Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy
– (1955) – Two Americans in Cairo volunteer to escort a mummy back to the states, but when the corpse goes missing they oversee a cursed medallion instead. I would wager this is enjoyable if you’re in the mood for mugging, juvenile humor, but others might not find a single moment to laugh with. Childish jokes are one thing, but there’s not much of a story to digest either, and the mummy only shows up an hour in. An exercise in lame-joke repetition.
Don’t Move
– (2024) – A young woman is injected with a serum that paralyzes her by an abductor who’s teaching her a lesson about life. I suppose this is okay if you want to watch a victim squirm for 90-minutes (until she improbably stops squirming) but others will probably want a little more movement in their supposed thrillers. A quiet bore with very few characters and even fewer reasons to see this through to the implausible end.
Don’t Say Its Name
– (2021) – Something moves and kills people really fast in a snowy region of proud locals. The atmosphere is solid and the length is short, but that’s where praise ends. Half of this consists of characters giving rambling speeches about heritage and community, which only adds to the sluggish pace. Also, the killer looks just like Svengoolie, which does nothing to instill fear.
Demon Cop
– (1990) – A probation officer violently seeks a cure for whatever turned him into a beast. Thanks to slapdash editing and actors who stumble over their own words, it’s almost impossible to tell what’s going on. With more monster activity this could have gone down as one of the best/worst movies, but with so much human drama it doesn’t provide enough unintentional humor to fully entertain.
Piglet
– (2025) – A killer in a pig mask stalks a group of girls on a birthday retreat. There isn’t one second of this that stands apart from any other no-budget slasher, from stiff characters to shoddy camerawork to lazy murders. A maddening bore that tries patience, even though it only wastes 82-minutes of your precious life.
Companion
– (2025) – Sex robots aid humans in a robbery, but quickly find themselves opposed to one another. Despite some initial twists, the script never identifies what it wants to say about the future of animatronic mates. Instead, characters piss and moan about the timeworn woe-is-me plights of the modern world. There’s a high supply of violence, but the story isn’t nearly as clever as it thinks it is.
– (1988) – An abused child once plagued by visions of ghosts sees them again in her “stable” adulthood. Tries building a credible mystery in a ghostly city landscape, but good luck not comparing this to The Sentinel. Far from unique, but does offer some horror attempts and quite a few nude scenes.
– (1977) – A self-thinking computer traps a woman in her house with the intention of impregnating her. Aside from the preposterous amount of time that passes without anyone knowing what’s going on, this is one messed up and creepy movie. Moves too fast and is too trippy to get bogged down by some silliness.
– (1980) – Two degenerates crash a snob party and torment the guests. Gets off to a hideous start, and the resolution is absurd, but some moments in between manage to unnerve. Joyless perversion.
Blood Tracks
– (1985) – Musicians and band personnel battle avalanches and a hillbilly clan in a mountain area. Feels like The Hills Have Eyes, but smells a lot worse. No character is worth rooting for, and no excitement is dealt. A dull, dark bore that takes forever to get nowhere.
Ants
– (1977) – A building site near a vacation resort unleashes a massive colony of tiny insects. It’s hard to believe that such a stupid idea is played so seriously, since it works on neither a cornball level nor as guilty fun. Ridiculous beyond comprehension.
Plan 9 from Outer Space
– (1959) – Human space aliens resurrect the dead on Earth. Ambitious to a nutty degree, but weighed down and destroyed by pitiful dialog. Bad on every filmmaking account, and annoyingly preachy, but its reputation suggests a fun watch which this certainly is not.
The Devil’s Hand
– (1962) – In order to get laid by a witch, some guys enters a voodoo cult. Has one good idea involving dolls, but the rest is standard hoodoo nonsense. Only 71-minutes, but shoves patience to the brink.
Clown
– (2014) – A man dons a clown costume he can’t remove, only to discover he’s wearing demon skin. Has a few innovative moments and spots of dark humor, but drags its feet when it needs to pick up the pace. Ruins its own creativity with too many implausible and predictable moments.
Plutonium Baby
– (1987) – A child born of a radioactive mother can’t escape his ill-fated past. The first half is okay when dealing with bloodshed in the woods, but the second half (which takes place ten years later even though everything looks the same) is flat out dull. Initially fun, but ultimately torturous.