The Evilmaker
– (2000) – Four young women embark on a beach retreat, but end up in a haunted house after their vehicle breaks down. The problem isn’t so much the shoddy acting, the no-budget values, nor the lack of any tension, but how painfully dull this is. Gets better in the final act when a girl battling a spirit elicits movement, but even then the entire output is miles from great.
Shocktopus
– (2026) – An electrified octopus from outer space lands on Earth, prompting attention from locals and government agents. The title and premise might earn a chuckle, but the results certainly don’t. While there is some ridiculous monster activity here and there, most of the 70-minute length is spent on dull, meandering characters. Might look fun, but quickly becomes a torturous trial of patience.
When Evil Lurks
– (2023) – A man who’s infected with evil is taken to a further location where, as expected, his evil spreads. From decent outset to tiring conclusion, this is consistently fueled by an entirely implausible plot that could have been averted if a character at the mid-point was summoned to cure evil at the start. Almost every step the characters take is blatantly wrong, as they all break rules they know shouldn’t be broken. Some of the horror aesthetics are pleasing, but the whole scheme is a mishmash of annoyances and dopiness.
Soulm8te
– (2026) – An A.I. companion (i.e. sex robot) almost immediately starts to take control of her surroundings, and rather violently. The plot and characters are remarkably underdeveloped, but the only remedy would be to bloat the length, yet any time spent with these dullards would have made the film unbearable. As is, this is still a colossal bore with no one to root for or against. There’s also no suspense or feelings of danger. What we’re left with is basically M3GAN meets Species meets excrement.
Lookout Weekend: Cruel Summer IV
– (2025) – The cast and crew of previous Cruel Summer films find themselves the target of a killer, and boy do they like to argue about it. Attempts to take us behind the scenes of filmmaking, but never feels authentic since this “real” crap only represents fictional crap. The plot is somewhat more ambitious than the prior entries, but the cast continues to falter from their overabundance of cursing rather than emitting authentic human responses to obtainable situations.
Cruel Summer III: Pray for Fall
– (2024) – Survivors of the previous two duds cope with their horrid pasts as their troubles persist. An excruciating experience that worsens by the second thanks to piss poor writing and a cast that stumbles over most every line. It doesn’t help that most characters are overly aggressive and drop F-bombs as though they’re going extinct. This is the kind of bad that makes you mad at the device that’s allowing it to stream.
– (1989) – The world’s dullest hero returns to fight cartoonish characters while finding love along the way. This is fast paced and dumb enough to hold attention, yet it’s also pointless. Some sparse FX manage to stand out, but there aren’t enough visual tricks to salvage the doldrums.
– (2010) – A man returns to his childhood town only to become bitten by a werewolf. Has strong atmosphere and maintains involvement despite a dragging plot, but there’s more drama than werewolf activity, some shoddy CGI, and a rather silly finale. An expensive misfire.
– (1972) – A jealous rat subdues his pack leader then befriends a sick kid. Begins right where the original left off, which is fine, but completely falls apart when advancing on its own. An obnoxious children’s movie with too much singing.
The Hills Have Eyes Part 2 (1984)
– (1984) – Dirt biking friends become stranded in a desert where the hills still have eyes. A considerable chunk features scenes from the original, while the rest offers nothing new. Moves slow and covers little ground, but has a good shower scene and a cool throat slash.
Killer Crocodile 2
– (1990) – A crocodile hatched from a radioactive egg spells trouble for many jungle inhabitants. Has all the signs of a lame sequel, from flashbacks to duplicated footage, but manages to provide some grisly fun throughout. The music still rips off Jaws, and nothing rises above stupid, but diversions are provided among the doldrums.
What We Do in the Shadows
– (2014) – A film crew documents the lives of ancient vampires as they cope with the modern world. Brilliantly exploits every notion of the undead (and reality shows) in laugh-out-loud fashion. Focuses on a variety of observational jokes that destroy the pompous seriousness of the genres in question. One of a kind.
Zombie 4: After Death
– (1988) – Zombies are on the rise thanks to voodoo and a reading from the Book of the Dead. Doesn’t make any sense, and the same gory actions repeat themselves straight to the climax where zombies standing outside a house wait to get shot. A bore.
Hell House LLC III: Lake of Fire
– (2019) – A live-action play within a known haunted house goes as badly as many expect. Attempts to add a backstory to the previous entries, but 98% of this has been seen before. Never terrible, and wants to be spooky, but can only remind of the superior original. On the plus side, this has the most fake looking facial scar in movie history.
Purge
– (2010) – In an alternate future, people are genetically enhanced to not show emotion in their provided social status, but some oppose this action. Does an okay job attempting a dystopian look from a technological standpoint, but the budget is simply too small to make it fully work. The story is a pitiful blend of confusion and characters who lack any sort of emotional significance.