Salem’s Lot (2024)
– (2024) – An author returns to his hometown to pen a new novel, but finds himself battling vampires instead. Lacks the key component of what made the book and prior films successful: character camaraderie. As such, this feels like any other run of the mill vampire flick. The rare spots of violence are okay, but too many ill-advised ideas are just plain corny. A fangless bore.
WNUF Halloween Special
– (2013) – A faux news broadcast takes us inside the house of a notorious murder, but things don’t go as planned. An absolutely whimsical experience in presentation alone. This looks, feels, and sounds exactly like an 80’s telecast. Moreover, the structure is equal to a live event of any decade in that the bulk consists of commercials while the main event comes and goes as it pleases. It’s funny in all the right places, and succeeds admirably in its design.
Terror Toons 4
– (2022) – Anthology of four stories that focus on killer bees, a mad scientist’s experiments, a demon summoned thorough a film script, and woodland deformities. It’s hard to imagine why this exists, or why anyone would lend their “talent” to it, since there could never have been an indication that this would end up as anything but terrible. The plots are inane while the green screen usage is entirely overmuch. Some of the F/X are ambitious, but they only serve to enhance pointless drivel.
All Hallows’ Eve: Inferno
– (2024) – Anthology of four stories that focus on night terrors, a kidnapped father, a food demon, and a creature that attacks four people. The good news? It’s short. The bad news? It exists. This is a paltry excuse for entertainment as no story has a definitive beginning or conclusion. The tales start, the tales end. That’s it. Of greater importance, the acting is an abomination.
All Hallows’ Eve: Trickster
– (2023) – Anthology of six stories that focus on ghostly kids, a serial killer, a basement monster, a sin-eater, vengeful witches and a cycloptic rapist. If there’s any reason to sit through this it’s the mostly-creative F/X. Every plot is terribly unoriginal, and clearly aim for gore over substance.
Vamps (2012)
– (2012) – Two semi-ditzy vampires contend with modern life, from dating mortals to avoiding execution. Gets off to a lousy start, as every joke is a lame pun about the old undead coping with new ways of life. Gradually picks up steam in the story department, and eventually reaches points of sincerity. Awkward, and at times purely pathetic, but remains true to itself when making a point about aging.
your a-z guide to obscure & classic horror movies
– (2010) – A woman who longs for a specific home goes through extreme measures to clear out its occupants. The story is decent enough to carry the viewer from beginning to end, but the selling point by far is the violence. Some of the murders are among the most creative and hard to watch in the history of the slasher. Brutal enjoyment that should be watched on an empty stomach.
– (2022) – In a world where dinosaurs roam free, a couple searches for a biogenetic child while scientists research giant locusts. An unabsorbing mishmash of ideas that never form a fulfilling, adventurous experience. Instead, this is an overlong bore with wooden characters, dismal dialog, and unexciting action. Looks good, but lacks wit and soul.
– (1980) – A woman hires a Vietnam vet to help her find her sister in a jungle where cannibals dwell. Has plenty of gut wrenching violence against animals, most of which were seen in a previous movie, but adds nothing new to the surprisingly large cannibal genre.
Lunch Meat
– (1986) – Vacationing friends come under attack from a family of hungry hillbillies. Has an awful beginning, but once the hicks start their attack the pursuit never stops. In more capable hands, this could have been a classic bloodbath.
Deadly Eyes
– (1982) – Rats lay waste to humans in single and mass quantities. The rodent mayhem isn’t too bad, and gets off to a gutsy start, but scenes of horror are too infrequent. The drama subplots hold attention, though nothing here is entirely new or creative.
Zombie Holocaust (aka Doctor Butcher M.D.)
– (1980) – New York City doctors travel to a jungle where the dead come to life. Feels exactly like Zombi 2 until the hour mark, when a mad doctor and ritual hokum take over. A few moments of gore and creepy looking zombies can’t rescue the stupidity.
Massage Parlor of Death
– (2015) – A masseuse kills her patrons in the name of voodoo and resurrection. A 61-minute mess that barely has a story and is highlighted by some of the worst gore (spaghetti sauce) ever filmed. There are some amusements throughout, and every actor seems in on the joke, but it’s hard to consider this an actual movie.
It (1990)
– (1990) – Six friends return to their hometown to confront a being that terrorized them 30 years earlier. Best when dealing with the reunion of old friends, as the child segments feature some truly bad acting. Long, but moves incredibly fast and covers a lot of ground. Lacks the emotional depth and evil nature of the epic novel.
Teenape vs. the Monster Nazi Apocalypse
– (2012) – A band of ragtag warriors take on the resurrection of Hitler and those who’ve summoned him. Has a lot going on at a brisk pace, but never slows enough to establish a full purpose. Not as raunchy or non-PC as past Teenape adventures, but provides some of the humor you’d come to expect.