The Amityville Exorcist
– (2022) – Several men plead for online help from a priest they hope can salvage them from dark forces. Mainly accentuates close-ups of unsightly actors who tell stories of their plights before going haywire with drool. Zero budget slop that’s so visually unappealing you’ll beg for the plentiful Tubi ad breaks to salvage your woeful eyes. Cheap and purposeless dreck.
Obsession
– (2025) – A young man wishes for his crush to love him above all others, and unfortunately for him (and their friends) his wish is granted. Though the premise has already been used in Tales from the Crypt’s “Loved to Death” episode, this takes a simple notion and amplifies it to absurd and nerve-shredding levels. The grim stakes consistently rise throughout, making each scene more unpredictable than the prior. Borders on silly in the early stages, but from the 40-minute mark on becomes highly absorbing and ultimately disturbing.
Rumpelstiltskin (2025)
– (2025) – A yarn salesman discovers a mask that turns him into a troll-like creature. It’s hard to say which aspect is the most incompetent, the horror or the drama. The horror is pure cheese, though not in a fun way. Meanwhile, the drama is so overwrought and pretentious you’ll wish there was more monster activity to eradicate the despicable actors. Here’s four syllables to compete with the title: piece-of-gar-bage.
The Inn
– (2025) – A hulking madman lays waste to anyone in or around a certain motel. Gets off to a rip-roaring start by decimating obnoxious characters at a brisk pace. Then comes the title card and all momentum is lost. While the rest of the film does continue to kill off annoying pricks, it takes too long in doing so. What starts promising becomes yet another dim slasher.
Dolly
– (2025) – Someone who’s dressed as a doll imprisons a woman she intends to keep as her own child. Takes a singular component utilized in the vastly superior American Gothic and stretches it out into one mammoth bore. While this does showcase a horrific jaw injury, everything around that moment is either whisper quiet or screaming loud. Seriously, watch American Gothic instead.
I Know What You Did Last Christmas
– (2025) – A group of friends are invited to a Christmas party where they’re picked off by someone they wronged in the past. The plot is nothing new, the kills aren’t that great, and the overall aesthetic is unpleasing. I suppose the only reason this exists is because it can, since it doesn’t appear as though a ton of work went into its creation. Slaughter High did the same thing, only better.
– (2009) – In a vampire run world, humans are becoming extinct. Has a pretty good premise that can only carry the story so far. Okay in spots, but exhibits absolutely no emotion in any character or action.
– (2018) – Three scantily clad chicks and Santa Claus battle Krampus on Christmas Eve. While this is zany and fast moving enough to warrant a decent time, it’s not nearly funny as it wants to be. Piles on a ton of jokes and plot scenarios, but by the end is merely a serviceable comedy with unmet aspirations.
– (2016) – Obnoxious friends who catch a thrill in pranking people are taught a violent and valuable lesson. Mostly borrow parts from other films, and is often predictable, but the filmmaking aspects are professional enough to hold this in high regard. Starts rough, but eventually becomes a rather grueling experience.
Animals
– (1999) – A group of dirtbags torment an innocent family in the woods. A couple of moments feel real, but the bulk is familiar nonsense that could never match the highs of The Hills Have Eyes. Unoriginal and ugly, but does have something of an energetic spark.
Crocodile (1979)
– (1979) – Ensuing a massive hurricane, a giant crocodile attacks a small river community. The moments of ridiculousness and bloody mayhem are okay, but the bulk is insatiably dull. Borrows heavily from Jaws, but can’t mimic an ounce of suspense.
Dance of the Dead
– (2008) – A town is overrun with zombies on prom night, leaving look-alike dorks a chance to impress girls. Anything related to horror has been done to death, while anything dealing with romance is sheer schmaltz. Tests patience, but gets to the end quickly.
Satan War
-(1979) – A married couple moves into a house that inverts crosses and spews gook. Begins with an overlong satanic ritual that paves the way for the sheer boredom that follows. There’s hardly any dialog, barely any movement, and not one inkling of suspense. For some reason ends with a voodoo ritual.
Amityville Clownhouse
– (2017) – A guy who dressed as a clown and murdered his family is the supposed result of a possessed toy monkey. Following the plot is rather difficult since it’s hard to ascertain what’s legit horror and what’s straight humor. (Envisioning this as an intended comedy is your best bet.) Tries to link itself to the original haunted house series, but for a film with “Clownhouse” in the title, with no mention of an actual clown house, this is just as bad as the other pretenders that have “Amityville” in the title.
Psycho a Go-Go
– (1965) – Robbers who dump their stash in a random vehicle track down the family of said vehicle. An abominable waste of time with a sad story, pathetic characters, and a nauseously repetitive score. Perhaps intelligent for twenty seconds.