I Know What You Did Last Summer (2025)
– (2025) – Bratty teens supposedly cause someone’s death, and one year later are stalked by a shadowy fisherman. No better or worse than the original bore, as including old school cast members helps ground what would otherwise have been a run-of-the-mill ripoff. The kills are ordinary and there’s no suspense, but it’s probably the best entry in a series made lame by a stupid title and the killer’s laughable aesthetic.
The Toxic Avenger (2023)
– (2023) – A single parent with a brain condition becomes a mutated superhero who goes after health insurance thugs. Takes a little while to get rolling, as it patiently sets up the hero and his adversaries, but once the mayhem ensues the carnage rarely lets up. A film of pure chaos that spills as much blood as it provides laughter. A zany joy.
Stitches
– (2012) – A clown who dies during a birthday party returns from the grave to kill the ones responsible. Begins in the worst possible way by spending an hour with less-than-desirable teens going about their trivial lives. When this finally remembers it’s a horror movie, the gory goods are gleefully delivered. Piss-poor drama meets top-notch bloodshed (the balloon head gag alone is worth the price of admission).
Together
– (2025) – A couple at odds with one another are infected with a disease that fuses them, further complicating their partnership. Gets off to a sluggish start as we get to know the main characters, but the pace picks up once the horror hits its stride. Ranges from gut-wrenching to corny to sad to absurd, but is always a joy to experience. Quite possibly the only time in history a Spice Girls song will leave an impact.
Amityville Backrooms
– (2024) – A real estate agent can’t escape from a house in California, and talks to himself while trying to get out. The biggest twist to this dull debacle is that someone goes looking for him. It’s hard to say why anyone would want to write this, star in this, or direct this. There’s simply no point, no suspense, and no progression. The saving grace is that it only lasts 68-minutes.
Jurassic World: Rebirth
– (2025) – Two separate parties try to survive on an island that’s overrun with leftover dinosaur attractions. The first hour features little more than an overly precocious (adult) scientist trying to inject a serum into a sea creature for its blood, while the second half focuses on ordinary humans escaping the same kind of CGI danger seen many times before in this very series. The biggest problem is that there are no stakes, meaning the few human deaths are expendable and/or foreseen at the start. Dark at times, but predictably lame.
– (1989) – Idiot parents in the Bible Belt search for missing children who’ve joined a murderous cult. Awful on every account, but the acting and dialog deserve crowns for their brazen wretchedness. Has one of the most gloriously crude and offensive finales of any motion picture to date.
– (2007) – Police, reporters and a cartoonist spend years tracking an attention seeking serial killer. Involves from the start and continually develops through character transitions and story twists. 158-minutes long, but flies by without ever stopping long enough to break its gripping stride.
– (1996) – A kid and a scientist want to help, protect, or destroy a former dolt who became a computer god. Ten times more confusing than necessary, and makes even less sense when compared to the original. Borderline terrible, but moves fast and sometimes looks cool.
They Don’t Cut the Grass Anymore
– (1985) – Two hillbillies mutilate men and women who lead better lives than them. Complete garbage from a cinematic standpoint, but has impressive backyard gore. Ambitious in its strive to nauseate, but the story is worthless.
The Great Alligator
– (1979) – An island god becomes a giant alligator to destroy the tourists in its domain. Drab and repetitive when the creature’s not on the loose, though scenes of monster activity are too dark to tell what’s happening. Blood free and dramatically inept.
Dead Rising: Watchtower
– (2015) – A reporter fends off hoards of zombies, the government, and generic bad guys. A live action take on a video game that thrives on inventive violence, but features far too many scenes of dull exposition. Aside from creative gadgets, this is nothing but the same old undead nonsense with bland characters.
The Skeleton Key (2005)
– (2005) – A woman is hired to care for an elderly man in a house of hoodoo secrets. Some parts of the mystery are intriguing, and the conclusion is bizarre, but the overall pace makes every second feel like an hour. Best when dealing with atmosphere, since the character stories leave much to be desired.
Clowns of Halloween
– (2019) – Anthology of three stories that focus on a killer clown, a killer doll clown, and another killer clown. The first story shows some signs of life, but the second is a basic repeat only with a toy, while the third is a stagnant bore. Yet another backyard effort by those with no clue how to tell one tale, let alone three.
Graduation Day
– (1981) – Someone in sweats is killing track team members as their high school graduation approaches. Pretty common and drab, but has a welcoming ’80s slasher feel and some absurdities to help fuel the cheese.