Once Upon a Time in Amityville
– (2024) – Bounty hunters seek a refuge in a haunted town. It’s hard to fathom how a film that only runs 71-minutes can cause such monumental grief. The main reason this equates torture is largely due to languidness. The diminutive cast does little but meander from one scene to the next while occasionally coming across a cheap effect. There’s simply no life to the proceedings, as though the digital imprint itself is dead.
Funeral
– (2025) – A small group of people gather for a closed casket funeral during a snow storm, then find they can’t escape the parlor. While this does touch on themes of youth, old age, death and commitment to country, there’s never a sense of exactly what’s happening or why. When the end results are rendered? Good luck not groaning with disapproval. Probes the meaning of life, but does so through a haphazard screenplay.
Amityverse: Infinity
– (2026) – Anthology of 10 stories that focus on a suicide, a radio, singing ghosts, a devious shrink, shark-crabs, a shitting spirit, a cult leader, a dentist, a killer director, and hand puppets. While each story is so short we’re quickly put out of our misery, they’re still a trial to sit through. Every segment is cheaper than dirt, and range from mostly bad to impossibly irritating. Might have been fun for those who created this hell, but the rest of us are made to suffer.
Deathwoods
– (2026) – A group of friends vacate to the woods where they’re picked off by a killer when not hounded by local hillbillies. Yet another run-of-the-mill slasher that pits a so-called legendary killer against people with ordinary issues. There’s some blood n’ boobs here n’ there, but not enough to salvage a dull experience that isn’t as provoking as it wants to be.
Amityverse
– (2025) – Anthology of 10 stories that focus on Halloween night, a murderous clown, an evil spoon, a skeletal cop, a mime, a lawn ornament, a toilet, an invisible person, a killer dirtbag, and a hammer. While nothing presented can be considered prime entertainment, each segment moves too fast to leave behind the lingering stench of failure. Every tale breezes through shoddy action and dollar store F/X, and as such forms a harmless yet forgettable dungheap.
Spider Island
– (2026) – Influencers attending a new island resort encounter a murderous breed of arachnid, which the owner finds a minor inconvenience. Takes some digs at the annoyances of online attention whores, but there’s not much actual horror taking place. The spider activity is incredibly sparse, cheap, and ineffective, while the drama can’t handle the bulk of the remaining length.
– (2005) – A woman awakens from a cornea transplant with the ability to see ghosts. Has the makings of a grand scale horror/adventure, but what could be quietly told in 30 minutes is shouted for 107. The weak story is only outmatched by some of the worst acting and dialog ever committed to a serious film.
– (2002) – A man seeks revenge against the savage who raped his girlfriend. A paper thin plot is made unique by reversing the structure, but the overlong rape scene is certain to steer many away. Peaks after a brutally chilling start, but always involves and moves quickly.
– (1987) – A guy who has a hard time meeting girls reads a document about brain powers and can suddenly control women and inanimate objects. The premise is weak, but some characters and situations and likeable. Gets worse as it goes, but holds interest.
They Don’t Cut the Grass Anymore
– (1985) – Two hillbillies mutilate men and women who lead better lives than them. Complete garbage from a cinematic standpoint, but has impressive backyard gore. Ambitious in its strive to nauseate, but the story is worthless.
Hungry
– (2026) – A group of people on a trip through a swamp encounter a massive hippo that shipwrecks them in the middle of nowhere. Harkens back to the nature amok films of the ’70s and ’80s in that the monster activity is saved until the end. Big mistake. Getting to any kind of creature mayhem feels like infinity since we’re stranded with some of the dullest characters ever complied for one film. Even when the beast does attack nothing memorable occurs.
C.H.U.D. II
– (1988) – A zombie is stolen from a morgue and freed upon a community to eat and infect as he pleases. Has nothing to do with the original, especially since it lacks any C.H.U.D.s. This is merely a run of the mill zombie flick with some okay humor and Halloween atmosphere, but is too purposely dumb to favor.
Zombie Nightmare
– (1986) – A guy who’s struck down by a car is resurrected to exact revenge on his assailants. Fails to generate much interest, mainly because the lead villain is killed only two-thirds in. The slow pace doesn’t help, but some of the stupidity is amusing.
Camp Blood: Clown Shark
– (2024) – The severed head of a killer clown conjoins with a fish in a lake and becomes a murderous shark. There’s sort of a story involving the girl who killed that clown and the town that’s grateful for his demise, but that’s the only progression provided. Almost has a great homage to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre III trailer, but the overall cheapness sours that aspect as well.
There’s Nothing Out There
– (1990) – Friends vacationing in a wooded house during Spring Break encounter a killer alien, much to the chagrin of a horror movie fan who’s seen all this before. A fast paced and highly ambitious outing that dusts most other low-low-low budget outings by featuring genuine humor and necessary horror elements, notably nudity & death. Pre-dates Scream’s gimmick of self-awareness by five years, and decades later still feels fresher. Rolfe Kanefsky was certainly on to something.