds, until one becomes possessed and starts killing them all. Features one good murder and a lot of useless chatter. Only runs 75-minutes, but is still an hour too long.
– (1995) – A private detective investigates an illusionist who has ties to a murderous cult. Has some okay ideas and visuals throughout, but moves too slow and takes too long to get through the suspense-free plot. Most of the highlights occur at the end, but by then it’s too hard to care about anyone or anything.
– (1955) – Scientists are summoned to a planet that needs uranium. Loaded with nifty 50’s effects and sets, and features a pretty kick ass alien, but not much happens throughout as there’s too much talk about nonsense.
Wrong Turn (2003)
– (2003) – A group of friends, and a man traveling alone, are stalked by an inbred clan of killers. Rips off the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series so often that an issue of plagiarism could be raised. Some of the violence is good, but the characters and villains are drab.
Meth Gator
– (2023) – An alligator goes on the attack after eating a supply of meth. The title and concept might suggest a cheesy good time, but one aspect kills the entire experience: it’s flat out boring. You’ve seen these characters before, you’ve seen this plot before, you’ve seen the shoddy CGI before. Bad, but not in a fun way.
Zombi 3
– (1988) – A military sponsored virus causes the dead to rise and eat the living. For every terrible moment — of which there are plenty — there are some unexpectedly solid ones that exhibit good ideas. Falls flat one minute, kicks ass the next, but is mostly sluggish overall.
Vault of Horror
– (1973) – Anthology of five stories that focus on vampires, a neat freak, a magical rope, a buried man and a voodoo artist. Each tale is pretty bland, but they often finish unpredictably. Moves fast, but never raises the creep factor above moderate.
Hell Fest
– (2018) – A group of friends attend a festival of fabricated frights, only to find someone authentically stalking them. The premise has the makings of a decent slasher, but the output is too irritating and dopey to hold in higher regard. Gets dimmer as it goes and becomes too predictable to offer any true frights.
The Last Horror Film
– (1982) – A lunatic movie fan travels to Cannes to pursue his favorite actress. Never bad, and always tries to mean something, but can’t grip and worsens toward the end. Good intentions are weighed down by slapdash movie making.